I've always been a hopeless romantic. For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed about falling in love, getting married, having kids, etc.
Sometimes though, I wonder if the dream is really worth holding on to. I mean, as I hold on to that dream I find my heart constantly searching, wondering about every guy I meet, "could he be the one?"
It is so bad sometimes that it becomes a distraction in my relationship with God, and that is the last thing I want.
My hear has such conflicting desires that it's driving me insane. I hate this restless feeling of searching. The wanting for something more. Especially when I know I should be finding fulfillment in my relationship with God. I long to love God with a passion far greater than anything I could ever feel. I long to be romanced by God and be so taken up in my relationship with him that at times the world would completely disappear. I long to love God with a love that is scandalous, so intense that I can cease to have even the slightest care about what the world thinks about my love affair. I want to love him so completely, and feel loved by him so completely, that all insecurity, self-consciousness, and social graces cease to matter.
So what is stopping me?
Life.
I feel bound by the chains of the mediocre everyday life.
There is school, and chores, and responsibilities, and natural desires that cloud my mind.
I want so badly to break free and live a life loving God despite these things, but somehow I can only manage a small fraction of what my heart desires.
Okay so I rabbit trailed there a bit... but now back to the original subject.
I want so badly to feel loved by another person. I long to have a life partner that I can be completely and utterly vulnerable with, share my deepest thoughts and desires with, and to know theirs as well. I long to have someone to share heart, body and soul with. Someone I can rely on as a spiritual partner in my relationship with God, to help me and keep me accountable.
I realize that this is not an unhealthy desire, but the desire is very distracting.
I feel like I was made to be a wife and a mother. I honestly do. But my heart is restless because of that knowledge... And its frustrating.
I know I should be content in my relationship with God, and I want to be, but I can't stop my heart from searching. I am trying to trust god on his timing, but it feels so hard.
I guess God is just teaching me a lesson on patience.
He knows better than I do what it is that I need, so I guess I'll just keep trying my best to trust Him....
Hey, buddy. As I read this, I was reminded of my feelings of constantly searching for my future, especially during my junior year of high school. I too felt the deep desire and call to become a wife and mom. It's a good calling, and I'm glad you can look forward to it since you've seen so many happy, healthy relationships. It is a tough wait, but I suppose that you're right that learning patience isn't a bad thing!
ReplyDeleteDo you think that God finds everyday life "mediocre"? Perhaps it is in living day-to-day that we develop our most stable, sincere relationship with God. As an example, a married couple wouldn't constantly want to be on their honeymoon. It is when you get home and love each other daily without the rush of emotion that you build a stable, deep, rich relationship. God is with you as you work with your hands while doing your chores. He is with you as you use your brain for school. He is with you as you desire everything He created you to desire. God is in our breathing, sleeping, hugging, laughing and in every little action throughout the day. I think that God loves doing big things and helping us feel big emotions about Him, but perhaps even more He loves being with us for the simple stuff of life. :)