Dear God...

I'm dropping my guard,

My walls torn away,

I surrender my heart,

Will your presence stay?

Letting go of my fear,

I'm choosing to trust,

When I feel you near,

I know that I must,

Here in my heart,

I ask you to stay,

To never depart,

Throughout all my days.

Wow....

God has done some beyond-incredible things in my life this last week. I cannot even begin to describe it, and for those of you who know me well, I am not easily made speechless.
I had such a breakthrough at 212. (LifeBible's camp)

I have finally been able to completely reconnect with God the way I used to. Actually, not even the way I used to - infinitely more powerful.
I'm not going to try and describe it. I would only be wasting words that would never do my experience justice. Just know that I had the most powerful God-experience of my life.
I am forever altered, forever changed by the power of my Lord and Saviour.
This verse now truly applies to my life:
"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; behold, the old has gone, the new has come."

Praise to our Lord Jesus Christ forever and ever!
By his amazing grace and unending love I am forever altered beyond reversal!
I have fallen in love with my Lord and I never want it to end, and guess what? - It never will.
Praise be to the Lord and Saviour of my life. =D

God Bless!
Kimberly Nicole Smith,
Forever a servant and daughter of the Lord Jesus Christ.

To Let Go, and Let God

Well.... I did it.
I knew what God wanted me to do, and I followed through.
And I hate it.
It really sucks. I hurt someone else, and it's hurting me. I know I did the right thing, but isn't doing the right thing supposed to make you feel good? All I feel like is a pile of horse manure.
At least the most difficult part is over - taking the first step.
Even though I know I'm going to have to work through this pain, it's easier than torturing myself by putting things off, and dreading the pain.
I just let go of my selfish wants and let God have his way in my life.
It is what I have always striven to do, but often chickened out whenever he wanted me to do something hard. Not this time, though. This time was too important. And this time, despite the pain I followed through, taking my Saviour's hand and letting him lead me where He wanted me to go.
It hurts. It hurts a lot, and I hate it, but I know I did the right thing.
The thing that hurts the most though, is knowing how much I hurt someone else. I always want to help others, not hurt them! It kills me to know that I am the source of someone else's pain. I hate it! It goes against who I am to hurt other people. (Well, emotionally anyway, for those of you who know me well... ;) lol)
I'm just praying that God will help me to endure this, and help the other person who was hurt as well. Especially the other person....
I'll make it through this, I will. I just need to continue to let go of my selfish wants, and let God guide me.

Fear of the Unknown

I have a decision to make.

I think I know the right way, the way God wants me to go, but I keep second guessing myself.

I keep wondering, "Well what will people think if I do that?"

And, "I don't want to disappoint them."

But why do I care so much about what other people think?

If it is truly the right thing, truly what God wants me to do, then I shouldn't!

If they really care about make, their opinions wouldn't change, and they would trust that I'm only doing what God wants.

And if I am doing what God wants, even if it means hurting others in the process, I should be confident that even though I'm hurting them now, it's for the best, because God works all things together for good.

So why am I still struggling???

I am so frustrated with myself and my emotions that I want to scream and cry all at once.

This is one point in which I wish I could bring back that numbness, and be hard, just temporarily, so that I could go through with things without struggling.

I know what direction I need to take, but like a skittish horse I shy away because I don't want to get hurt, or hurt others. I don't buck or rear, because I don't desire my Master to get off my back, I simply shy away from doing what he wants.

I suppose my relationship with God really is a lot like the one between a horse and it's rider. God has saved me from the wild desert, brought me into his stables, and given me food and water. I gratefully submit to the bridle and sadlle, and even let him get on my back and ride, directing me where he wants to go.

Inside the corral, where I feel safe, I let him do whatever he wants, even daring to fly over the jumps, but the second we step outside of the corral, I get nervous. Staying on the trails, I still deal with, even if I get a bit uneasy, but it's when he asks me to step off the path I know that I shy away and stubbornly refuse to go on out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of those sharp blackberry bushes that infest either side of so many trails here in Oregon

An older, more experienced horse, who has known their master for a long time, recognizes his voice, and trusts his direction would step off the path without hesitation. This one, however, even knowing the master knows best, still fears the unknown. Especially right now, because some of the unknown, actually is known, and it isn't exactly a pretty picture.

I know God sees what is beyond what is in my line of sight. Sure, I have to pass through some tall thick bushes, and get hurt, as well as hurt others, but on the other side God knows if there is a green pasture, or a clean clear brook.

I just need to take a step of faith. Step off the path, and trust my Master.

I just pray I have the strength and faith......

To Give Him My Everything

In my earlier blog, (A Fork in the Road) I talked a lot about how we can go through life mechanically, just, as Matthew West's song says, "Going Through the Motions".

That song is my hearts cry today, as I find myself falling into that routine, as so many of us do on a daily basis. The chorus especially, strikes a chord in my heart:

"I don't wanna go through the motions,

I don't wanna go one more day,

without your all-consuming passion inside of me,

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything?",

Instead of going through the motions."



Though I sit here many days, playing this song over and over, trying to wake myself up from this daily mechanical stupor in which I now lie, I find it nearly impossible to do so, and then stay that way. Sure, perhaps I will be awake and aware of life for the rest of the day, but the next morning I am automatically back in my emotionless, thoughtless, robotic routine.

Why is it so hard to actually think about what is going on in our lives?

Perhaps we don't want to admit our downfalls, our weaknesses, the fact that we are human, so we train ourselves to not think, to not analyze, to not realize where our defects lie.

I realize that this would also be a reasonable explanation as to why evolutionists cling to their ridiculous theory. They don't want to think about the fact that there might be a higher being, because if there is that means that their faults actually mean something, that they are actually accountable. So instead they cling to a ridiculous theory that there was nothing, and then nothing exp0loded into everything, and little bits of everything evolved into conscious life forms that eventually became humans. Makes perfect sense right? Hah.

Personally I think it takes more faith to believe that than to believe that God exists. After all, in Darwin's theory of Natural Selection, he included a disclaimer, stating that the entire theory of evolution would be uprooted if the cell were to be found anything more than a blob of plasma. And guess what? Thanks to modern-day technology, we have been able to see the irreducibly complex workings inside each cell. And since each part has to be in place in order for the cell to function properly, Darwin's theory of natural selection as a part of evolution has been voided. (Not that that stops truly persistent evolutionists, but....)

Enough about my strong opinions about the theory of evolution though.
Going back to my original point. Why is it that we get so caught up in our daily lives that we forget to actually live?
We forget that life is so short. We forget that it can be gone before you can blink.
We forget, and then we regret.
Trust me, I know.
I may have been young when my mom died, but that doesn't stop me from wishing I had spent more time with her, fought with her less, and shown her how much I loved her, more.
I don't want to have more regrets like the ones I already have.
I resoilve to struggle through this apathy that binds my soul. I know that the battle will not be easily won, but with God by my side, my prize will be more than enough.
I desire for that deep passion in my heart and soul that can come from God alone, that can break through this apathy, and carry me through the most difficult of times.
Yet, I desire more than simply just to break free from apathy. I desire more than to stop "going through the motions, for that is only half the battle. I desire to throw my life at the feet of Jesus, to give him my everything, and to have him be my all. When I contemplate the monumentous sacrifice behind those words, my earthly flesh recoils, desiring the security and comfort that comes from living the way society idealizes. At the same time, while contemplating this, I also feel a deep-rooted yearning in my soul, to be completely abandoned to my Saviours love, and to his plan.
When I looked up the meaning of "abandon", one definition caught my eye:
to leave completely and finally; to give up the control of; to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation.
Did you notice the part "without restraint or moderation"?
The church today seems to only do things in moderation.
Why are we so afraid of stepping on a few toes, that we don't stand up for the truth and light that we believe in?
Why do we continually comprimise and pacify?
We don't need the approval of anyone on what we believe, and yet still we seek it!
This is my message to the church - If we are truly the body of Christ, then we need to quit worrying about what other people think, and find our passion again! I doubt Jesus ever once worried about whether he would anger the Pharisees or the government, and he angered them plenty of times!
We need to wake up and realize that we aren't doing any good keeping one foot in the boat.
We need to gather our courage, set our eyes on Jesus, and step out into the crashing waves - completely abandoned to him.

A Heart, A Passion, A Purpose.

Make in me a new heart, O God,

Renew the depths of my soul,

Gather me up in your loving arms,

And make my broken heart whole,

Create in me a passion, O Lord,

An ever-consuming fire,

To live with a constant vivacity,

My life, to lift your name higher,

Birth in me, a purpose, O Spirit,

That I might seek your way,

And dawn till dusk, though strength may fade,

I can toil on through each day.

A Fork in the Road

Many times in your life you come to a fork in the road. There are two ways you could go, right or left. Usually the choice is simple: right and wrong, but what if both of the choices are both right and wrong at the same time? If either way you go, something good, and something bad will happen, regardless of your choice? How do you know which path to pick?
The normal response would be: "Well, I'd just have to choose one."
Or, for believers, "I'd pray about it, and then choose whichever one God tells me to."
Me, I would have thought my answer would be the second, and I suppose it would have been before I talked to God about it. What I discovered, however, is that God doesn't always tell us to take either of the obvious paths that lay in front of us. He doesn't always show us a little out of the way trail he created either. Sometimes he asks us to plunge straight into the brush and the thorns, to create our own straight path, despite the pain involved in doing so.
My natural instinct is to shy away from the painful untouched wilderness, to stay on the beaten path, and to stay at the fork, not making a decision or moving forward out of fear that my decision will hurt someone else, as well as myself, as in the case I now face, I know it will.
Yet here I stand at the fork, one foot at the beginning of one path, and one foot at the front of the other, and here also is my Saviour, taking my hand and tugging me forward, toward the untamed thorns and brambles, telling me to go straight, that neither path is the way he wants for me, though I may walk them if I wish.
Enticements also lie on either path, begging me to go down them, so as to not hurt those I love, to make at least one person happy. Temptations to give into part of what my earthly flesh wants right now, to find fufillment emotionally by the things of this world, while still finding a bit of righteousness and jusification in the choices I make. The paths tell me that there is still a right way between the two of them.
I know if I choose to walk straight, I will be scarred by the emotional thorns in my way. I also know that though the way I choose is my choice to make, those thorns will fall on others as well. hurting and scarring those I love so dearly.
So now I sit here, my heart in anguish, every fiber of my being screaming against hurting those I love. Yet toward every direction I face lies pain of some sort, for both myself and those I love, and I cannot backtrack, for behind me the path is locked in the vault of the past.
I know I will sit here awhile longer, calming and strengthening my heart, and vainly hoping to soften the blow, but in the end, I know I will bravely stand up, take my Saviour's hand, and walk into the wilderness, trusting him with my every step.
Yet this makes me wonder. While I may have sought the Lord in such a decision as I now face, how many smller decisions do we make in our every day lives without thinking, that the Lord may want us to go off the beaten path? How many times do we pass by an oppurtunity to share God with other people, simply because we are too caught up in the monotonous routines of our lives, day in and day out, that we don't even think to stop and hear from the Lord?
What if, while getting our morning coffee as usual, God wanted you to buy an extra bagel and give it to the homeless man down the street, but you were so focused on getting in and getting out, that you didn't even hear God talking to you?
If we can become so caught up that we don't hear God putting things right in front of our faces, how will we ever be able to hear his simple whispers?
Life can become so mechanical, but we aren't machines, so why are we living like them?!
We all have the desire inside of us to become more intimate with our Creator, to hear and recognize his voice. Yet we have gotten to the point that many of us are so routinized, that the thought is pushed out of our minds, erased like "unneeded data".
Now that I am waking up, I realize that living like a robot is no life at all. I want to wake up each morning with a vivacity, and a new, raw sensitivity to life, and the voice of my amazing Creator. I don't ever want to fall back into the numb stupor of monotonous routines. I want to be able to breathe in and out, and truly feel alive!