When will my stupid heart learn? When will I realize that life doesn't miraculously work out like a movie, and that reality is that every time I let myself pretend that it might be, all that happens is that I get hurt?
I keep bruising my heart over and over, tearing it out and grinding into the dust in the name of hope and optimism. Out of desire to love and be loved.
I have always worn my heart too much on my sleeve. I have never been one to hold back what I feel or think, or suppress my emotions out of caution. I find myself doing these things more than ever, but not enough. I let myself dream, I let myself believe for the best, but lately all that has brought me is pain and disappointment in waves.
I don't want to become a hard person. I don't want to become guarded and mistrustful, or callous to my own emotions. I don't want to have a hard heart or put up walls. But I also don't want to hurt anymore. I am sick of trusting too easily and having that trust broken. I am tired of opening up my heart and daring to hope only to have those hopes crushed and my heart bruised once again.
I go to God again and again with these thoughts and feelings, yet still I have no answer as to how I am supposed to protect myself, without becoming the very thing that is so opposite of who I am. It is not part of my personality to be closed and overly reserved. It is not within my nature to be mistrustful and hard-hearted. Yet these are the natural human defense mechanisms.
My heart is aching. All I desire is to love and be loved. I desire to be close to someone and share the deepest parts of my heart. I long to be open without fear of rejection. I just want to love...
Of course I know I have God. I know He loves me and I love Him. I fear no rejection, and can be open in the deepest parts of my heart. This is wonderful and nothing could replace my relationship with God because it is everything to me.
Yet still... something in me still longs to have another human being with whom to share this with. One whom shares my faith and my love for God... Someone to be my best friend for the rest of my life, whom I can share the joys and sorrows of life with. So deeply does my heart long that it has become a constant dull ache in the background of my heart.
Today all I simply pray is that God will give me wisdom in this struggle, and guide me in His plan for my life.
I keep bruising my heart over and over, tearing it out and grinding into the dust in the name of hope and optimism. Out of desire to love and be loved.
I have always worn my heart too much on my sleeve. I have never been one to hold back what I feel or think, or suppress my emotions out of caution. I find myself doing these things more than ever, but not enough. I let myself dream, I let myself believe for the best, but lately all that has brought me is pain and disappointment in waves.I don't want to become a hard person. I don't want to become guarded and mistrustful, or callous to my own emotions. I don't want to have a hard heart or put up walls. But I also don't want to hurt anymore. I am sick of trusting too easily and having that trust broken. I am tired of opening up my heart and daring to hope only to have those hopes crushed and my heart bruised once again.
I go to God again and again with these thoughts and feelings, yet still I have no answer as to how I am supposed to protect myself, without becoming the very thing that is so opposite of who I am. It is not part of my personality to be closed and overly reserved. It is not within my nature to be mistrustful and hard-hearted. Yet these are the natural human defense mechanisms.
My heart is aching. All I desire is to love and be loved. I desire to be close to someone and share the deepest parts of my heart. I long to be open without fear of rejection. I just want to love...
Of course I know I have God. I know He loves me and I love Him. I fear no rejection, and can be open in the deepest parts of my heart. This is wonderful and nothing could replace my relationship with God because it is everything to me.
Yet still... something in me still longs to have another human being with whom to share this with. One whom shares my faith and my love for God... Someone to be my best friend for the rest of my life, whom I can share the joys and sorrows of life with. So deeply does my heart long that it has become a constant dull ache in the background of my heart.
Today all I simply pray is that God will give me wisdom in this struggle, and guide me in His plan for my life.
Hugs and prayers for you, Kimberly!
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