Why can't I be content? I am so blessed... I have a wonderful, amazing, supportive family who loves me..... incredible friends who God has always brought into my life in His perfect timing... a good school where I am doing well.... I have food, water, shelter, clothing, and many extra things that aren't even essentials.
I should be happy, content. I should be be a better person than I am. I should be able to do better. I shouldn't feel discontented.... I have every material advantage I could need. So why does my heart still ache?
I want to have someone to love. I want my someone, the one I will have for the rest of my life. I want to know who it is. I want so very badly to have a man who will hug me all the time, and whisper in my ear that I am beautiful and he loves me... I long for this so badly it aches in my very soul...
I know it is not yet God's timing, because obviously, there is not even a man in my life right now. I'm not even dating anyone. Since I know it isn't God's timing, I have asked Him to take this desire from me until it is His timing, but yet my heart aches still....
I fear... I fear that I want this so badly I might give my hear away too easily.... That I will give it away to the wrong person and be hurt again... It makes me close my heart off, yet I still struggle to maintain a balance between guarding my heart, yet still keeping it soft, not letting my heart go hard and cold...
It is so difficult, it is painful.
I am also struggling between being honest and open, and being too transparent, giving everything away.
I want so badly to be approachable, fun, someone who is enjoyable to spend time with. But... I also want to be completely honest, even when it hurts. I don't want to wear a mask. I don't want to pretend to be someone I am not, yet how do I do that without making others uncomfortable, or putting them off?
Frankly, right now I am struggling with simply discovering more of who God made me to be. I have a very loud and overwhelming personality, and I'm trying to learn how to tone it down without being untrue to who I am.
I just feel so..... inadequate. I'm not good enough, not strong enough, not kind enough, not selfless enough, not giving enough, not disciplined enough... I'm too emotional, too loud, too needy, too touchy, too open, too physical, too technical, too much....
I know I am not alone in these feelings. I have sat and listened to so many women echo these very same sentiments. I have been a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen countless times as I have heard stories of pain. heartbreak, inadequacy, and confusion. I have seen the tears and heard all these lies that we as women hear... and the worst part is? We believe them. Even those of us who know it isn't true, those who cling to the Word of God, and all it says about how we are beautiful, cherished, loved... We twist it. We hold ourselves up against God's standards, and say "I'm not good enough. How can God love me when I don't reach the standards God has set? How can anyone love me?"
We set double standards. We always think of ourselves as inadequate, while always giving others the benefit of the doubt, and more grace than we give ourselves. Even worse than that? We compare ourselves to those around us.
"If only I had her sense of style."
"If only I could cook as well as her."
"I wish I had her hair."
"If only I could be as organized as her."
Sound familiar? And whether we consciously think it or not, each of these statements ends with "Maybe then I could be good enough. Maybe then someone could love me."
These are the lies and deceptions we believe. Even Christian culture, actually, especially Christian culture, feeds these lies. The lies that we aren't good enough.
But as I look deeper into the Word of God, this isn't the message I find. The message I do find, in fact, is quite different - that God loves us where we are. We don't have to reach a standard for him to love us. We don't have to have a certain amount of "church service points" or say the "right words". In fact, He loves us the same whether we are a great missionary, or a street walker. Not because He doesn't appreciate and delight in us when we serve him, but simply because He loves us so much He can't love us any more - because His love knows no boundaries. It goes on for forever.
We are His children. We are "fearfully and wonderfully made" by Him. He knew us before we existed. He knew every breathe we would take before we took out first. He knows every detail about us, things we don't even know ourselves, because He loves us that much. He loves us enough to shape every detail in our being. Not a single person on this earth was a mistake or accident. We were each made specially by Him for a purpose.
I have heard so many people ask "If there really is a loving God, why is there so much pain and death in the world?" This is used as an excuse to ignore God, to justify not believing that He exists. An excuse to go on doing the very things that cause all the pain, suffering and death in this world. But since God doesn't exist, you don't have to feel bad, right?
The thing about love, is that it isn't simply a feeling - it is a choice. So when God made us, He wanted us to love Him as He loves us. Therefore, he had to give us a choice. A choice to trust Him, love Him, or a choice to reject Him. It is the fact that time and time again, humanity rejects God that causes the pain and suffering in the world. It is Newton's Law - For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Another phrase I hear often is "If God really loves us, he won't send us to Hell."
Again, this is a sad common misconception. God doesn't want to send us to Hell. Hell was not even created for us - it was created for Satan. But when Adam and Eve sinned and were cast out of the garden, They were separated from God. God didn't want to be separated from them forever, which is why death was allowed into the world. That way, humanity had a choice. In their short lifetime, they could choose to turn to God, love Him, and live for Him, or they could reject Him. At the end of each of our lives we will simply follow out that choice. Those of us who live for our God and Savor will go to be with Him forever. Those who don't will be cut off from God for eternity - that's what Hell is. Hell is dying a thousand painful deaths for eternity with no hope, no joy, no life - because everything good comes from God, and Hell is being cut off from God for eternity.
God loves each of us dearly, and longs for each of us to turn and live for Him. He cries out to us saying "Choose me, my child, choose what is better."
God does not want us to be cut off from Him. He created us to love and be loved by Him. But you see, the thing is, God is the embodiment of perfection, and sin and error can not stand to be in the presence of perfection. That is why God sent his Son down to earth to bear our sins on the cross. That way, by accepting His forgiveness and repenting from our old life, we can be in His presence, and one day go to be with Him forever. This doesn't mean when you become a Christian you become perfect - far from it. It just mean you have been forgiven. It means that on judgement day, Christ will stand in the gap and say "I have taken this child's place. I bore their sin, their punishment."
I long to share these truths.... For that matter, I long to know and believe them deeper in my own heart. I still struggle, and I don't understand most of the time, but that's okay.
To quote comedian Brad Stine "I don't want a God that I can understand. Let me put it to you like this: If the Creator of the Universe's intellect is equal to MINE, you all are in for a world of hurt."
I don't know how to handle it when this happens. How can I still stay friends with a guy I know likes me in a different way than I like him? I become paranoid about the things I do or say, because I don't want to lead him on, but it hurts the friendship in the end... And how can I stay friends with a guy that i am falling for, especially when I know he doesn't feel the same way? It becomes a catch 22. I want to talk to him all the time because I like him and want to know him better, but then when I do it becomes painful knowing that nothing will ever happen, so it makes me want to avoid him altogether. Again, in the end it damages the friendship.
