Old Memories make life hard.

Hey I found this from quite a while ago.... I thought I had posted it but it was just saved as a draft.... so it doesn't really apply at this point, since things have changed, but I wanted to post it anyways.


My heart is breaking,
My soul is aching,
But they can't see through the smile I'm faking,
And the tears that fall,
Make me feel so small,
I wonder if I'm worth it after all,
I long for the past,
What we had, unsurpassed,
But the good things we have don't always last,

His Glory

By grace alone,  
We have been set free, 
Through His love eyes are opened, 
So that we can see, 
His life covers ours,  
Making us new, 
Casting off lies,  
And freeing the truth, 
Humbled and broken,  
We bow at his feet, 
Proclaiming His goodness,  
Through every last street, 
Impatient we wait, 
For the day that will come, 
When He will come in His glory, 
Like the rising sun.

New poems... I was bored during school.

A Prayer

Calm my restless heart, O God,

Command it to be still,

For it keeps me ever wandering,

And it overcomes my will,

Keep your hand upon my shoulder, Lord,

To guide me through each day,

And let your words of truth and love,

Be the only ones I say,

Let my heart not wander far,

But keep it close to you,

My thoughts, as well, from straying,

But to dwell upon your truth,

In thought and deed and word,

Let my motives be in love,

And the wisdom of my actions,

Let come solely from above.

--------------------

Trapped

Trapped in body,

Bound in soul,

Restless heart,

And society cold,

Passionate Spirit,

Struggling still,

For lack of air,

Grows slowly ill,

Tired vessel,

Weak and slow,

Apathy-poisoned,

Stunts the growth,

Struggling to wake,

To live again,

The Spirit cries,

Under weight of sin,

The fight of flesh,

And Spirit waged,

Bound by chains,

Trapped and caged,

Waiting patient,

To be freed,

When flesh will break,

And Spirit lead.

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A Song of Praise

Instruments play, and singers sing!

Bang the drum and tambourine!

Praise Him all you people freed!

Redeemed from sins captivity!

Raise a shout unto the King!

Let praises from the mountains ring!

Make a joyful sound of praise!

Dance abandoned, hands upraised!

Let the earth just fade away!

Come unto His throne today!

Dance for joy, dance for love!

For our Savior God above!

Abandon self, abandon pride!

Look up in his glorious eyes!

Trumpets blow and drummers pound!

That every ear would hear the sound!

Sing for all your life is worth!

For time is fleeting, here on earth.

A Passionate Rant.

The word needs more Christian leaders who understand the heart of the law instead of the letter of the law.... Ones who truly love and seek after God, not making it just about rules and religious ceremony, but about living a life in love with our Savior. 
Obedience is born from love, not the other way around - you obey because you love, not love cause you obey. A lot of "christians" just don't get that!!!!! They live a lie, claiming the title without living out the heart. Life without passion, without understanding, without love, without God.... That's no life at all - only an empty shell of an existence, less than, even.  
Passivity and "tolerance" for sinful lifestyles is slowly killing off true Christianity. We ourselves have become like the Pharisees, who Jesus himself so vehemently called "sons of vipers". We have put the letter of the law and religious traditions over the meaning behind the very base of our faith! even worse, we pick and choose only the parts of the Bible we "like", conveniently leaving out anything that might "offend" anybody, or that makes us uncomfortable! Forget anything about accountability, or how homosexuality is wrong, or about being saved by grace!!! No!!! Lets all live life the way we want, but go to church and do something good every once in awhile to make ourselves feel justified in our sin! By all means!!! It doesn't need to be PERSONAL in any way. We can stay in our safe little comfort zones. We don't need to stretch ourselves, or grow at all. Never....  
How can you fight against something when everyone is living a lie they believe to be the truth you are speaking? I tell you the truth - it's easier to convert a self-proclaimed unbeliever, than it is to make someone who calls themselves a believer to wake up and realize the lie that they are living!!!! Sometimes I just want to scream and pull out my hair, because I see all the people around me, friends even, living a lie and believing it!!! They are just fooling themselves!!!! I can't even effectively explain the truth to someone unless they are willing to admit to themselves the lie... I hate how I can't seem to help anything!!!!  
It's like I'm watching my friends walk off a cliff, and I'm up to my waist in tar - I can yell at them all I want, but I can't stop them from walking off that cliff if they won't listen to me. I can tell them "You are about to walk off a cliff and die!!! Stop before you fall off!!!!" but if they want to believe that there is no cliff, what can I do? Nothing.  
Christians, believers everywhere, need to wake up and realize God is not just some distant, uncaring deity, but a close, personal, loving God. We are saved by grace and redeemed by faith. You can't work your way into heaven with good deeds, you certainly can't justify your sin, and just because you go to church doesn't mean you are going to heaven!!!!  
One day we will each stand before the throne of God. Let me ask you this. Will you recognize his voice as the voice of your loving savior? Will your name be in the Book of Life? Will you run into his open arms with confidence? Or will you be cowering with fear and guilt, as God looks at you sadly and says "I never knew you". Do you know God as your personal Lord and Savior? Will Jesus recognize you as one of his own when you stand before the throne of judgement?

Waiting... And a very confused jumble of ramblings....

I am generally a very spontaneous person.

I like to make plans spur-of-the-moment, like going to a movie with a friend, or deciding to drive up to see my friends in Albany, on a Friday afternoon.I have always had a tendency to speak before my brain finishes the thought, which while it makes for some funny conversations, it can also get me into huge trouble, and sticky situations.

Sometimes my spontaneity is a fun, good, healthy thing. It keeps life interesting, an adventure. Other times, it gets me into trouble, like making big decisions rashly, or putting off responsibilities, all in pursuit of my random ideas and emotions. 

God has been teaching me lately to wait, to think things through, to pray, before I act, especially when my emotions are involved.

Emotions are tricky things. They cloud the mind, dampen inhibitions, and create a sometimes insane desire towards some kind of action. Welcome to the life of a teenager, where emotions are overflowing in abundance, along with hormones, stress, and insecurities, all while trying to figure out who exactly you were made to be, and how to become that person.

Emotions make it hard to hear God clearly. We often hear what we want to hear, or what we think we should be hearing, rather than what God is actually saying. This makes it difficult, if not next to impossible, to be sure just where you are going or what you are doing.

As a teenager, there are so many things the world is selling you. They promise happiness, fulfilment, joy, freedom, and absence of worries and problems. In the end, these are all empty politicians promises. They tell you the words you want to hear, so you will do what they want, become who they form you to be, and end up empty, just like them. The world teaches us to "do what feels good" and do what we want. The weird thing is, even after it turns out bad, time after time, no one seems to learn from the consequences.

Changing direction a bit here now....

In the Bible it says that God will give us the desires of our heart. This is because if it is a true desire of our heart, that means God put it there, so of course he will give us what he has put upon our heart to desire. A common misconception has been brought to my attention, however. While it does say he will give us the desires of our heart, it does not say he will give it to us immediately, right when we want them. 

This has been the struggle for me lately.

I am an impatient person, who can often act on impulse. It is very hard for me to wait and be patient, especially if it is for something I want so very badly. I am also a curious person. If I have an unanswered question, I will be driven insane until I fin the answer if it is something that matters to me.

God has been challenging me to wait more, pray more, and to be patient. He has been challenging me to trust him with my past, present, and future, to just relax and let him take control, trusting that he will work things out whether I am aware of it or not.

I am beginning to realize that God doesn't need my help to orchestrate my life how he wants it to be. I just need to do my best to glorify him with my life, and trust that he will take care of me. If I am focused on him, everything else will fall into place without my help. I don't need to worry, because worrying doesn't accomplish anything anyway. I just need to give it to God and wait on him for the rest.

Easier said than done, right? 

Very true, but it gives me something to go off of, to work on, to focus on.

I don't need to know the future, or what God has planned for me, until it happens. After all, life would be boring if I always knew what was going to happen. Maybe that's why I'm so spontaneous. 

Truly though, it is the waiting that is hard. I have these desires, and the extreme desire to move forward, to act on them. I want so badly for high school to be done, to start a new chapter of my life with college, or LIT, or whatever it is God tells me to do. I want to move forward in so many ways, to have an impact on my world, to bring people to Christ, but God still says to wait.

I heard a quote once that said, "The essence of youth is the state of being over-anxious and under-wise."

This is very true about me. The only reason this does not completely apply to me, is that I am wiser than I should be for my age, only by the grace of God for putting amazing adults in my life who guide me to make wise choices, and God himself also guiding me through his Word.

Reading over this blog, it is a very unorganized jumble of thoughts....
I guess the point I am trying to make here is that trusting God is the best way to go, even when it's hard, and that's what I'm learning to do. =)

Savior

By grace alone,  
We have been set free, 
Through His love eyes are opened,  
So that we can see, 
His life covers ours,  
Making us new, 
Casting off lies,  
And freeing the truth, 
Humbled and broken,  
We bow at his feet, 
Proclaiming His goodness,  
Through every last street, 
Impatient we wait, 
For the day that will come, 
When He will come in His glory, 
Like the rising sun.

Thoughts on Love, Marriage, and Divorce.

Love.

-Love is not just a feeling, an emotion.
-It's not just that warm, fuzzy, butterfly feeling in your gut, or the smile they bring to your face.
-Love is choosing to put the other person first, their needs, wants, and desires above your own.
-it's choosing to show thoughtful actions towards another person whether they deserve it or not, and whether you "feel" like it or not
-Love is going out of your way just to show someone else you care about them.
-Love is telling the truth, even when it isn't pretty.
-Love is doing the right thing, even when it hurts.
-Love does not waver in the face of adversity, it perseveres through the storm.
-Time does not make love fade, but makes it grow stronger.
-Love is the opposite of being selfish or self absorbed - Love thinks of others first.

Marriage.

-Marriage is the beautiful, holy union between a man and wife.
-Marriage is pure, sanctified before God.
-Marriage is more than a party, a celebration, beyond the wedding.
-Marriage is the the end of two lives for the beginning of a new one.
-Marriage is forever. Permanent, "until death do we part".
-Marriage is founded on true love, and the love of our Savior.
-Marriage is not supposed to be misused, misunderstood, warped, or twisted in any way out of it's intended fashion - yet that is what the world has done.

Divorce.

-Divorce is ugly.
-Divorce is cruel.
-Divorce splits families and hearts in two.
-Divorce is painful.
-Divorce leaves a scar on both people, because it is taking the two become one flesh, and tears them in two again.
-Divorce denies love.
-Divorce is the tempter - the "easy way out"
-Divorce is cowardly.
-Divorce is just plain wrong.

God is the only giver of perfect love. When we are right with Him, and focused on Him, everything else falls into place.

Various tidbits

 Trusting in you, doesn't mean I won't cry,
It just means when I do, you'll be by my side,
Trusting in you, doesn't mean it's not hard,
But when I'm broken you pick up the shards,
And put me back together again,
Lord, you put me back together again.

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Paradoxes and contradictions,
Sanity of the insane,
Friendships that fade away with time,
And ones that end in pain,
Misunderstandings and misquotations,
Angry words that bite,
Stupid mistakes meant in love,
Held overhead in spite.

--------------------------------------

Waiting.
For an answer, a sign, a whisper.
Waiting.
For the end, the beginning, the chains to be loosed.
Waiting.
For a chance, a path, an open door.
Waiting.
For breath, for life, for a new day.
Waiting.
For love, for romance, for the day.
Waiting, waiting on God.