I Will Never Regret..

I may hurt, I may cry, I may wonder why,
But I'll never regret you to the day that I die,
You helped me become who I am today,
I'm finding this out more and more every day,
So no matter what happens, No matter the pain,
I won't stand in the way if my loss is your gain,
I love you too much to make you stay here,
You are too precious, to infinitely dear,
So I won't be selfish, I'll let you go,
'Cause no matter the pain, This one thing I know,
You have so much more to give the world,
Than I can keep for me, just one single girl,
I'll cherish the memories, the time that we've had,
The crazy and happy, The tough and the sad,
You've been such a blessing, I wonder why,
That God would even give me this precious time,
I know in the future you will go so far,
Spreading God's light like the Bethlehem star,
I just want you to know that I'll never regret,
The love that we had or the time that we've spent.

Maybe I'll survive?

So I've been having a bipolar day today.
I was great this morning at church, then I came home and got all depressed when I was alone, and then I just had dinner and I feel better again because I got to talk with my aunt and uncle and cousin. Lots of funny stories and laughing.
I think I have some of what's going on figured out. When I'm left alone with my thoughts, because I hate being alone, I start thinking about the times when I wasn't alone and it makes me sad and depressed.
Unfortunately, knowing the problem doesn't really fix it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to trust God. I know he has a plan for me and my life, and I know it's better than anything I could ever imagine. I'm just gonna have to wait for it. God will show me who the right person is someday, I just need to be patient in the meantime, and focus on Him. After all, who better to be my valentine than the one who gave up everything for me?

Old Memories make life hard.

My heart is breaking,
My soul is aching,
But they can't see through the smile I'm faking,
And the tears that fall,
Make me feel so small,
I wonder if I'm worth it after all,
I long for the past,
What we had, unsurpassed,
But the good things we have don't always last...

My advice of the day: Unless God says otherwise to you, don't date in high school. Once you have been in a real relationship where you both truly care about each other, it's hard to stay single. It makes you miss having someone to care about, and have them care about you. It kinda sucks. =(

My Brilliant Theoretical Business Plan.

 So near the end of my last blog I talked about an idea I had about opening up a little cafe. I decided to do another blog to elaborate on my amazing theoretical plan. =)

I would call it "The Agape Cafe"
I wouldn't want it to be on a main drag. I would want it to be a cute small-town feeling place. I'm not sure where exactly it would be located, but probably in either Harrisburg or Junction City. =)
It would be a cute cozy homey feeling place. The kind of place that feels safe and comfortable, like you could curl up with a good book there forever. I would have it painted warm colors, with Bible verses painted artistically on the walls, and cute little knick-knacks on random shelves. In one corner there would be a fireplace and big comfy chairs, with a bookcase behind them filled with second-hand books for sale.
In another corner, there would be a small stage and a microphone, where every evening local artists could come and share poetry, songs, anything, and every Friday night there would be an "Open Mike" like Life Bible does once a year, when anyone could come and share, as long as they run their stuff by a trusted manager.
We would sell coffee, of course, as well as all the typical amazing goodies you find at that type of place. The not-so-typical part, would be that theoretically, my Aunt Deana, possibly the best goodie-making cook on the planet, would make them. =)
I would hire people from church to be employees and baristas, because of course I want to help support my work-needing church family! =)
That's about as far as I've gotten so far with my plan. Now all I need is a location, a partner, investors to get it started, and a business manager!  (That's not a big list at all is it? lol jk)
You know, this all started out as just an idea, and then a dream, but as each day goes by it's turning into a more solid actual plan. I think I could actually maybe make it work, though I still have quite a ways to go. I think I might take a business class over the summer at a community college. =)

My Thoughts On...

Work:
It gets me money. This is a good thing.
I work with nice people (mostly anyways) and a few friends. This is also a positive thing.
Work gives me real-life experience, and gives me a leg up on getting another job after this one should I need it. It also teaches me more responsibility. This is a very good thing
It is a high-stress environment. This is a bad thing.
The stress means I make mistakes, which makes people annoyed. This is also a negative thing.
Working means I now have little to no social life, and less time for homework or sleep. This is a very bad thing.
As of right now, I think that the good outweighs the bad, because I am adjusting to the high-stress atmosphere and making fewer mistakes. This may change, but for now, work is a good, however unpleasant, thing.

School:
School is mandatory. Not much I can do about it.
At the moment however, I like school, because school, church, and work, are my entire my social life.
At school I learn things like math that I will never use, (matrices etc.) and things like responsibility, which I will always use.
Despite some small amounts of difficulty earlier this quarter, I have good grades. My report card came out today. All A's except for 2 B's - Algebra 2 and Spanish. One more B than last semester, but not too shabby over all. The B in Spanish was only due to a couple late assignments anyway.

Home:
I'm always confused about which house to call my home. My Dad's house, where I've grown up since I was 3 months old, or my Aunt Deana's house, where I basically live almost full-time now?
Dad's house always used to be my home. I know the area inside and out. I grew up there. Everything's different now though. The house is remodeled, and I'm at Aunt Deana's so much I don't feel like I belong there anymore. It feels... impersonal. Like I'm only visiting almost.
Aunt Deana's house feels more like home to me now. This is where I always am. I do my homework here, I read, I sleep, I hang out, I write, all here. I know their extensive property pretty much completely, though I still explore it and make new discoveries every once in awhile. Another thing, people are always here. I'm not alone. Scott is usually in his bedroom doing homework, Uncle Rod gets home late, but he is always here in the morning to pray for me n Scott before we leave for school, and Aunt Deana makes dinner and goodies in the kitchen and corrects her papers in the living room. It's nice to not be home alone, even if I'm not actually talking with the other people in the house.
At Aunt Deana's, I also have Katie. She is pretty much my best friend. She lives right next door. We hang out practically every day. I love that girl.
Despite this, I wish I could be at home with my Dad more. I know he wants to spend more time with me. It's just really hard between school and work and trying to have a small pinch of social life in there somewhere. I love my Dad a lot, and wouldn't give him up for anything. I would be home more if I could....
I love my Dad's wife Cindy. She is one of the most loving people I know. She can be really insecure about herself or what to do, but she really cares. Also, I can kind of relate a lot to her. I can be really insecure at times too.

Other:
Life. Life is complicated.
Feelings are so fickle. The second I think I've made up my mind and I know how things are going to work out for something, everything changes. I keep feeling like I'm walking on a trail in the woods that goes in a circle.
... Hey, haven't I see that tree before?
I don't even know what I want anymore. Good luck for anyone else trying to figure it out.
My only constant is my solid rock. My Jesus.
I know I don't deserve him, but I know that he loves me anyway. I know that I want more of him. I know that I want to be closer to him. I know that I want to do what he wants me to do, follow the plans that he has for me. Of this one thing I am absolutely certain.
I guess right now I'm just not sure exactly where it is that he wants me to go.... So I wait.

I've been having this crazy idea though.... And it just keeps coming back.
I made a plan when I was 8. It was brilliant. When I grew up I was going to own and run a coffee shop. It would be a cute little cafe, a sit-down type place, with a small stage in one corner with a microphone for local poets, songwriters, performers etc., to share.
Back then it seemed like a far-off dream, but the idea just keeps coming back, even when I had forgotten about it for years.
I wonder if maybe this might be what God wants me to work toward. I don't know, but regardless, its a cool idea.....
Anyways, enough for now.