Stuck.

Lately I have been feeling stuck.. Stuck, and overwhelmed.
I have so many friends who are going through tough situations right now, and I want so badly to help them all, but I can't. There are too many, and not enough of me.. It seems like even when I have an opportunity, and I try to help, it doesn't even make much of a difference.... Like pushing up against a brick wall... Sure, you're doing something, but it doesn't mean the wall is going to budge an inch.
I don't know what to do.. I try to pray every night for all of them, but there are so many, that either I pray a "blanket prayer" and feel like I cheated, or I fall asleep before I can pray for each one individually.
I try so hard to do everything I feel like I should be doing, and I pray for God to give me the strength to do them, but somehow... It's like there is never enough time... And I get so overwhelmed it makes me want to just ignore it all... And et I can't, because my heart breaks for each person and their struggles..
I am just so utterly exhausted. I don't know how Paul or any of the other apostles did it! I try so hard to give my burdens over to God, but they keep dragging at my shoulders, again and again. Often they aren't even my burdens, but the burdens I carry in my heart for each of my friends and all they are going through.
I feel like I am failing... I can't handle this on my own, so I try to ask God to help me through... Yet often I still feel like I'm about to collapse under this great weight on my shoulders...
What am I doing wrong?
I feel like I am not good enough.. Not strong enough... Not beautiful or talented enough.. And I know they are lies from the pit of Hell, but yet I cannot help but feel like there is some truth to them..
Everywhere I turn it seems like I am inadequate.
I'm not talented enough to pursue music beyond a local scope.. I'm not even good enough on guitar to lead kids worship by myself.. I know I could be... but I feel like I'm stuck when it comes to that... like I have plateaued in my musical skill, and I am as good as I will be able to get unless I devote my life to it, which I have neither te time nor the desire to do so completely.
I'm not strong enough to bear this weight with a joyful attitude like I should... I too often get easily discouraged by the smallest things.. All these little things pile up so quickly and hold me back from all that i could accomplish.
I'm not beautiful enough to catch the eye of any guy I would actually be interested in.. (though apparently every other guy seems to notice when I would rather they didn't.... That makes things complicated) I know that this shouldn't be an issue, because the man God has planned for me will obviously notice me.. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't lower my self-esteem when a guy who I might be interested in doesn't give me a second thought in that way.
I'm not disciplined enough to do everything I am expected to do, by my family, by my teachers at school.. Even by myself. I know there are so many things I should be capable of doing, but I lack the organization or motivation to do them.
All these "not good enough's" weigh down on me, make me feel heavy and depressed.. I try so hard to give them up to God, or to ignore them, but still they plague me, nipping at my heels like hungry wild dogs... They wait for me to break down, so they can overwhelm me even more...
I don't know where to go from here, except to continue to pray... And hope that things will change for the better, soon.

Poetry. (again)

The majesty of Your wonders,
Flows down like a ruler's train,
Filling the world with Your splendor,
And the glory of Your reign,

Only a taste of the celestial,
And my heart longs for much more,
For the day that victory will fill Your house,
And we will be with you forevermore,

Oh how I long to be with You,
To sit at Your feet in peace,
Bathed in the light of Your mercy,
Pain to forever cease,

Oh for the hands on the clock to spin fast,
Hurry each day to the end,
When suffering and sorrow will be no more,
And every wound shall mend,

Lord please do not condemn me,
For wishing my time away,
For 'tis only in sweet longing,
For that final, glorious day.

----

My heart lets out a heavy sigh,
No longer surprised by pain,
It adds another brick to its wall,
Tired of playing games,

Cynicism slowly overtakes,
Another corner of my heart,
Saying love is only in fairy tales,
To give up, and be smart,

I am an eternal optimist,
Drowned in pessimistic thought,
Empty-handed at every turn,
For a sign of whom I sought,

Oh, for another soul to love,
A warm, strong hand to hold,
To love and be loved by another,
Would be far more precious than gold,

To find the other half to my heart,
The rhythm to my rhyme,
I've waited and I'm waiting,
Such a long and painful time,

Lord, I know you have a plan,
But I'm plagued by doubt and fear,
Apathy is poisoning me,
Numb without a tear,

My heart retracts in distrust,
Not wanting yet to feel,
I do not want my heart to be hard,
But how, without hurting, can I be real?

50 Things I Want to Do Before I Die

This is my list of 50 things I want to do before I die. Some things are big things, other things are small ones. Some are goals, some are dreams. Some are temporay, some are more long-term. 

Regardless, this is a list, in no particular order, of 50 things I want to do before I die.

This is my bucket list.

1. Tour Europe

2. Get married

3. Raise kids

4. Get my degree

5. Meet Gianna Jessen

6. Get kissed in the pouring rain (after I'm engaged, by my fiance)

7. Go to Israel, and walk the paths Jesus walked

8. Perform some of my own material in front of a large crowd

9. Read 100 classic novels

10. Help someone I really dislike with a true heart behind it

11. Attend a real ball, with gowns and dancing and everythig

12. Go on a trip to the Grand Canyon

13. See Niagara Falls in person

14. Do a short-term missions trip in Africa

15. See a triple rainbow

16. Lie in the sand on a WARM beach

17. Ride horses on the beach

18. Go camping for real, out in the woods.

19. See something truly magical

20. Go to a wine tasting on my 21st birthday… just for the experience

21. Go to the South and taste real southern cooking

22. Be part of a disaster relief effort in a foreign country

23. Lay under the stars all night during a meteor shower

24. Ride on a motorcycle

25. Hike a real mountain

26. Meet the band members from Skillet

27. Meet/talk with Britt Nicole

28. Write something that impacts people in a deep way

29. Write and finish an entire book

30. Invent something useful

31. Save someone’s life

32. Witness a true miracle

33. See a live wolf close-up

34. Make a stranger smile

35. Dance in the middle of the street, at night, under a streetlamp, in the pouring rain

36. Swim with the dolphins

37. Be in a major film in some form, even as an extra

38. Ride an elephant

39. Go on a road trip across America

40. Go on every single rollercoaster at a six flags

41. Go scuba diving off of a major reef

42. Climb to the top of the statue of liberty

43. See the pyramids in person

44. (when I am married) To be able to make my husbands jaw drop - literally

45. Build a giant, elaborate sandcastle

46. Build the perfect tree house

47. Do something completely reckless and not care.

48. Go on a rafting trip down a river

49. Memorize an entire book of the Bible

50. Fly in a helicopter.

A Pile of Poetry.

So... It has been quite a while since I have posted last... So a bunch of poetry had accumulated in my notebooks. There were so many that I kind of just dumped them all on here, not even bothering to sort them by category etc... Thus my title, "A Pile of Poetry". I hope you enjoy my rather random collection. =]

Every time I fall down,
You pick me up again,
No matter what I say or do,
You're here through thick and thin,

How many times have I broken Your heart?
Been distracted, walked away?
But on my knees, You're reminding me,
That Your love is here to stay.

---

I feel like a phony, an actor, a fake,
I try so hard to be real, but it's a feeling I can't shake,

I know all the right words to say,
How to act and what to do,
But my life is just a worthless facade,
If my heart isn't true,

I need You to show me who I am,
I'm confused and I'm lost, and I just don't understand,
But no matter what happens I will trust in You,
'Cause Lord, You are the only source of truth.

---

I just can't get you out of my mind,
I don't know what to do,
Try and try again as I might,
I can't stop thinking about you,

Your eyes, your voice, your smile, your laugh,
They captivate my heart,
I look away and blush,
Because I'm feeing something start,

You're everything I've ever dreamt of,
Handsome, smart, and kind,
I can't help but wonder, wish and dream,
That someday you might be mine,

I don't want to rush; just take it slow,
Maybe things aren't what they seem,
But in my heart I can't help hoping,
That it's more than a wishful dream.

---

There will come a day when I will meet,
The angel death; parting so sweet,
Cast off my flesh, to sleep eternal,
My spirit rise, renewed and vernal,

And on that day my eyes will see,
My Savior clothed in power and glory,
Be swept up in His loving embrace,
And through tears of joy, I will know His face.

---

I surrender at the cross,
Where I lay my burdens down,
I give You all I am Lord,
I'm laying own my crown,

Everything I have is Yours,
Alone to give and take,
I surrender all m own desires,
As You did for my sake,

Guide my mouth to speak Your words,
To do Your work, my hands,
I want to follow You alone,
I surrender to Your plans.

---

Let Your wind blow,
Wind of Your power,
Blow away all impurity,
Let Your wind blow,
Wind that bring hope,
Let faith rise inside of me,

Lord you are faithful,
Your word never fails,
And I will trust in You,
I'm caught in Your mercy,
And saved by Your grace,
There are none who compare to You,

---

I want to rest in You,
Lord, draw me close, draw me in,
I need to feel Your love,
Hold me in Your arms again,

I want to lay my head against Your chest,
Hear Your heart, feel You breathe,
Just to be closer to you, Lord,
Is all that I need,

Let Your peace like a river,
Wash away my pain and fear,
Lord draw me to Your heart,
I want to feel You near,

Guide me by Your hand,
And never let me go,
Help me keep my eyes on You,
So that I can know,

Ever time I fall away from You,
My world falls apart,
I know that life is better,
When I am where You are.

---

When will my foolish heart learn,
That to risk is to hurt and break,
Yet still it cries and yearns,
Lord, what do I do with this ache?

'Cause I don't want to hurt again,
But I can't control my heart,
No matter what I say it won't listen,
It's like it wants to fall apart,

How much more will it take,
How many times must my heart break,
Before I learn to look before I leap,
Lord I'm trying to wait on Your time,
But it's hard not to look for an end to this rhyme,
Lord, i feel so out of control, I need Your peace,

I can't seem to stay in one place,

Been running a million miles around,

Lord draw my eyes back to your face,

Slow me down, please slow me down,

I know that all I need is You,
So why won't my heart be still?
Lord show me the way that is right and true,
Keep me in the center of Your will.

---

I'll sit in the middle of the night,
Bathed in daylight,
I'll stand out in the pouring rain,
To feel the sweetness of this pain,
'Cause all I really want to do is feel your fingertips on my cheek,
As I lose myself in the warmth of your eyes,

When all the shadows of the day,
Invade your thoughts at night,
And neon pictures overwhelm you,
With their light that shines too bright,
Just remember all the things that have been said,
And lose yourself in the color of the sky.

---

Poem of a Future Psychology Major

I wonder when you look at me,
What is it that you really see?
The words I say, the things I do,
Do you see me the way I see you?