Senior Year

So this September, I will be starting my senior year of high school, as well as turning 18. I will be a legal adult, and on the brink of moving out into the "real world" on my own.
Exciting? Yes.
Scary? Undeniably so.
Ever since I started my freshman year, I couldn't wait to graduate and be done with high school! Now as I stand facing the beginning of my last year, I cannot help but wish I had just a couple more years before I had to make all the big decisions I will be forced to make this year. More time to develop who I am, to get involved in all the activities that having a job in the "real world" will make no allowance for. I feel myself scrambling to hold on to every last precious moment of what is left of high school  - before the school year has even started yet!
I feel blessed, however, that I have had this realization so early on in my last year. It has influenced me to make some decisions about this year that will serve me well. I have decided to squeeze in every last thing I can into my senior year before it is over. I am going to really live this year, not taking any moment for granted.
I'm going to start guitar and voice lessons soon, and I am going to volunteer at a nursing home once school starts. I also want to join 4H. (my aunt wants to get goats whether or not I do 4H so it's a perfect opportunity) Aside from this, I am going to throw myself into school this year. I want to get the best grades I possibly can, to finish high school strong. Of course, the most important thing to me will continue to be my relationship with God, regardless of whatever else I end up doing.
Senior year is shaping up to be my busiest, most exciting, and scariest year ever.

Holding Me

Every time I start to trust in anything but You, 
I trip and I fall until I come back to the Truth, 
But every time I fall You're right there holding me, 
Telling me that You believe, in everything that I could be, 


But how many times have I broken Your heart? 
And I break it once again, 
And how many times have you opened your arms,
And let me right back in?
But You're, holdin' me,
Even when I start to stray,
You still keep, holdin' me,
Even when I walked away,
Your love's never failing,
Though Your heart it was breaking,
You were holding me, through the pain.


All the lonely nights and the empty days,
This is the life that I live, that I'm wasting away.
What am I doing in the time I have here?
Living my life by my greed and my fear, 

And how many times have I broken Your heart? 

And I break it once again, 

And how many times have you opened your arms,

And let me right back in?

But You're, holdin' me,

Even when I start to stray,

You still keep, holdin' me,

Even when I walked away,

Your love's never failing,

Though Your heart it was breaking,

You were holding me, through the pain

I'm not always true,

But I'm still in love with you,

So you forgive me again,

And wipe away my sin,

I want so hard to live a life that's Holy,

I just want you to be my one and only...

But how many times have I broken Your heart? 

And I break it once again, 

And how many times have you opened your arms,

And let me right back in?

But You're, holdin' me,

Even when I start to stray,

You still keep, holdin' me,

Even when I walked away,

Your love's never failing,

Though Your heart it was breaking,

You were holding me, through the pain.

Moving On

Never thought I could move on, from you baby, 
But guess what? I even surprised myself, 
And now I've stopped looking back on behind me, 
Letting the past gather dust on the shelf, 
'Cause the past is in the past, 
I'm looking forward moving on, 
And I never knew 'till I had to, 
That I could ever be this strong,
Moving on was easier,
Than I thought that it would be,
I just had to let you go,
So that God could set me free. ♥

Heal This Broken Heart

Just a new song I wrote. Enjoy! =)

I'm sitting here alone with my thoughts,
That keep coming back to you,
I can't avoid all my regrets,
I just don't know what to do,
'Cause what we had was special,
And what we had was real,
But now its gone away,
And I can't change the way you feel,

I should move on, but even so,
My stubborn heart just can't let you go,
I'm trying hard to find a way,
Just so I can make it through another day,
But when I'm breaking, falling all apart,
Tell me how, tell me how, can I heal this broken heart?
Heal this broken heart,
This broken heart,

But my Savior's love will make a way,
To move on from this hollow pain,
That I feel inside my heart with you gone,
No more regret, and no more tears,
I'll conquer all my greatest fears,
With a God more faithful than any human man,

And I'll move on, move forward so,
My heart can finally let you go,
My Savior's love paving the way,
Guiding me through each and every day,
And when I've broken all apart,
Its His love, His love, that heals this broken heart,

Heals this broken heart,

This broken heart,

These Moments

This is an old song I found in my notebooks when I was looking through them...
I decided to rewrite it and add verses. Let me know whatcha think!

Verse 1:
Take my hand, baby,
Come down along this road,
We'll dance until the sun sets,
And our parents call us home,
Come savor this moment,
Your fingers locked in mine,
My head laid on your shoulder,
In this single breath of time,

Chorus:
Hold on to these moments, yeah,
Don't you let them pass you by,
'Cause it's these moments, that keep you going ,
When you know you're 'bout to cry,
Know you're 'bout to cry,

Verse 2:
Life is a journey,
But it's not meant to be alone,
Others in your life,
Are meant to know you and be known,
'Cause the cry of every bleeding heart,
Is to find its other half,
Let's let go of everything,
And cry until we laugh,

Chorus:

Hold on to these moments, yeah,

Don't you let them pass you by,

'Cause it's these moments, that keep you going ,

When you know you're 'bout to cry,

Know you're 'bout to cry,

Bridge:

'Cause one day it'll be okay,

All the pain and tears will wash away,

Every lonely heart will find true love,

As our Father watches from above,

There'll be no more fighting, no more wars,

And no more sadness anymore,

Only love and hope, and perfect peace,

Forever all our troubles cease,

Chorus:

Hold on to these moments, yeah,

Don't you let them pass you by,

'Cause it's these moments, that keep you going ,

When you know you're 'bout to cry,

Know you're 'bout to cry,

Please no stealing this song.

We Are Both to Blame

We both made mistakes, we both got hurt, 
We both are to blame, but you know what's even worse? 
I held on so long, to that last thread of hope, 
That it cut through my heart, when it finally broke.
I never thought that this day would come,
When you'd turn away, leave me feeling numb,
I never thought I'd have to give up my dream,
Of happy ever after, but so it does seem,
God opened the door, and let us chose,
But you walked away, leaving my heart bruised,
I guess this is best, I guess I'll move on,
But I'll always remember when I hear our old song.

A Little of My Testimony, and Being Called Back Again.

Today has been a day of many changes, realizations, and new vision for my life.
I went to my old church, Springfield Faith Center, today and it felt like coming home after being gone for far too long.
Normally you would say "What's the big deal? You were gone and you came back."
This is not the case within my mind however.
I grew up at SFC, starting in the nursery when I was only 3 months old.
for the first 13 years or so of my life, SFC was my home. It was my social place, where I could talk to lots of people and get lots of hugs without being scolded for talking to much. I was the garden to my social butterfly, so to speak. These wonderful people of SFC watched me grow up. They were my family in the truest sense of the word.
When my mom died, however, I became severely depressed. I pushed away everyone who just wanted to help me. I wanted nothing to do with sociality.I basically became a reclusive emo, but without the makeup, only simply cause I was too depressed to care about makeup. I didn't want people asking me how I was because I would just have to lie when they did. I didn't want people to talk to me. I was too focused on myself and my own misery. Because of this I pushed God away too. I didn't want him in my business, in my own personal life. I didn't want to make an effort to have any sort of relationship with him at all. Because of all this, church became a place I despised.
I would often sneak out of service and sit outside or in the lounge until church was over. I didn't want any human interaction, any instruction, any guidance...
It was a very bad place in my life.
Without the guidance and instruction I despised, yet so desperately needed, I fell into sin. I began running with the wrong crowd. While I never participated in any of the immoral and illegal things that went on in that crowd, I was so desensitized I accepted it without thought. It was only my strongly moral upbringing that saved me from joining them further than I did, for which i am eternally grateful.
The summer after my freshman year, something amazing happened in my life.
I went to Camp Crestview, and God absolutely changed my life forever.
I don't remember a specific instance that camp in which I changed, only that I did. God saved me from the deepest pit of misery in which I was wallowing. He pulled me out of my depression, my anger, my self-pity, my grief, and my issues of self-worth.
But he didn't stop there.
After pulling me out of said pit, he provided me with the most amazing supportive group of friends I could have ever asked for, to keep me from falling back in. Nathan, Ryan, Abbie, Hannah, Jonathan, Joy, and Kristen, just to name a few. I cannot express how amazingly grateful I am to them all.
That following school year I moved in with my Aunt Deana, and began attending her church. I love Lifebible, truly I do. Again, God provided me with wonderful supportive friends there as well.
But in all this, I never went back to SFC for any considerable length of time.
Now the place I despised, has once again become the place I loved as a child. The place where I am known, loved, supported, guided, and deeply cared for. My family is there. My dearly beloved childhood church family.
Going there today, I truly felt (belatedly) like a prodigal daughter come home.
I feel like God is calling me back to my first love, my first "family", my first "home".
I feel like I need to get deeply involved in my home church again.
I will be sad to leave my LifeBible family (though I will visit often) but God is calling my heart back to my first home, the place where I learned to love Him as a child.
There is much more that happened today, but I shall save writing of it until tomorrow, as it is past 1am and I need to sleep.
So much, all in one day... God truly is incredible. <3

Miles Away

I know it's my fault,
But it hurts my heart too,
I know you've moved on,
I just wish I could too,
Your eyes showed me more,
Than you ever cared to say,
You were standing right there,
But you were miles away...

The Valley of Death, and Too Little, Too Late

Something has been on my mind lately...
My cousin Bekah, recently talked about a sermon her pastor preached, and it has stuck with me, a little bug in my ear.
The sermon was on "the valley of the shadow of death". He talked about how the verse says "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death". That means we keep moving through. So many people set up camp in that valley, praying "God give us peace to be content where we are!" and God's looking at them saying "Why are you staying there? You are supposed to keep moving!"
I myself am guilty of this. I have realized I tend to dwell on the difficult things in life for far too long, and not letting them go and moving on. In many cases, this is the wrong thing to do.
What about when you have tried to move on though? What about when it feels wrong to move on, and you don't want to?
I can't go back, but I can't move on. I feel like right now I'm stuck in a tar pit in the middle of the valley of death. Something is keeping me from moving on. Something doesn't feel right about moving on.
So what do I do?
There are some things I will be able to move on from, even if the affects still linger. From these things, I have consciously made a decision to let them go.
From one thing however, I cannot. Even when it seems like I should.
I was trying too hard to move on from it, and got snapped back like a rubber band, and boy did that snap hurt, because when I finally got back to where I was supposed to be, that rubber band broke and left me stranded.
Too little, too late.
I was an idiot who didn't realize where she was supposed to be until too late.
I misinterpreted what God had told me, putting my own human limits on it to make it easier to comprehend. I overstepped my bounds by placing those limits on it. I made a huge mistake.
One that I may have to live with for the rest of my life,  being stuck here where I am. I really hope not. By the grace of God maybe someday there will be a way out, but until then I'm stuck here.....
And it sucks.
Satan is definitely using it to his advantage, for sure. Using it to distract me, taunt me, torture me.
What could have been? What might have been?
If only I had understood sooner.....
To little... Too late.....

Run

I can run from places, run from things,
But I can't run from memories,
I can hide away in a secret place,
But I close my eyes and see your face,
I can close my mouth and deny aloud,
But my eyes still search for you in a crowd,
I could move away, half a world apart,
But that doesn't mean that I can take back my heart.

In My Brokenness

Days so long, and nights yet longer,
My song of waiting, but growing stronger,
My heart is restless, after such brief peace,
Only half a morning of sweet relief,
Then I'm at the end, flat on the ground,
Bearing weight that pulls me down,
But here at my worst, I'm at my best,
To be used by you in my brokenness,
Let my life glorify my God alone,
Let all see He who is on the throne,
Let me be humble so you can be great,
Teach me to love, and how to not hate,
Let me be weak so you can be strong,
Teach me to live for you, my life-song,
Let me be scorned, but my God be praised,
Teach me to learn and to walk in your ways,
Undeserving and sinful, imperfectly me,
But let your light be the one that they see,
Use me so broken, use me so weak,
But grant me just this: let it be you that I seek.

Unspoken Words

I didn't need to hear him speak, a single word aloud,
His silent words spoke volumes, that could hush the loudest crowd,
Trivial words into the air, but deeper meanings meant,
What is said and what is shown, diversely different,
If eyes are windows to the soul, then locked and barred they be,
And rightly so, for all the pain, the barring against me,
So I sit alone with lonely words, playing over and over again,
Through my head, the mournful words "I wonder what might have been".

Old Memories make life hard.

Hey I found this from quite a while ago.... I thought I had posted it but it was just saved as a draft.... so it doesn't really apply at this point, since things have changed, but I wanted to post it anyways.


My heart is breaking,
My soul is aching,
But they can't see through the smile I'm faking,
And the tears that fall,
Make me feel so small,
I wonder if I'm worth it after all,
I long for the past,
What we had, unsurpassed,
But the good things we have don't always last,

His Glory

By grace alone,  
We have been set free, 
Through His love eyes are opened, 
So that we can see, 
His life covers ours,  
Making us new, 
Casting off lies,  
And freeing the truth, 
Humbled and broken,  
We bow at his feet, 
Proclaiming His goodness,  
Through every last street, 
Impatient we wait, 
For the day that will come, 
When He will come in His glory, 
Like the rising sun.

New poems... I was bored during school.

A Prayer

Calm my restless heart, O God,

Command it to be still,

For it keeps me ever wandering,

And it overcomes my will,

Keep your hand upon my shoulder, Lord,

To guide me through each day,

And let your words of truth and love,

Be the only ones I say,

Let my heart not wander far,

But keep it close to you,

My thoughts, as well, from straying,

But to dwell upon your truth,

In thought and deed and word,

Let my motives be in love,

And the wisdom of my actions,

Let come solely from above.

--------------------

Trapped

Trapped in body,

Bound in soul,

Restless heart,

And society cold,

Passionate Spirit,

Struggling still,

For lack of air,

Grows slowly ill,

Tired vessel,

Weak and slow,

Apathy-poisoned,

Stunts the growth,

Struggling to wake,

To live again,

The Spirit cries,

Under weight of sin,

The fight of flesh,

And Spirit waged,

Bound by chains,

Trapped and caged,

Waiting patient,

To be freed,

When flesh will break,

And Spirit lead.

--------------------

A Song of Praise

Instruments play, and singers sing!

Bang the drum and tambourine!

Praise Him all you people freed!

Redeemed from sins captivity!

Raise a shout unto the King!

Let praises from the mountains ring!

Make a joyful sound of praise!

Dance abandoned, hands upraised!

Let the earth just fade away!

Come unto His throne today!

Dance for joy, dance for love!

For our Savior God above!

Abandon self, abandon pride!

Look up in his glorious eyes!

Trumpets blow and drummers pound!

That every ear would hear the sound!

Sing for all your life is worth!

For time is fleeting, here on earth.

A Passionate Rant.

The word needs more Christian leaders who understand the heart of the law instead of the letter of the law.... Ones who truly love and seek after God, not making it just about rules and religious ceremony, but about living a life in love with our Savior. 
Obedience is born from love, not the other way around - you obey because you love, not love cause you obey. A lot of "christians" just don't get that!!!!! They live a lie, claiming the title without living out the heart. Life without passion, without understanding, without love, without God.... That's no life at all - only an empty shell of an existence, less than, even.  
Passivity and "tolerance" for sinful lifestyles is slowly killing off true Christianity. We ourselves have become like the Pharisees, who Jesus himself so vehemently called "sons of vipers". We have put the letter of the law and religious traditions over the meaning behind the very base of our faith! even worse, we pick and choose only the parts of the Bible we "like", conveniently leaving out anything that might "offend" anybody, or that makes us uncomfortable! Forget anything about accountability, or how homosexuality is wrong, or about being saved by grace!!! No!!! Lets all live life the way we want, but go to church and do something good every once in awhile to make ourselves feel justified in our sin! By all means!!! It doesn't need to be PERSONAL in any way. We can stay in our safe little comfort zones. We don't need to stretch ourselves, or grow at all. Never....  
How can you fight against something when everyone is living a lie they believe to be the truth you are speaking? I tell you the truth - it's easier to convert a self-proclaimed unbeliever, than it is to make someone who calls themselves a believer to wake up and realize the lie that they are living!!!! Sometimes I just want to scream and pull out my hair, because I see all the people around me, friends even, living a lie and believing it!!! They are just fooling themselves!!!! I can't even effectively explain the truth to someone unless they are willing to admit to themselves the lie... I hate how I can't seem to help anything!!!!  
It's like I'm watching my friends walk off a cliff, and I'm up to my waist in tar - I can yell at them all I want, but I can't stop them from walking off that cliff if they won't listen to me. I can tell them "You are about to walk off a cliff and die!!! Stop before you fall off!!!!" but if they want to believe that there is no cliff, what can I do? Nothing.  
Christians, believers everywhere, need to wake up and realize God is not just some distant, uncaring deity, but a close, personal, loving God. We are saved by grace and redeemed by faith. You can't work your way into heaven with good deeds, you certainly can't justify your sin, and just because you go to church doesn't mean you are going to heaven!!!!  
One day we will each stand before the throne of God. Let me ask you this. Will you recognize his voice as the voice of your loving savior? Will your name be in the Book of Life? Will you run into his open arms with confidence? Or will you be cowering with fear and guilt, as God looks at you sadly and says "I never knew you". Do you know God as your personal Lord and Savior? Will Jesus recognize you as one of his own when you stand before the throne of judgement?

Waiting... And a very confused jumble of ramblings....

I am generally a very spontaneous person.

I like to make plans spur-of-the-moment, like going to a movie with a friend, or deciding to drive up to see my friends in Albany, on a Friday afternoon.I have always had a tendency to speak before my brain finishes the thought, which while it makes for some funny conversations, it can also get me into huge trouble, and sticky situations.

Sometimes my spontaneity is a fun, good, healthy thing. It keeps life interesting, an adventure. Other times, it gets me into trouble, like making big decisions rashly, or putting off responsibilities, all in pursuit of my random ideas and emotions. 

God has been teaching me lately to wait, to think things through, to pray, before I act, especially when my emotions are involved.

Emotions are tricky things. They cloud the mind, dampen inhibitions, and create a sometimes insane desire towards some kind of action. Welcome to the life of a teenager, where emotions are overflowing in abundance, along with hormones, stress, and insecurities, all while trying to figure out who exactly you were made to be, and how to become that person.

Emotions make it hard to hear God clearly. We often hear what we want to hear, or what we think we should be hearing, rather than what God is actually saying. This makes it difficult, if not next to impossible, to be sure just where you are going or what you are doing.

As a teenager, there are so many things the world is selling you. They promise happiness, fulfilment, joy, freedom, and absence of worries and problems. In the end, these are all empty politicians promises. They tell you the words you want to hear, so you will do what they want, become who they form you to be, and end up empty, just like them. The world teaches us to "do what feels good" and do what we want. The weird thing is, even after it turns out bad, time after time, no one seems to learn from the consequences.

Changing direction a bit here now....

In the Bible it says that God will give us the desires of our heart. This is because if it is a true desire of our heart, that means God put it there, so of course he will give us what he has put upon our heart to desire. A common misconception has been brought to my attention, however. While it does say he will give us the desires of our heart, it does not say he will give it to us immediately, right when we want them. 

This has been the struggle for me lately.

I am an impatient person, who can often act on impulse. It is very hard for me to wait and be patient, especially if it is for something I want so very badly. I am also a curious person. If I have an unanswered question, I will be driven insane until I fin the answer if it is something that matters to me.

God has been challenging me to wait more, pray more, and to be patient. He has been challenging me to trust him with my past, present, and future, to just relax and let him take control, trusting that he will work things out whether I am aware of it or not.

I am beginning to realize that God doesn't need my help to orchestrate my life how he wants it to be. I just need to do my best to glorify him with my life, and trust that he will take care of me. If I am focused on him, everything else will fall into place without my help. I don't need to worry, because worrying doesn't accomplish anything anyway. I just need to give it to God and wait on him for the rest.

Easier said than done, right? 

Very true, but it gives me something to go off of, to work on, to focus on.

I don't need to know the future, or what God has planned for me, until it happens. After all, life would be boring if I always knew what was going to happen. Maybe that's why I'm so spontaneous. 

Truly though, it is the waiting that is hard. I have these desires, and the extreme desire to move forward, to act on them. I want so badly for high school to be done, to start a new chapter of my life with college, or LIT, or whatever it is God tells me to do. I want to move forward in so many ways, to have an impact on my world, to bring people to Christ, but God still says to wait.

I heard a quote once that said, "The essence of youth is the state of being over-anxious and under-wise."

This is very true about me. The only reason this does not completely apply to me, is that I am wiser than I should be for my age, only by the grace of God for putting amazing adults in my life who guide me to make wise choices, and God himself also guiding me through his Word.

Reading over this blog, it is a very unorganized jumble of thoughts....
I guess the point I am trying to make here is that trusting God is the best way to go, even when it's hard, and that's what I'm learning to do. =)

Savior

By grace alone,  
We have been set free, 
Through His love eyes are opened,  
So that we can see, 
His life covers ours,  
Making us new, 
Casting off lies,  
And freeing the truth, 
Humbled and broken,  
We bow at his feet, 
Proclaiming His goodness,  
Through every last street, 
Impatient we wait, 
For the day that will come, 
When He will come in His glory, 
Like the rising sun.

Thoughts on Love, Marriage, and Divorce.

Love.

-Love is not just a feeling, an emotion.
-It's not just that warm, fuzzy, butterfly feeling in your gut, or the smile they bring to your face.
-Love is choosing to put the other person first, their needs, wants, and desires above your own.
-it's choosing to show thoughtful actions towards another person whether they deserve it or not, and whether you "feel" like it or not
-Love is going out of your way just to show someone else you care about them.
-Love is telling the truth, even when it isn't pretty.
-Love is doing the right thing, even when it hurts.
-Love does not waver in the face of adversity, it perseveres through the storm.
-Time does not make love fade, but makes it grow stronger.
-Love is the opposite of being selfish or self absorbed - Love thinks of others first.

Marriage.

-Marriage is the beautiful, holy union between a man and wife.
-Marriage is pure, sanctified before God.
-Marriage is more than a party, a celebration, beyond the wedding.
-Marriage is the the end of two lives for the beginning of a new one.
-Marriage is forever. Permanent, "until death do we part".
-Marriage is founded on true love, and the love of our Savior.
-Marriage is not supposed to be misused, misunderstood, warped, or twisted in any way out of it's intended fashion - yet that is what the world has done.

Divorce.

-Divorce is ugly.
-Divorce is cruel.
-Divorce splits families and hearts in two.
-Divorce is painful.
-Divorce leaves a scar on both people, because it is taking the two become one flesh, and tears them in two again.
-Divorce denies love.
-Divorce is the tempter - the "easy way out"
-Divorce is cowardly.
-Divorce is just plain wrong.

God is the only giver of perfect love. When we are right with Him, and focused on Him, everything else falls into place.

Various tidbits

 Trusting in you, doesn't mean I won't cry,
It just means when I do, you'll be by my side,
Trusting in you, doesn't mean it's not hard,
But when I'm broken you pick up the shards,
And put me back together again,
Lord, you put me back together again.

---------------------------------------

Paradoxes and contradictions,
Sanity of the insane,
Friendships that fade away with time,
And ones that end in pain,
Misunderstandings and misquotations,
Angry words that bite,
Stupid mistakes meant in love,
Held overhead in spite.

--------------------------------------

Waiting.
For an answer, a sign, a whisper.
Waiting.
For the end, the beginning, the chains to be loosed.
Waiting.
For a chance, a path, an open door.
Waiting.
For breath, for life, for a new day.
Waiting.
For love, for romance, for the day.
Waiting, waiting on God.

Diamond Thread

Back and forth, up and down,
Silently without a sound,
Emotions tumble, twist and roll,
Balancing betwixt my heart and soul,
So fast, a blur of threaded lines,
Connecting words, events, and times,
A confusing web of tangled knots,
Things I've heard and things I've thought,
But stepping back, enough away,
I see one thread strings perfectly,
Though weaker in the past before,
Now strong as diamonds to the core,
Sustaining life amidst the tangles,
No blow can weaken from any angle,
My faith alone, my saving grace,
With longing for one day to see his face,
My Savior, my Jesus, my Lord and my King,
My Lover, my Hero, and my Everything.

random bit

Part of a new song I'm working on. Wanted to post it before I forget. I can always come back later to finish it. =)
Verse 1:
I'm standing in the silence, Trying to hear your voice,
But I can't hear you whispering,
And I'm feeling so desperate, My heart cries out in pain,
Cause I'd do anything to see your face again,
First part of Chorus:
God do you see me? God do you hear me?
As I'm crying out to the sky,
Cause I feel so alone tonight, In the dark without a light,
No matter how hard I try....

I still need to write the less depressing part of the chorus that talks about trusting God through the pain, and then write more verses, but this is what I have for now. =)

Where to now, God?

Lately a lot of things have been going on that make me question who I really am.
I know who I want to be, and who I would like to believe I am, but when it comes down to reality, who am I?
Every time this comes up I always seem to push it to the side. I make excuses to myself that I'm too busy to think deeply about things right now. Usually.
Tonight, however, God sort of stepped in my path and made me slow down, and actually think it through.
I do know who I want to be. I have that much figured out. I want to be, first of all, me. The me God made me to be. An original one-of-a-kind individual, not the carbon-copy society wants me to become. I also want to be a woman of God. I want to be totally and completely sold out for my Jesus, and for him to be first in my life. I want to give my everything and my all to him.
Here is the problem: What I want is far too vague. I have no specific script to follow. Life is not a written drama. It's all improv. I have to make life up as I go along, with only basic guidelines God has put down in the Bible.
I know what I want. I just don't know how to get to where I want to be. I don't know what steps to take or what to do... More importantly, I don't know exactly what things God wants me to do. I can't ever quite seem to hear his voice clearly. Very few times have I been sure, and then only with confirmation from someone else, like a pastor. I feel so lost right now. I don't know how to do what God wants when I don't know what that is. I wish I could hear his voice clearly, and feel that strong connection and relationship with him, but all I seem to be getting is fuzzy murmurs and static. Why can't I just hear Him? I'm listening! I wish I knew why... I have so many life-defining decisions to make very soon in the coming future - what college I'm gonna go to, choosing a major, figuring out my social life, financial life, finding the right church near whatever college I go to... It's overwhelming and frustrating.
I suppose my point is, I'm not perfect. I'm struggling. I'm uncertain of where my life is headed in any category. I just don't know. I'm completely clueless. I'm a teenage girl who really doesn't know what exactly she wants or where she's headed...
I guess I'll just have to trust God in blind faith, and find out where he's taking me along the way. That's it, so where to now, God?

Plea from a Fast Food Employee

Since I have been working at McDonald's for several months now, I have compiled a mental list of common misconceptions people have about it and things people unknowingly do that make life miserable for us. Since all parties could benefit, I have decided to make this list public.

1. Yes, exact change is nice, but only if you have it ready BEFORE you need to pay. We are timed on everything in fast food. It's not helpful to sit around for five minutes while you dig through for the right change.
2. Know what you want to order before you come up to the register. There are always a million things that need to be done, but when you look like you are ready to order we are required to sit smiling and wait while you hmm and huh about what you want. Along the same lines, again, we are timed.
3. Try to let us know what alterations ( ie no pickles) you want to make right away. It is sometimes very difficult to change an order after it is put in the computer.
4. Please don't throw away full drink cups!!!! Pour them out at the drink station first. The trash liners are not waterproof and it ends in a huge sticky difficult mess.
5. Try to be courteous and throw away your trash. If you don't we have to drop everything and disrupt the system to do so.
6. Be patient! And it may take a bit to get your order out, but we often have a lot of other customers or are understaffed. Not toention it does take time for food to cook. Also, as the old saying goes, "don't shoot the messenger!!!" it usually isn't the servers fault.
7. If something is wrong, like a spill or a mess in the restroom, please tell us! We arent always aware of these things right away. When we are, we try to fix things as soon as possible.
8. Don't be shy! If we aren't busy feel free to have a friendly conversation with us. We are real people after all, and it males work much more bearable. Bonus points if you crack a joke that makes us laugh. :)
9. Be kind. Take into account that fast food is a high stress atmosphere, and it's easty to make mistakes. We aren't purposefully trying to mess up your order.
10. Despite what people think, fast food is a hard job. Don't look down on us because we do the grunt work of the job industry. If someone can perservere in fast food, they deserve a medal of some sort. This job is neither simple nor easy. You have to remember a million things at once and are constantly running around doing everything. Don't let the exterior appearance fool you.

That's all for now. Maybe more later! :)

Learning to Let Go

A single crystal tear trailed slowly down my face,
As I cast my heart into the river of my loving Savior's grace,
And after that one tear I shed had fallen to the ground,
My eyes were dry, and though I tried, my sobs made not a sound,
And my heart, it kept on aching, plaintively it cried,
As I bowed my head in anguish, and turned away my eyes,
For a time so long of invested heart,
A long-strung thread must come apart,
Anchored roots so grown together,
Strong entwined through stormy weather,
Must come apart and be untangled,
Though such action proves so painful,
So my heart thrown in the river, cut off my selfish ties,
Trusting in my God alone, ignoring Satan's lies,
And though the walk is painful, I want to let you know,
That I still truly love you, but I'm learning to let go. <3

I Will Never Regret..

I may hurt, I may cry, I may wonder why,
But I'll never regret you to the day that I die,
You helped me become who I am today,
I'm finding this out more and more every day,
So no matter what happens, No matter the pain,
I won't stand in the way if my loss is your gain,
I love you too much to make you stay here,
You are too precious, to infinitely dear,
So I won't be selfish, I'll let you go,
'Cause no matter the pain, This one thing I know,
You have so much more to give the world,
Than I can keep for me, just one single girl,
I'll cherish the memories, the time that we've had,
The crazy and happy, The tough and the sad,
You've been such a blessing, I wonder why,
That God would even give me this precious time,
I know in the future you will go so far,
Spreading God's light like the Bethlehem star,
I just want you to know that I'll never regret,
The love that we had or the time that we've spent.

Maybe I'll survive?

So I've been having a bipolar day today.
I was great this morning at church, then I came home and got all depressed when I was alone, and then I just had dinner and I feel better again because I got to talk with my aunt and uncle and cousin. Lots of funny stories and laughing.
I think I have some of what's going on figured out. When I'm left alone with my thoughts, because I hate being alone, I start thinking about the times when I wasn't alone and it makes me sad and depressed.
Unfortunately, knowing the problem doesn't really fix it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to trust God. I know he has a plan for me and my life, and I know it's better than anything I could ever imagine. I'm just gonna have to wait for it. God will show me who the right person is someday, I just need to be patient in the meantime, and focus on Him. After all, who better to be my valentine than the one who gave up everything for me?

Old Memories make life hard.

My heart is breaking,
My soul is aching,
But they can't see through the smile I'm faking,
And the tears that fall,
Make me feel so small,
I wonder if I'm worth it after all,
I long for the past,
What we had, unsurpassed,
But the good things we have don't always last...

My advice of the day: Unless God says otherwise to you, don't date in high school. Once you have been in a real relationship where you both truly care about each other, it's hard to stay single. It makes you miss having someone to care about, and have them care about you. It kinda sucks. =(

My Brilliant Theoretical Business Plan.

 So near the end of my last blog I talked about an idea I had about opening up a little cafe. I decided to do another blog to elaborate on my amazing theoretical plan. =)

I would call it "The Agape Cafe"
I wouldn't want it to be on a main drag. I would want it to be a cute small-town feeling place. I'm not sure where exactly it would be located, but probably in either Harrisburg or Junction City. =)
It would be a cute cozy homey feeling place. The kind of place that feels safe and comfortable, like you could curl up with a good book there forever. I would have it painted warm colors, with Bible verses painted artistically on the walls, and cute little knick-knacks on random shelves. In one corner there would be a fireplace and big comfy chairs, with a bookcase behind them filled with second-hand books for sale.
In another corner, there would be a small stage and a microphone, where every evening local artists could come and share poetry, songs, anything, and every Friday night there would be an "Open Mike" like Life Bible does once a year, when anyone could come and share, as long as they run their stuff by a trusted manager.
We would sell coffee, of course, as well as all the typical amazing goodies you find at that type of place. The not-so-typical part, would be that theoretically, my Aunt Deana, possibly the best goodie-making cook on the planet, would make them. =)
I would hire people from church to be employees and baristas, because of course I want to help support my work-needing church family! =)
That's about as far as I've gotten so far with my plan. Now all I need is a location, a partner, investors to get it started, and a business manager!  (That's not a big list at all is it? lol jk)
You know, this all started out as just an idea, and then a dream, but as each day goes by it's turning into a more solid actual plan. I think I could actually maybe make it work, though I still have quite a ways to go. I think I might take a business class over the summer at a community college. =)

My Thoughts On...

Work:
It gets me money. This is a good thing.
I work with nice people (mostly anyways) and a few friends. This is also a positive thing.
Work gives me real-life experience, and gives me a leg up on getting another job after this one should I need it. It also teaches me more responsibility. This is a very good thing
It is a high-stress environment. This is a bad thing.
The stress means I make mistakes, which makes people annoyed. This is also a negative thing.
Working means I now have little to no social life, and less time for homework or sleep. This is a very bad thing.
As of right now, I think that the good outweighs the bad, because I am adjusting to the high-stress atmosphere and making fewer mistakes. This may change, but for now, work is a good, however unpleasant, thing.

School:
School is mandatory. Not much I can do about it.
At the moment however, I like school, because school, church, and work, are my entire my social life.
At school I learn things like math that I will never use, (matrices etc.) and things like responsibility, which I will always use.
Despite some small amounts of difficulty earlier this quarter, I have good grades. My report card came out today. All A's except for 2 B's - Algebra 2 and Spanish. One more B than last semester, but not too shabby over all. The B in Spanish was only due to a couple late assignments anyway.

Home:
I'm always confused about which house to call my home. My Dad's house, where I've grown up since I was 3 months old, or my Aunt Deana's house, where I basically live almost full-time now?
Dad's house always used to be my home. I know the area inside and out. I grew up there. Everything's different now though. The house is remodeled, and I'm at Aunt Deana's so much I don't feel like I belong there anymore. It feels... impersonal. Like I'm only visiting almost.
Aunt Deana's house feels more like home to me now. This is where I always am. I do my homework here, I read, I sleep, I hang out, I write, all here. I know their extensive property pretty much completely, though I still explore it and make new discoveries every once in awhile. Another thing, people are always here. I'm not alone. Scott is usually in his bedroom doing homework, Uncle Rod gets home late, but he is always here in the morning to pray for me n Scott before we leave for school, and Aunt Deana makes dinner and goodies in the kitchen and corrects her papers in the living room. It's nice to not be home alone, even if I'm not actually talking with the other people in the house.
At Aunt Deana's, I also have Katie. She is pretty much my best friend. She lives right next door. We hang out practically every day. I love that girl.
Despite this, I wish I could be at home with my Dad more. I know he wants to spend more time with me. It's just really hard between school and work and trying to have a small pinch of social life in there somewhere. I love my Dad a lot, and wouldn't give him up for anything. I would be home more if I could....
I love my Dad's wife Cindy. She is one of the most loving people I know. She can be really insecure about herself or what to do, but she really cares. Also, I can kind of relate a lot to her. I can be really insecure at times too.

Other:
Life. Life is complicated.
Feelings are so fickle. The second I think I've made up my mind and I know how things are going to work out for something, everything changes. I keep feeling like I'm walking on a trail in the woods that goes in a circle.
... Hey, haven't I see that tree before?
I don't even know what I want anymore. Good luck for anyone else trying to figure it out.
My only constant is my solid rock. My Jesus.
I know I don't deserve him, but I know that he loves me anyway. I know that I want more of him. I know that I want to be closer to him. I know that I want to do what he wants me to do, follow the plans that he has for me. Of this one thing I am absolutely certain.
I guess right now I'm just not sure exactly where it is that he wants me to go.... So I wait.

I've been having this crazy idea though.... And it just keeps coming back.
I made a plan when I was 8. It was brilliant. When I grew up I was going to own and run a coffee shop. It would be a cute little cafe, a sit-down type place, with a small stage in one corner with a microphone for local poets, songwriters, performers etc., to share.
Back then it seemed like a far-off dream, but the idea just keeps coming back, even when I had forgotten about it for years.
I wonder if maybe this might be what God wants me to work toward. I don't know, but regardless, its a cool idea.....
Anyways, enough for now.

Random poems....

 I wrote this one several weeks ago after finding out about my Grandma being diagnosed with cancer.

Emotions so fragile,
So easy to shake,
A single sentence uttered,
And my heart begins to break,

As reality sets in,
This little bit of news,
Fear and desperation,
Turn my heart and mind askew,

Standing on the brink,
Of yet another death,
Another loved one lost,
Breathing their last breath,

I cannot bear to face it,
That such reality is near,
I cry out to God in heaven,
"Have I not shed too many tears?"

My heart and soul are aching,
My very body shaking,
In dread and fear of what is soon to come,
How much can my heart take,
Before it shatters, before it breaks,
From this painful foe from which I cannot run?

Oh Lord, I cry out, Save me!
Don't let me fall into despair!
Become my steadfast fortress,
Relieve this load that I now bear.


Random verse....

Sometimes no matter how hard we try, 
We fail and we don't know why, 
But trust in God for reasons unseen, 
And open the door to dream a new dream.

More to come later but I'm too distracted by jamming on my guitar to copy more right now. =)

Untangling My Heart

As I struggle, and I try, I turn away and hide my eyes, For a time so long of invested heart, This long-strung thread must come apart, Anchored roots so grown together, Strong entwined through stormy weather, Must be carefully untangled, Though such action proves so painful, I cling ever tighter to my Savior King, And release my control of everything.

Thank Him

Thank God for the times that you try,
Thank God for the tears that you cry,
Thank God in the pouring rain,
Thank God in the midst of your pain,
Thank God for all your trials and tests,
Because the things that we go through push us to our best.

Writing Exercize: My Perfect Guy

So I read about this writing exercise where you describe what you look for in a "Perfect Guy/Girl", and I thought it would be fun, so here goes. =)

There are a lot of different aspects I could address when describing my perfect guy - looks, strength, intelligence, - but none of those truly matter to me as much as the two aspects I count as most important. Those aspects, are his faith, and his personality.
My perfect guy would have to share my faith completely. By that I don't just mean that he has to say he is a "Christian", but that he would truly live it out, and not compromise his faith for anything the world might throw at him. I would want him to be as completely sold-out for God as I am. (or at least as much as I want and try to be) This is important to me, not only because the Bible says that that is the wise thing to do, but because of the reasoning behind it. I would want to be able to share my life completely with my husband someday, in all aspects, and my faith is a hugely important aspect of my life, that intertwines and affects all other aspects of my life. If I coul dn't share that with a guy, I would never even consider dating him, much less anything more.
The second most important aspect I would look for in a guy, is one of the most obvious aspects - his personality. My perfect guy would be sweet, caring, loving, and romantic, it's true, but I look a bit deeper than the standard "girly" answer. One of the most important personality traits I would look for is trustworthiness. If I was to give my heart to someone, I would have to know that I could trust them not to break it. Not only that, but I would also want to be able to trust him with my past, my deepest darkest secrets and fears, my hopes and my dreams.... My perfect guy would also be loyal, ambitious, expressive, passionate.... I could go on and on. But yet, at the same time, my perfect guy would posess something more than even these. He would be courageous, chivalrous, brave. My perfect man would not be a sissy. He would be a real man and fill the role God meant men to fill. By that, I do not mean he would trample all over me and be a tyrant. We would be equal partners, but he would care for me and love me and protect me like he was meant to, and he would also take the lead in the relationship like he was meant to.
There is another thing, now that I think of it, that I would also look for. My perfect guy would be interested in me. Lol. It seems funny to say, but it's true - a guy could be all the things I've listed above, but then not be interested in me.  I would want my guy to want to listen and know what I have to say, be interested in my life, my hopes, my dreams my fears. I would want him to be interested in what is going on in my life, simply because it is a part of me. Especially my writing and my music. Those are huge to me. My songs are each a little piece of who I am, who I've been, or who I want to be. I would want him to love my songs and be interested in them for just that reason.
That is pretty much the end of my little writing exercise. I actually got a whole lot deeper than I thought I would. A little bit of self discovery there. lol.
=) Well, chau!!

Daily Bread

I was praying and thinking the other night, when the "Lord's Prayer" popped into my head. I started goingt through it in my mind (because as any kid who has grown up in the church, I have it fully memorized) and wondering, what did Jesus mean by each phrase.

Now, I could write several pages picking apart each line and explaining my interperetation, but there is only one specific line that caught my attention. One specific line that was an answer to prayer.

"Give us this day our daily bread"

When Jesus said this, he meant "give us what we need for this day."

He did not say "Give us today what we need for tomorrow, or next week, or next year."

It's called "daily" bread for a reason.

Bread could truly stand for different things for different people, but the point is, it stands for whatever ity is that we need. To one person that could mean comfort and peace, to another, it could mean a job, to yet another, it could literally mean food, a meal, a place to sleep for the night.

No matter what it is that we need, God will provide it for us on a daily basis. We can't try and pressure him into giving it to us on a long term basis, because it doesn't work that way. Just like when God provided the Israelites with manna from heaven in the desert. He sent it every day, so they could eat and survive. Problem was, if they didn't trust him and tried to save the scraps, the scraps would turn sour. They had to trust God completely with their futures, because they had no way to secure it by themselves.

That is what I need to do. I need to trust God that he will provide for me each and every day, what I need for THAT day. Maybe he won't tell me what he is going to do in the long run for my life, but I don't need to know. I can let God be unpredictable and surprise me. I'm not going to try to confine God and dictate what he can or can't do in my life. I'm not going to stick him in a box anymore. He can surprise me with what he is doing with my life. That's the beauty of it. After all, what would life be without surprises? If you always knew what was going to happen life would be rather tedious and boring wouldn't it?

So here's to the start of my grand new adventure of letting go of control, and letting God surprise me. =)

Give me this day my daily bread, God, and let your will, not mine be done. =)

Complicated....

That is the description of my life right now.
Complicated.
Everything is so complex I could not even attempt to explain it all to anyone except for God. Even I don't know how complicated my life is right now, but he does, and I guess that's all that matters. I love that no matter what is going on, I can always go to him with anything, big or small, and he is never to busy to listen. He doesn't have a cell phone that he can leave somewhere, or forget to recharge, I don't have to send him an email and hope he gets online, he's just there. Always. No matter what.
Even if I have just messed up, and I know it, and I'm ashamed to talk to him, all I have to do is ask forgiveness, and he is right there with me.
God is good, truly, he is.
I don't know where my life would be without him.
Wait, scratch that, I do know, and it ain't pretty.

Anyway, as I was saying, my life is complicated.
I have several very delicate situations that I am trying to balance right now. One wrong move, and could all come crashing down.
That's a lot of stress.... I'm dealing with things okay so far, but it doesn't make for a very fun-happy time right now. I need to work more on giving my fears, worries, and stress to God. It's just so difficult when decisions I make affect the situations I am so worried about.
How am I supposed to not worry, but still make the right decisions??
The Sunday-School answer is "Trust God".
The thing is, I trust him, I just don't trust my interpretation of what he is telling me to do!
How do I know if it's truly from God?
How do I know if what I think he is saying, is actually what he means?
I feel like I'm trying to read a manual in German. (Wait a second, I know like, 3 words in German, so that would actually be easier! haha...)
I need confirmation. I need to know it, for sure.
Even when I think I'm sure, I always end up second-guessing myself later.
Help?

Mixed Emotions

My head is so fuzzy right now. So many things have happened since I last wrote. So many emotional rollercoaster loops. My heart and my head are so mixed up I can't tell which way is up anymore.

I keep talking to God, pouring my heart out to him, seeking him, and surrendering my everything to him.... But I'm not hearing any reply. Nothing. I feel like he is hearing me, yet choosing toignore my plea for guidance. I knowthis isn't the truth. I know he is listening, and he loves me, and he cares, but knowing and believing something, and feeling it, are two very different things.

I'm hurting right now. God has told me before that I am not supposed to date anyone again until after highschool. Logically, I can understand that this is the wise, mature, responsible thing to do. I know that, yet I crave so deeply for what comes with that sort of relationship. The deep connection with another human being, feeling loved and cared for, having someone to share my deepest emotions with, someone to love. But out of all these, especially just to know someone cares about me deeply, and for them to show it.

I have been trying to seek after God, for him to fill that whole, because that's how its supposed to work, isn't it? But it isn't working yet. My heart longs so deeply to feel His love, but all I feel is a lack of anything coming from Him. This makes it so much harder to resist the temptation of seeking attention elsewhere. Especially when there are so many sources readily available...

What am I to do?
God, I need you...

Ignored

Feeling so alone,  

Ignored and pushed aside,  

They don't ever see, 

The hurt I feel inside,  

They don't have the time,  

And they don't seem to care,  

Cause I'm always there for them, 

And they don't see it's not fair,  

But I'll push my needs aside, 

Again I'll keep it to myself,  

Put on a happy face, 

And leave my feelings on a shelf.