Dear Nathan.

Dear Nathan,
Though I cannot be sure, I have suspicions you still read my blog.
I still think of you every once in a great while. You might be happy to know that it is simply because of fond memories from camp, and my heart does not hurt when I think of you as much as it once did.
You also might be happy to know that I've moved on. I will never be able to forget you, of course, and everything that we had, but God has shown me that I will be able to have a relationship again with a godly man and be able to feel a deep connection like we once had. I'm healing, I'm learning, I'm growing in my faith every day.
As for you, I still pray for you every so often. I hope that your struggles have gotten easier and you have found relief. I hope you have found someone else who makes you even happier than I like to imagine I may have once made you. I also pray that you have continued to grow in your faith as well. I pray that your relationship with God has grown stronger than even you could have imagined. I pray you have found healing in our Savior's arms and have found peace to stop over-analyzing your problems. I also pray that your family is well and healthy. I must confess I do miss your mother. She is such a wonderful lady.
In the end, I will never forget you, Nathan. I don't believe I will ever stop loving you.
But I have moved on with my life through God's help. Through His grace I have found a new life every day, each time stronger in my faith than before. This is also my prayer for you.
I wish you joy and happiness, Nathan. May our God and Savior bless you all your days.

Your Sister in Christ,

Kimberly Nicole Smith

Hypocrisy, Motives, and "Good Enough"

I'm not ashamed of the Gospel.

I am not ashamed to say that I believe that God is the one and only God, and Jesus Christ is Lord.

I am not ashamed of the Holy Bible, or a single word that is in it.

What I am ashamed of, however, is the better half of the church and all the Christians in the world, especially America,  who have either diluted the truth, or misconstrued it and taken it to the extreme.

Hypocrisy has so often been the label for all Christians...

Immediately, I must put myself in that category as well however, in the interest of being completely fair and honest with myself and others. I have been a hypocrite. Actually, to call me a hypocrite is putting it mildly when I think of how I have been. I have been among the worst of them all. 

In fact, many, even the majority of all Christians need to be reminded of some things.

We are not better than anyone else. 

We are still human - We make mistakes, we have emotions that are overwhelming sometimes, we deal with day to day life just like everyone else.

We are as low as the lowest, most vile character on this earth - every sin is equal in the eyes of God, from 'little white lies' to murder.

The difference is that we have chosen to accept Jesus Christ as our Savior and the Lord of our lives.

We are saved by God's grace, and grace alone.

Not by our works, but by our faith in his sacrifice.

We are imperfect, but washed in the blood of a perfect Savior.

Our motives should not be that of greed, or pride, or anything for our own gain. Our motives should be out of love, for others and for our God.

We should strive to follow Christ's example.

But this doesn't mean we are perfect.

We aren't.

Only God, who IS perfect, has the right to judge people

But there is a catch there - We are not to judge people outside of the church.

In the church, we are supposed to lift each other up, and correct each other - BUT only out of love. 

Our intentions have to be good. Our motives have to be right.

We should not correct for our own self-satisfaction, but with the benefit of our brother or sister in Christ in mind.

Our lives need to be a testimony of the grace of Jesus Christ.

To quote the words of St. Francis, "Preach the Gospel constantly. If necessary, use words."

The way we LIVE will make an impression far more than what we say.

You can preach all you want, but if you live in a way that is contrary to your words, your words mean nothing.

Personally, I want to see what else God has for me. I want more than most Christians have been settling for. I don't want to be content with being lukewarm, I don't want "good enough". I want the best God has for me. I know this is a dangerous thing to want. I know it means I will have to risk everything. I know that by all human logic, this is a stupid thing.

But I don't care. Bring it on.

So God, what do you have for me?

Without You

A song I wrote a few weeks ago..


"Without You"

Verse 1
I can't stand this a minute longer,
Did you see the pain in my eyes,
As you were closing the door?
They say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger,
But right now I'm so weak,
I'm crying on the floor,
I step out into the night,
Crying "Oh God, will you show me the light?"
"Cause I just don't know how this could be good for me..

Chorus
But here in my heart you'll stay,
And in God's arms you're safe,
And even though I don't know,
I'm gonna let you go,
I may not know God's plans,
And I may never understand,
But I will heal from these wounds,
And one day I'll be happy again,
Without you.

Verse 2
My mind is so scattered with memories,
The good and the bad,
We'd been through it all,
It was never easy, but it was worth it,
So who would have thought this was how it would fall?
I'm sitting and feeling so lost,
'Cause all I thought was forever, I didn't count the cost,
But now I'm starting to pick up the pieces so I can move on..

Chorus

But here in my heart you'll stay,

And in God's arms you're safe,

And even though I don't know, 

I'm gonna let you go,

I may not know God's plans,

And I may never understand,

But I will heal from these wounds,

And one day I'll be happy again,

Without you.

Bridge

And I'm realizing now I can breathe again,

You're not the one that I need anymore,

My God and my Savior has healed me,

And He is the one I long for,

Chorus

But here in my heart you'll stay,

And in God's arms you're safe,

And even though I don't know, 

I'm gonna let you go,

I may not know God's plans,

And I may never understand,

But I will heal from these wounds,

And one day I'll be happy again,

Without you.

x2

More Than Meets the Eye

There is more to me than meets the eye, 
Just because I'm strong doesn't mean I don't cry.
And if I hold it together when it's falling apart,
It doesn't mean that inside it's not breaking my heart,
You made the decision and I just stood by,
As silent tears fell from my eyes,
I may be letting go of you,
But that doesn't mean that I wanted to.
Because I didn't - I never stopped loving you.

What's Best for You

Maybe one day you will look back and realize that every time you changed your mind again, it broke my heart, but I was still willing to try.
Maybe one day you'll look back and realize I meant what I said when I said "I love you", and I never stopped meaning it.
Maybe one day you will realize that you'll never find anyone just like me again.
Maybe one day you'll regret ever letting me go...
But I hope you don't.
I hope you find true love again.
I hope you find someone that understands you better than I ever did.
I hope you find love and peace and joy and happiness.
I hope you grow in your relationship with God past what you have ever dreamed.
I hope you forget about me so memories of what we had will never cause you pain.
I hope you forget about me so that your life will be less complicated and you won't be so stressed.
I hope you find someone else to replace me. Someone better. Someone good enough.

I hope that if I ever cross your mind again it will be only as brief nostalgic memories that no longer seem quite real.

As for me, I will never be able to erase every vivid detail from my mind. 

I won't ever be able to forget the way you made me smile, or the way that when I talked to you all my problems seemed to get smaller and disappear.

The way that with a single glance you could turn my knees to jelly and my heart to butterflies.

The way you could cheer me up so easily....

The way you would make puns to make me laugh, even if they made no sense or were really cheesy.

The way it felt to fall asleep in your arms... So safe and protected..

Still....

I still care.
I still love you.
I still wish you were mine.
I wish you were willing to fight for me.
I wish I was worth it to you.
A million little things still remind me about you, and the memories are bittersweet.
You made me a better person.
You helped me become who I am today.
I can't imagine finding anything as deep as what we had in another relationship.
I will never be able to forget you, though as I promised you I will try to move on.
But I hope you forget about me.
I hope I no longer will cause you pain.
I hope you lead a blessed life, living it to the full potential God has for you.

This was what gave me the strength to break my own heart, and say goodbye.
Because it's what's best for you.
Goodbye.

My Daily Prayer

Lord, let this be my daily prayer, 

To be bold and strong enough to dare, 

To challenge life in the everyday, 

To seek Your face in a brand new way, 

To live my life to honor You, 

In everything I say and do, 

To bring glory only to Your name, 

And show the world I'm not the same, 

That my heart is different, my heart is true, 

That my heart belongs to only You. ♥

Easier

It would be easier,
If you were just a memory,
Not standing in front of me,
Telling me, I need to let you go,

It would be easier,
If I could forget the way you made me smile,
If the memories would fade with every mile,
I could let it fade, let it fade away,

But how can I stand here and look you in the eye,
Breaking my own heart because I have to say goodbye,
Knowing that what we once were, can never be once more,
Standing here in silence as I watch you close the door,

Silence overtakes my soul,
As my heart forms a shield so cold,
I stand and let you walk away,
I close my eyes as my world fades to grey,

It would be easier,
If you were just someone I once knew,
Not a hope my heart tries to hold on to,
Maybe then, I could let you go,

It would be easier,
To live as if you never changed a thing,
To pretend that you were only just a dream,
But I can't, cause its not true,

But how can I stand here and look you in the eye,
Breaking my own heart because I have to say goodbye,
Knowing that what we once were, can never be once more,
Standing here in silence as I watch you close the door,

Silence overtakes my soul,
As my heart forms a shield so cold,
I stand and let you walk away,
I close my eyes as my world fades to grey,

It would be easier,
But I guess I'm doing this a different way,
All that I can do now is just to pray,
That He will help me let you go,

It would be easier,
But if this is what is best for you,
That's the truth I'll hold on to,
So tonight, I'll let you go.