AAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!! (MOST FRUSTRATING DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!)

Soooo.... I had THE MOST FRUSTRATING DAY IN MY LIFE THAT I CAN REMEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!
We were practicing our drama at school today, and since everyone except me has a fairly simple and easy part (compared to mine) they weren't taking it seriously. Whenever they weren't doing anything , they were talking and joking and laughing, which made it hard for me to play my part, because until the very end part I am constantly moving and acting.
It was really distracting to have them doing that while I was trying to act and do my part, and it broke my concentration repeatedly.
On top of that, they didn't know it as well as they should have so they kept messing up, and because they were playing around they would miss their cues.
Afterward, to make things worse, they started criticizing me on my performance. The only reason I really messed up was because they missed their cues, and threw the timing off! So maybe I "didn't move as smoothly or gracefully as I should have", but it was only because I was trying to fix the timing! The only constructive criticism I got at all was from Elty and Megan, who pointed out that I was stepping out in a part when I should have slid my foot out instead.
They also got mad at me because I was trying to help out and lead a little bit, because the person who was supposed to be in charge, Adam, was gone, and I was really the only one who knew the whole thing well enough to direct, not to mention nobody else was truly stepping up to the plate and keeping things organized and going.
I seriously wanted to scream. I have never had to exercise so much self-control to keep my frustration from exploding. I just wanted everyone to take it seriously and do their parts, but they wouldn't, even when I asked nicely. I was trying to be as polite as possible, but they either ignored me or got mad at me for asking that they not mess around.
We were also teaching the second group our drama today, and my double wasn't here so I filled in. I was giving pointers to the other doubles playing the parts in the second group, and people were resentful of me for that, for who-knows-why.
The bad thing is, looking back on this, I couldn't tell them this because from their perspective it would just look like I'm blaming my problems on other people, even though that's not true. I don't want them to resent me more than they already do either. I know I can have a dominating and argumentative personality, so I can come across badly. I know that, and I'm working on it, but I can't change how I am and have been for so long very quickly. I hate that I come across the way I do, but sometimes things need to happen. They just don't take it very well from me I guess, because of the impression I have made on them with my argumentative and slightly contrary nature.
Anyway, another frustrating occurrence was that Elle, one of the second-group people, had a part where she was supposed to "hit" my character. (she wasn't actually supposed to touch me) The first time she made the mistake, and actually hit me. It didn't hurt or anything so I just let her know and left it at that. I guess she either didn't pay attention or wasn't being smart today because the second time she still hit me. It wouldn't have been a huge deal, because it wasn't that hard, but she hit the muscle in my shoulder that is sore anyways, and it really hurt! She apologized, and I forgave her, but my shoulder is still really sore.
Even this really isn't everything that happened, but the stuff earlier in the day wasn't quite as important, it just built up to this, little by little, making it even harder for me to keep a check on my frustration pressure-tank. I'm just thankful I was able to stay in control and not blow a gasket. I got close though. The only thing that helped me stay calm was praying to God for patience and self-control.
Soooo... Yeah... I had a bad day today...

Frustratedly,
Kimberly

Ok first of all...

I decided to delete my other blog. I'm just going to use this blog for everything. It's too complicated any other way.
Second, I had a fun day today. =)
My Aunt and I went on a little shopping trip at Old Navy. It was fun. I hadn't bought hardly any new clothes since September. (Lol!) It was rather refreshing to have something new that isn't fading, too small, or wearing out. =)
Other than that, I have something really painful tomorrow that I'm dreading - a root canal. Ugh!!!
It is really ironic actually. When I was younger, I was horrible about brushing my teeth regularly, but I never once got a cavity. Now that I'm older I consistently brush twice a day, and I even have a fancy Sonicare toothbrush and I'm getting cavities!!!!!
It frustrates me.
Haha.
So yeah...
My life is both really good and really sucks all at the same time.
Oh well, Se la vive.

Live.

The universe bound in time and space,
Flying by at such quick pace,
Each second gone you can't recapture,
Racing toward the final rapture,

To exist without living is tragedy,
To waste your days in fear and greed,
Let go and live before life is gone,
for the world is fleeting and eternity long,

'Tis different to exist than to truly live,
So use your heart to both love and forgive,
Live in the moment like it might be your last,
Love with your all and let go of the past,

Start today, strive toward your passion,
Find your calling and heed no distraction,
Your life is but a blink of an eye,
So what is its worth if you don't even try?

Hey! =)

I've decided to reserve this blog from now on solely for my poetry and eloquent musings, so I created a new blog for basically everything else. =)
So here's the link! http://thedailywalkoflife.blogspot.com/
Add me to your follow list! =)

So, things are a little better at least...

A couple of the situations I have been dealing with have sort of worked out. There are a couple that are suspended in midair, but until someone tips the balance, they're pretty stable.
My stress level yesterday was about a 9 (with 1 being waking up from a relaxed nap and realizing you don't have anything to do later, and 10 being "watch out! her head's gonna blow any second!") Today it has finally gone down to about a 5.5 on the stressometer.
So yeah...
If you're reading this, I would still love it if you would keep me in your prayers. I still need it in every way possible. I've got my stress under control, but the weight of my numerous situations is still just as serious.
I don't have time to write more, but thank you to all who read this.

God Bless,
Kimberly

Frustrated, Distressed, Sad, Confused, and Almost Hopeless.

That's what I am feeling right now.

As much as I would like to go into detail, there are some matters that are sensitive, and at least partially concern people who might read this. (as well as the fact that I simply don't have the time.)

The basic outline is this - I have a big decision to make some time within the next couple of months or so, and I have no idea what God wants me to do.

I also have a little problem with a couple of my friends at my school. One is in trouble and I haven't been able to reach her, and another, well, lets just say its way complicated.

And then on top of all this i have been dealing with a ton of spiritual issues inside myself. I know that Satan has been trying to get in my head, and while I am aware of it, He is still at least partially succeeding. I feel so hopeless in several situations. i know they are in God's hands, but 2 specific situations depend solely on my actions, in both the near and distant future.

That is why I need God's guidance so desperately, why I need it to be clear-cut and precise, with no room for doubt or probability of error.

I am really upset over a lot of stuff that has happened recently.
Sadly, some things are so.... I don't have an adjective, but because of the unnamed adjective, I cannot even divulge the whole story to the people I trust most in life.

(I apologize if I have made you curious only to leave you hanging, but I have to have somewhere to vent)

I close this post with simply this - Please pray for me, that God will give me clear guidance in all the situations that I am dealing with. I need all the prayer I can get.

Thanks....

Wow... Today was...

Absolutely amazing!!!
I went over to my Aunt Deana's house for our family Easter. It was incredibly fun. Especially since a certain special person was there. <3 I invited Nathan along so he could meet my extended family.It was incredible how well he fit in with my family. He was able to really connect, and it wasn't awkward at all like I thought it might be.I am really happy with how everything went.
It was wonderful to spend time with Nathan today. I loved having his arms around me again. I mean, I get to talk to him almost every day, but its no replacement for actually being physically there with him.
At one point we walked out to the river together. (My Aunt's property is HUGE. the edge of it goes all the way out to the river.) We just stood there for awhile, talking, looking at the river. When I shivered a teensy bit, he insisted on giving me his jacket, despite my protests. It was incredibly sweet.
Standing up there at the river, with the wind in my face and Nathan's arms around me, reminded me so much of the scene in the Titanic when she stands at the front of the ship that I actually burst out laughing. Lol.
When Nathan finally had to leave I was sad to see him go. I missed him before he had barely even left. It was kinda pathetic, but it's utterly true.
Nathan and I fit so perfect it's surreal. I'm almost worried I'm going to wake up and find out that this was all just a very detailed, very wonderful dream. Of course, I'm not saying everything is storybook perfect,(lol) but it's about as perfect as real life gets.
So yeah, my life is pretty dang good right now. I'm happy. =)
Well, I had better get to bed, so I guess I'm signing off. =)

~Kimbaby~

I haven't posted in awhile so....

......My life has been rather boring as of late.
There really hasn't been anything worth writing about.
Yet still I feel the urge to write.....
I guess I will copy down a poem from my notebook...

I falter yet again,
In this endless cycle going,
I start out in a sprint,
But always quickly slowing,

How am I to break,
This binding on my passion?
As the numbness overtakes again,
I start to lose my traction,

I want to seek You, Father God,
But my desire gets deeply buried,
And I forget the lonely, desperate times,
When I, by You, was carried,

By Your divine mercy,
You wipe away my sin,
And I pull myself upright,
To run this race again.


.........................


There's a passion burning in my soul,
Take my life - I give You all control,
I've made my choice, for You I'll live,
And give You all that I can give,
This spark becomes a burning flame,
As I give praise unto Your name,
I want my life to shine for You,
So I will stand upon Your truth.


.........................


Yeah so I don't really have any other new stuff.....
But this is good for now I guess.
I wish I knew if anyone was actually reading this though.
I have only gotten 1 comment on my very first post.... and it was from my aunt.
I know that at least certain best friend, and a certain boyfriend both supposedly read this, but I have yet to see any proof of this.
Care to prove it, Taylor, Nathan?
Haha...
Anyways.....
Nathan had a track meet today, and I wasn't able to go, and that made me sad.
But I was really happy for him - he got a new PR (personal record for non-sports people) in long-jump. He jumped 18'10" :D
That makes me really excited.
lol... it's kinda sad actually. When I did track last year, my long-jump PR was 10'.
......lol.
Anyways, I am kinda excited for tomorrow, because we have a cookie baking contest, and I am submitting Chocolate Oat Bars. My Mom's recipe. :)
I really hope I do well.
Maybe even 1st place. :D
lol
They are auctioning off all the cookies at the Ladies Tea Fundraiser for the school. :)
Well... That's about all for tonight.
That felt good to just write. I need to do this more often.... (train of thought trails off into the sunset....)

luvs!
~Kimbaby~

Me being a spoilt brat and complaining. Oh woe is me.

I am feeling... hmm... slightly frustrated, I suppose, is the best term at the moment.
I love my school, don't get me wrong. It's the best school I've ever gone to. I love the atmosphere, and the classes, and all the people there are really nice.
My problem is this: In such a small school (17 highschoolers total - including me) That I have no niche.
I had gone to the same school all the way through 7th grade, and always had lots of friends. They came and they went, but I never had a problem making new ones.
In 8th grade, however, I switched to Eugene Christian. My situation there that year is much like my current one.
All the current students had been friends since they were little, and while they didn't purposefully exclude me, they didn't think to include me.
That's the problem with small schools.
When I went to Springfield High at the beginning of last year, I easily made new friends, because it was big enough that if I wasn't easily able to make friends with people in one certain class, I still had 7 other class-fulls to search through.
Then when I switched to Lifegate, same basic problem as at Eugene Christian.
So, now I'm here.
The only major difference between Eugene Christian, Lifegate, and here, is that I fit in perfectly academically here. (aside from their torturous college-level grammar books - *shudder*)
All of the other highschoolers are friendly to me, and occasionally we talk, but no one seems to think about actually becoming *friends* with me. Like, the type that actually does stuff outside of school.
This never really bothered me for the first half of the year, because really, I have plenty of friends, the problem is that they live way too far away, but lately, it's really been getting to me.
They don't even really include me in their conversations.
If I happen to walk up and join they don't push me away or anything, but they don't ever start conversations with me unless it's asking for help on an assignment, or asking what the teacher said.
I wish desperately that some of my friends went to my school.
Every day I feel like an outsider to their happy little friends circle, and it hurts just a little bit.
I wish one of them would take an interest in actually getting to know me, finding out my story.
Half them don't even know I don't have a mom.
They all assume my aunt who drives me to and from school is my mom.
Most of the time that doesn't bother me, but when a spot gets poked enough, it gets a little sore...
I dunno...
I'm being too sensitive, but my situation makes me a bit more emotional about things.

When they look,
They don't see,
Who I am,
The real me,

To them I'm just,
Another girl,
Another face,
From another world,

Standing on the outside,
Always looking in,
Longing for inclusion,
To share their laughing grins,

Silently bearing heavy loads,
But no one thinks to ask,
Those whom that I daily see,
Don't know my heavy past.

Frustratedly,
Kimberly

Wild Horse Chase.

So..... Today I have been getting to know the neighbor's horses.
I met them yesterday when the horses got out and were eating our grass.
lol
They are... rather mischievous little ponies. :P
Today Katie (next-door neighbor) and I were petting them and getting to know them.
There are three of them - Onica, a mare, Misty, the other mare, and Liberty, the gelding, and "herd leader" of sorts.
Whatever that headstrong little rebel did/does, the other two follow.
Anyway, Onica took a special liking to Katie, and, much to my dismay, Liberty, (or as I now call him, Rebel) took a special liking to me.
That mischievous little guy kept trying his tricks with me.
Luckily I had become acquainted with a demon-horse named Lily who taught me every trick in the book - the hard way - so I escaped fairly unscathed for the most part.
When we went to leave, however, I unhooked the electric fence to get out, and the smart little buggers charged it!
And, surprise, surprise, guess who was in the lead?
None other than that rebel-horse. (exasperated sigh)
They ripped the wires right out of my hands!!!
It hurt!!!!
I lost all feeling in my fingers for awhile.
The escapees led us on a wild goose chase trying to catch them and put them back in their pen.
lol.
It was fun though.
.......Despite the fact that my fingers are now bruising.......
Ouch.

A note to a special person <3

A note to a special person:
I am beyond words when I think about you.
Every word you say, every look you give me, they make me feel more special, more loved, than I have ever felt before in my life.
You cannot imagine the profound impact you have had on my life.
I shake my head in disbelief that someone as incredible as you, would fall for someone as unimpressive and unimportant as me.
I treasure every moment we spend together.
I thank God that you are in my life.
Love, <3 Kimberly <3

Renewal

Let the rain fall down,
And wash me clean,
Cleanse my heart,
Let me be free,
From my broken past,
Myself renewed,
A new commitment,
That I'll be true,
Out of the dark,
And in in the light,
Now I see,
The black and white,
No longer blurred,
By shades of gray,
I see the truth,
And it's here to stay.

LIVE Life

Is it enough to live,
Is it enough to breathe,
To live life to its fullest,
What is it that we need?
Color outside the lines,
Live where no one else thinks,
Find out where your passions lie,
And take it to the brink,
Don't let life drag you down,
See the beauty in the everyday,
Seek until you find it,
And Strive to make a way,
Dance across the sunlight,
Float among the clouds,
love like you haven't been hurt,
And trust without any doubts.

Renewal

Let the rain fall down,
And wash me clean,
Cleanse my heart,
Let me be free,
From my broken past,
Myself renewed,
A new commitment,
That I'll be true,
Out of the dark,
I'm in the light,
Now I see,
The black and white,
No longer blurred,
By shades of gray,
I see the truth,
And it's here to stay.

wow.

Church tonight was amazing.Worship was so powerful.
I love it when I can truly get to that place where its just me and God, and everything else just disappears...
Sadly that doesn't happen as frequently as I wish it would.
I find myself distracted by the littlest things, pulling my attention away so it is no longer fully on God.
It annoys the heck outta me!!!
I realize it's happening yet even in realizing that the fact itself distracts me!
I get so frustrated sometimes...
Luckily, tonight wasn't one of them. :D
God's presence was so powerful, it was awe-inspiring... overwhelming...
I have been praying for a while now that God would renew my passion for him, because I had sort of fallen numb, doing the whole "Christian routine" rather than stepping out in faith. I hadn't been feeling that passionate connection I had known.
Tonight God finally answered that prayer, renewing my passion for his word, and for my relationship with him.
I praise God right now with all my heart, soul, and mind.
:D :D :D :D

God Bless Y'all :P
~Kimmy-Kat~

Nathan & I's joint Bible study begins. :)

So Nathan and I are starting a joint bible study.
We decided to read through one book of the Bible each week in our personal devotions, and at the end of each week we will spend some time together discussing what we read, what God was telling us through it, and about our spiritual lives, what we are struggling with etc.
This week we are going to read through Matthew.
If the trend continues i suppose we will just work our way through the New Testament.
Anyways...... yeah.....
I'm going to bed now. chau.
~Kimmy~
(btw I have many nicknames and I switch which one i use according to my mood so....)

Release

The music calls my name,
Flowing through my fingers,
Lyric, melody,
Wistful words that linger,
The quiet sounds of nature,
Fill my mind with peace,
I grab my pad of paper,
to feel that sweet release,
As the words flow freely,
From mind to hand to pen,
My mind soars in the stars,
From beginning to the end.

Okay, so..........

So I'm really new at this blogging stuff...
I've never been good at writing in anything regularly, so..... I'm not gonna promise I will.
This is a place for me to vent.
A place where I can write my poetry, rant about stuff..... whatever I feel like.
This blog, for me, is a place where I am going to show the real me.
That's sorta the significance of the name.
I'm showing who I am "behind my guarded eyes"
One thing I do ask is that nobody uses my poetry in anything without permission.
Poetry is my form of art, and as author of my poems, it really ticks me off when someone steals it from me. I am very protective of them. So... yeah please don't do that.
Anyways, here's to the beginning of my blog!
- Kimberly Nicole Smith