The "Good Christian Woman"

All Christian women live in the shadow of the infamous "Proverbs 31 Woman". She does everything right,  works late into the night and rises early each day, all her children love and obey her, all her words are wise, she always has a home cooked meal on the table, she is soft-spoken and submissive to her husband and authority, and she never has a hair out of place. All I can say is... How exhausting! Quite frankly, I don't think there is one woman alive who could live up to the standards she sets. Or at least, if they did they could hardly be happy.

One thing I have learned lately, is that no matter how hard I try, I cannot fit the mold of the stereotypical "Good Christian Woman". I don't always have my hair in place or my homework done. I'm often late or forgetful about important things. I don't read my Bible every single day and I sometimes forget to pray before I eat. I am not quiet or reserved. I can't hold back how I feel or hide it at all, nor can I seem to easily quench the flood of words that always beg to flow from my lips. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am too loud and I get excited easily. I love to talk and be in the middle of the action. I am always busy and doing something. I love to be around people and I am a very "huggy" person. "Reserved" is one of the last words anyone would use to describe me.

For the longest time this bothered me. I have tried to make myself be the traits I thought would make me that "Good Christian Woman". I wanted to be able to fit that mold. But I don't. No matter how much I would try, after a certain amount of time, I would break. I couldn't go against the grain of how God made me.

What God has been teaching me lately, is that I don't have to fit that mold to be a godly young woman. I can be me, the me He made me to be, and still search after His heart. I can be too loud, forgetful, and too open with my emotions, and He will still love me. I can even be seen as a godly young woman by others while still being me and not fitting the stereotype. I can exhibit the godly characteristics of a "Good Christian Woman" through my own personality in my own way. My way will not look the same as another woman's, but that doesn't make it wrong, just different, because God made me different.

Sometimes this is still difficult for me to fully accept. My brain will often wander to the land of, "but what do young men think of how I am? What are they looking for in a wife?" But it is then that God always reminds me that the man he has chosen for me will love me for who I am, not what I may try to be. Yet it is difficult to keep from subconsciously conforming to what I may believe young men might look for in a young woman, simply out of my deep-rooted desire to be loved and desired. It is a battle I constantly have with myself.

Slowly I am learning how to accept who God made me to be, and to sort out what is me, and what is the influence of society and expectations. It is certainly an interesting but painstaking process. I will continue to learn, however, and be better off for it in the end. 

Another Aspect of Love

I recently read a quote by C.S. Lewis that said "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."

I know I have posted about love multiple times before, but to me, love is a subject that has no limit of different aspects that can be touched on and talked about, so I choose to yet again write about it. =]

What C.S. Lewis said is true in the purest sense. True love, real love, is not based on feelings or emotions, but the desire for the ultimate good of the other person. Love is a choice to put another's needs or wants before our own; to put their well-being in priority over our own well-being or comfort. 

Man people understand this concept to an extent. They say things like "I would take a bullet for this person" and other similar things. What they say may or may not be true, and it is not that I want to discount that sentiment, because it is a noble one. Jesus himself said "There is no greater love than this; that a man would lay his life down his friend." The point I want to make, however, is though we may feel like we would lay down our lives for someone, would we lay down our personal desires in respect for theirs? Would we be willing to compromise on mundane, daily little things of little importance, if it is ultimately for the good of the other person? So many fights and squabbles are about the silliest and most trivial of things, so are we willing to compromise on such things in order to keep the peace and for the good of the relationship?

Another aspect of this concept, focuses on the ultimate good of the other person. I have personally had to make many hard decisions for the ultimate good of people I love. I have had to cut off friendships and relationships, and tell some very difficult truths. All of these things proved incredibly painful, for both me and others involved, but the pain was only temporary, and the person was always better off in the long run. God has had to challenge me to trust him with the long run, especially when it doesn't seem like it will be a good thing in the end, and without fail, every time it has been for the better when it was something God told me to do.

If we truly love someone and care about them deeply, often God will ask you to give that person up to Him ; to trust Him with their well-being and future, and release any claim you have on them. This can be a painful thing, whether it is a friendship, a relationship, or even simply the hope of a future relationship. The challenge is to trust God that He knows best, and He has a plan "to prosper you, and not to harm you". And in the end, if we truly trust god, and love that person, we will do it. It may not be pleasant, painful even, and it may deny our every personal desire, but if you truly care for someone, you will do what is best for them, regardless of what might be best for you.

Looking back over this blog, I realize that I have repeated myself a lot, but I choose to leave it as it is, because I believe this is such an important concept that is overlooked or discounted in our society today. I hope that maybe this will provoke thoughts from everyone who reads it, and those thoughts will turn into loving actions. =]

Heart On My Sleeve

When will my stupid heart learn? When will I realize that life doesn't miraculously work out like a movie, and that reality is that every time I let myself pretend that it might be, all that happens is that I get hurt?
I keep bruising my heart over and over, tearing it out and grinding into the dust in the name of hope and optimism. Out of desire to love and be loved.
I have always worn my heart too much on my sleeve. I have never been one to hold back what I feel or think, or suppress my emotions out of caution. I find myself doing these things more than ever, but not enough. I let myself dream, I let myself believe for the best, but lately all that has brought me is pain and disappointment in waves.
I don't want to become a hard person. I don't want to become guarded and mistrustful, or callous to my own emotions. I don't want to have a hard heart or put up walls. But I also don't want to hurt anymore. I am sick of trusting too easily and having that trust broken. I am tired of opening up my heart and daring to hope only to have those hopes crushed and my heart bruised once again.
I go to God again and again with these thoughts and feelings, yet still I have no answer as to how I am supposed to protect myself, without becoming the very thing that is so opposite of who I am. It is not part of my personality to be closed and overly reserved. It is not within my nature to be mistrustful and hard-hearted. Yet these are the natural human defense mechanisms.
My heart is aching. All I desire is to love and be loved. I desire to be close to someone and share the deepest parts of my heart. I long to be open without fear of rejection. I just want to love...
Of course I know I have God. I know He loves me and I love Him. I fear no rejection, and can be open in the deepest parts of my heart. This is wonderful and nothing could replace my relationship with God because it is everything to me.
Yet still... something in me still longs to have another human being with whom to share this with. One whom shares my faith and my love for God... Someone to be my best friend for the rest of my life, whom I can share the joys and sorrows of life with. So deeply does my heart long that it has become a constant dull ache in the background of my heart.
Today all I simply pray is that God will give me wisdom in this struggle, and guide me in His plan for my life.