My heart poured out... I just wish someone would listen.

Something is really bothering me lately.
I was always a complete happy-go-lucky drama queen when I was younger, but now, I am really reserved and insecure compared to how I was when I was younger. That's mostly at school though. Up in Albany/Corvallis/Lebanon I am more comfortable and more secure because all my Camp Crestview friends who have seen my drama queen side at camp are up there.
At school I am so quiet and reserved out of insecurity they probably wouldn't even recognize me as the Kimberly they know and are annoyed by. ;-)
It's weird though, knowing I have the capacity inside me somewhere to be a confident, outgoing person, and still not be able to actually put that into action.
I struggle a lot inside with insecurity. I know I have the capacity to be a good leader, and I have good ideas, but I don't want to come off as bossy and overpowering, as I tend to come off that way because my suppressed leadership skill leaks, despite my efforts to control it. Especially in a situation like at school, where people don't know me very well, I feel like I don't have the right to even try and be heard.
It definitely doesn't help that almost none of the people have made any effort at all to get to know me, or be my friend. Even the ones who have have only made minimal effort, and only very recently.
I know they don't mean to, but people at my school are sort of clique-ish. They have all known each other for a long time, some of them since grade school, so they have a really tight-knit family type thing going on. Don't get me wrong, I love that they're all really close, I just wish they would let me into the circle. They are so close that there's no room for me to squeeze in, and they seem to be completely unaware of me standing there, wanting so badly to be included, to be "adopted" into their "family".
I'm pretty sure they all think I'm a socially awkward, controlling, annoying person. I mean, not because I want to join their group, but looking back, I sort of have been when I'm around them.
I have some bad habits, like biting my nails and touching my face, that frequently surface during school when I'm bored or distracted, and because of my insecurity, I start to try and involve myself, but because it is in comparison to my normal reservedness, I come off way too strong, and when I'm met with very little encouragement, I retreat and isolate myself again.
I feel like I put in an application to be part of their "group" and they gave me a conditional membership. Like they'll let me go to school with them, and they won't be mean to me, (well, most of them) but I don't get to be part of their exclusive group, with all the benefits like friends, people to talk to who care, full acceptance, inclusion in group things, and the right to actually have a say in things without people getting irritated at me.
Even people who they have only known vaguely last year from church, who actually joined the school this year have full and complete inclusion.
Every day at school I hear about things that have happened or things they are planning, and never once have I been asked if maybe I would like to come along. The only things I have ever done with any of them outside of school are church things. It's really frustrating and discouraging. I want so badly to be included, but I can't seem to find a way. They aren't reaching out to me, and when I try and reach out to them I come on too strong.
Maybe if I could break my bad habits, and work out my social quirks, I could be more confident, and they would be more accepting, but that just doesn't seem right somehow. I have always been taught that people should accept me for who I am, and right now my social quirks and bad habits are a part of who I am. I will continue to work on them, of course, but it should be solely for my own benefit, not to earn their acceptance and approval.
I wish someone, anyone, would actually make an effort to see past my exterior and see me for who I am. Someone who would be willing to do the work to break through my barriers and fronts and get to my heart, my core. Someone who will accept me, despite my countless flaws, and be there for me when I need them. Someone, who when they see me upset or depressed, and they know something's wrong, will come and be persistent, not taking no for an answer, who will talk to me until I tell them what's wrong. Someone who will care about me and i can care about in return.
If only such a person existed.
Even my two best friends, as amazing as they are, and despite how well they know me, are not this person. Due to the restraints of time, distance, and transportation, They have only seen parts of me. They are the closest thing I have though, as they have seen many more parts, and much deeper and more personal parts than anyone else, and believe me, I wouldn't trade them for the world. :-D
I know I have sort of gone sideways, from talking about when I was a kid, to my insecurity, to school, to an imaginary person I wish existed in my life, and now to talking about how much i love my two best friends, but I have a random wandering brain, deal with it. ;-P
Mostly I'm just feeling frustrated and depressed right now. I just want things to work out already. I'm tired of feeling rejected, unwanted, and not good enough. I've had too much of that in my life already. A girl who I had been friends with literally since we were born ended up betraying me several times when I was about 10 or 11. Even my family has made me feel that way. Mostly my brother Stephen, but even my Aunt Deana makes me feel like she is constantly trying to fix me and caging me in. I hate it!
These feelings coupled with the loss of my mom when I was 13 (might I point out that that is during puberty, my friends) has left me an emotional and social wreck. I went into a depression after my mom died, and when I finally came out of it, I had lost all sense of confidence, self-esteem, and really, any sense of who I actually was. I was changed, scarred. Out of this came many of my social quirks, and my crippling insecurities.
I know I'm broken. I'm scarred mentally and emotionally for life. I've been through harder things than many people my age, even more than many of my friends are aware I've been through. I've also been spoiled by my Dad, been given what I wanted, because he was trying to comfort me, and make things easier, but it did more harm than good, really. Even I can recognize that in retrospect. Despite the sour mix in my life that has turned me into the broken, confused, and messed up person that I am, I still have the same deep desire and need to be wanted and loved, just like everyone else.
My life is a mess, I'm a mess, but I still want to be loved.
And before you even think about it, yes, I am aware that God loves me and accepts me and all that. I am not writing about that. I am grateful every day for God's grace, mercy, and love in my life. He is the light of my life and the center of my universe.
What I am writing about pertains to human relationships. I am very much a people person, who needs physical touch and verbal communication. I need human contact in more than just a "Hi, bye." kind of way. I long to be talked to on a daily basis about more than just school, to be hugged or high-fived, or have some sort of physical contact with other people, to know that that care about me.
I just wish someone would listen and hear my heart behind these words.
I just want someone to reach out and tell me they are here for me, and then mean it.