Unknowns & Uncertainties

Oh how I abhor the unknowns and uncertainties of this life!
I am the kind of person who likes to watch adventurous-but-predictable movies, the kind where lots of exciting things happen, but you know for sure that in the end, the hero will get the girl, the bad guy will get what he deserves, and everyone will be happy in the end. (Except the bad guy of course)
Unfortunately, life isn't predictable like many movies. Bad things happen that aren't always fixable. The hero ends up beaten, the villain gets the girl, the building collapses and people die. Wrong decisions are made and there are lasting consequences with no easy solutions. It's permanent. Every choice we make is permanent.
I know that in an eternal sense, things will work out like a good movie in the end. God will win and Satan will lose, and we will ride off into the sunset with our Savior. But in a more earthly sense, life isn't like that all...
So this is where I am, wishing I could skip ahead a few chapters in my life and take a sneak-peek, see how decisions I make now will affect me later. What if I choose the wrong college? What if I end up with a different spouse than the one God originally intended for me? What if God wanted me to pursue something other college, but I never knew it? What if I misunderstand what God is telling me and do the wrong thing? What if I let an opportunity pass me by, and someone doesn't get saved because of me?
So many questions swirl around in my head.
I know in times like this, we are called to focus on God, to pour ourselves into our relationship with Him, to cling tighter to Him... But right now it feels like trying to grasp the wind as it flies by through my fingers... And trying to hear his voice is like trying to understand someone yelling in chinese from a continent away...
I know many people may think I have it all together, that I have a good, strong relationship with my God, but the truth is, I'm constantly struggling just like everyone else... I love my Savior. I try my best to have a good relationship with Him, and sometimes I feel His presence and see His touch in my life as real as can be, but other times He feels a universe away, His voice more elusive than a faint whisper in a raging storm.
Sometimes I just sit and wonder, "Where are you God?".... I know in my heart and soul that He is always right there with me, but that doesn't mean I feel it at all. I ask Him "Why don't you speak to me?"... Again, I know He is always speaking to me, but that doesn't mean I hear Him....
As these pivotal decisions are so eminent in my life at this time, this is now my question: "What do you want me to do God?"
I just pray I will hear Him when He whispers on the wind...

Reflections of A Lonely Heart

It's late Christmas Eve, and I am sitting up in the living room, watching Christmas specials, and surfing Facebook. All the Christmas specials I am watching have an element of romance in them. This has caused so many different trains of thought to go off in my head.
At first, my heart aches. My heart longs to share itself with another in an intimate way. I long to be romanced, sought, fought for, valued deeply by a godly man. I feel the pang of loneliness sharply. I want to have someone to cuddle with in the cold, hold hands with walking down the street, even someone to kiss under the mistletoe. This feeling often becomes more apparent at night, especially during the holidays. Of course it's not like I don't have options. These days it seems like quite the opposite. I have a line of potential suitors at my door, were I only to say the word. But... Something isn't right. All of the guys are amazing young men. Godly young men. There isn't a thing  I could honestly say against them for the most part. Yet something stops me from allowing any of them to pursue me. I have ended up gently stopping each of them, luckily saving the friendships. I don't understand it, but I just can't let them. I don't know whether it's out of fear of getting hurt, fear of hurting them, or some sort of warning God is giving me, but I keep waiting, though for what or whom I do not know.
Shortly after that train of thought, follows a much less corporeal track. I wonder at the amazing grace and mercy God has given me in my life. I am so blessed to have the amazing friends and family that I have.  I have so much to be thankful for...
God truly has shown me such amazing grace in my life... He saved me from a downward spiral and pulled me into His arms. He comforted me when I was hurting, and healed me from a wound so deep I thought it would never go away. God has sought after me in a way that I never could have dreamed up, yet it is still so easy to forget sometimes... I truly want to be in love with my God and Saviour with the passion I see in so many who are longer in the faith than I. I want to sacrifice it all and live completely to honor my God, but everyday life seems to pull my attention away so quickly...
I guess all I can say is I am so glad that I serve a loving and forgiving God who takes me just as I am. =)

Peace and Closure [Finally]

Your peace like a river,

Rushes over me,

Healing my broken heart,

By tender grace and mercy,

Such absence of torment in my soul,

Leaves me oddly feeling lost,

But slowly the void is filled with joy,

That my Savior paid the cost,

Finally my soul can be at rest,

Closure, though I still ache,

Helps me turn my gaze ahead,

At peace with my mistakes,

How faithful have you been, O Lord,

On this long exhausting road,

Though I often numbly strayed,

You always called me home.

Mend

Ignoring the past you tell yourself,
That the door is locked up tight,
But even a locked door has a key,
And a way to make things right,

The right path is never the easiest,
But its worth is so much more,
Because though God may close one way,
He opens up a better door,

Though life may never be the same,
A broken heart can mend,
And though distant scars will still remain,
Through God it can be whole again. <3

I'm Sorry... Please Forgive Me

     I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. It’s my fault, I know that now. All of it was my fault. I’m sorry. I don’t know if you have forgiven me in your heart, but I pray you have.
     I’ve realized now that the reason I have been in pain all this time is not because of you – it's because of me. I am self-inflicting this pain out of guilt. Guilt because of the pain I caused you. I feel so ridiculous as I realize this. I have already let go of you. I have already trusted you to God. I am at peace with that. What I am not at peace with, is myself. I haven’t forgiven myself for everything. I am blaming myself, beating myself up - because I feel like I stole my own dream. I stole my own happiness. This is my pain, not in an way caused by you. My heart has listened to the enemy’s lie that you were my only chance at happiness, at having a Godly relationship. God tells me something different though – he tells me he has an amazing plan for my life. That’s the message I need to start listening to. It isn’t letting go of you that is my problem – I’ve already done that – what I need to do is to work on forgiving myself.
     I know I will never forget you. You will remain in my thoughts and memories. There still may be a twinge of pain as well, that stays. I will miss you always. Yet I think the pain will not be so great as it has been. I know you are in God’s hands. He has an amazing plan for your life, just as he has one for mine. I trust Him in this.
     So today, I make it my goal to begin to forgive myself. For both the pain I have caused you, and the guilt I have inflicted upon myself. I hope you can forgive me too.
If you have read my blogs, which I honestly have no clue if you have, I also apologize for any guilt you may have felt as a result. It was never your fault. You did what you felt you needed to do. I understand this now. It was never you who caused this pain. I inflicted this pain upon myself. It was my own idiocy that caused this. I blamed you in my heart for a long time, but it was never you at all. For this, I pray you will forgive me. It was wrong of me to misplace the cause of my pain upon you, even if just in my heart.
     I hope one day we truly can be friends again, if it is God’s Will. Perhaps one day after we are both happily married to our respective spouses. I pray that one day we can bridge this gap that has been created. Until then, I pray God will bless and keep you. I will care for you always.
Love, 
Kimbaby

Some days.....

Some days I wish I had never met you...
Some days I wish that you had just been a camp friend, that you were just some guy that I knew but never really talked to... Someone I had never gotten close to.....
But wishing doesn't get me anywhere. I did meet you, I did get close to you... Close enough to give you my heart....
And now every single day I am learning to deal with the pain of loving someone who chooses not to love me back... I have to face the reality that you aren't going to come back riding in on a white horse and tell me it was all a mistake.... You aren't going to come to your senses and realize we could still make this work.. You aren't going to come back.... You aren't going to fight for me.... And it kills me inside...
I am truly trying to face this stark, blunt, painful reality, and it kills me every time, but my heart isn't letting go, though I try.
I have come to the realization that I can no more force myself to stop loving you, than I could force you to love me.....  I sometimes wonder if you ever really did love me at all, like you said you did. Maybe it was all just a lie, an illusion... Or maybe you are just really good at turning emotions on and off. If that is so, I envy you.
Part of my heart wants to scream, "He really did love you! He still does! He's just trying to ignore it!" But at this point, that cannot be true.... It has been too long... I waited, waited to see if you would come after me. My hopelessly romantic heart dreamed of you showing up out of the blue, proclaiming your love for me, saying that you could not live without me. My pathetic heart was convinced that by choosing to cut off contact, you would realize just how important I was to you.... I guess I really wasn't important at all, after all. So much for my silly delusions that I was a support to you, that I was important, that you needed me at all. I guess you didn't.
My comfort is in the fact that I am needed elsewhere. I have friends that I am very close to now, who rely on my support and friendship. I am deeply involved and needed at my church. My family is a constant source of comfort and support.
In this uncertain time, my heart aches for you more... but at the same time, I find myself needing you less and less... Yes, I still love you. Yes, my heart and soul still long for you.... But I don't rely on you at all anymore, not even on the memories... I have grown to rely more deeply on God, on my other close friendships, on my family.
Maybe one day I'll be able to stop longing for you. Maybe one day my heart will fully move on...
But this one thing I know - I will never be able to forget you.

No Closure

     I am so frustrated.... I sit here knowing that it's over, knowing there is nothing I can do, knowing that you have happily and easily moved on.... Yet I feel no sense of finality. I am still restless beyond measure...

     When my mom died, it wasn't like this. I grieved greatly, yes, and I didn't want to believe it, but I felt that sense of finality. I had closure, even though the pain remained. This may be a weird comparison - likening the death of my mother to losing you, but though the intensity of grief is different, the feeling of loss is the same. I grieve for what we could have had. I grieve for the loss of the best relationship, the best friendship, and the deepest trust I have ever had with another human being.

     In this, the pain remains, and begins anew every time a strong memory comes up. But yet that is all it is - pain. No sense of finality, no closure, no definite point of ending to look back on and say "there is where it ended." I think this is what bothers me the most. This is the thing that keeps me from being able to move on completely. There is no closure for this wound to my heart, and so it cannot heal...

     I wish I could just ask you one question. I wish you would just explain to me why. Why you gave up, why you rejected me, why you chose to close that door.... maybe then I could truly move on. If I just knew why.... But I can't ask... I won't... For 2 reasons. First, because I don't want to temporarily walk into your life again, demand an answer, an leave. You don't need that drama, and I don't want to cause you pain or disrupt your life again. I've done that enough already. Not to mention it would probably just tear me apart even more inside to see you again.. Second, because I'm afraid of what you would say... I don't want to know because I'm afraid it might break that last little bit of my heart that is still yours. This is a paradox of sorts, because I want to give up that last little piece that hopes you will come back... I want to, but I don't want to... My head knows there is no hope for it, yet my heart hopes still.

     I pray that one day God will give me the sense of finality... Ot I can't help but add, at the insistence of my heart, that maybe one day you will love me again... Maybe one day you will be willing to fight for me again... I don't know what God has planned, but at this moment in time, I simply want peace. I want to stop hurting, stop longing, stop having wonderful dreams that make me cry when I wake up and they aren't real, stop running myself crazy thinking about the what ifs and wondering how you are now....

     At this point I am questioning my own judgement. I said goodbye because I thought it would be easier to try and forget you ever existed than to endure the pain of trying to be "just friends". I thought we would both be better off.... But the pain only seems to intensify with every day that I try to forget. The memories only become more frequent; the dreams more bittersweet. With every passing day the temptation to call you, email you, facebook you... It grows. I deleted your number from my phone.. But I still have your email memorized, and it would be so easy just to find you on facebook... But I said goodbye... I am resolved to not interfere with your life again. Though I may be in pain, I'm sure you are better off without me. Better off without my drama, my emotional tendencies... This is the only thing that keeps me from contacting you - the belief that you are happier without me. I still pray for you often, that your relationship with God remains strong, and that you and you family would be well. This is the only thing that gives me any peace, any respite. I know you are safe in God's arms. I know He will watch over you. I entrust you to God.

     At this point, it is only me I am scared for. I know you have moved on, and I know God will keep you safe... But as for me... I don't know if I will ever be able to love again, truly, deeply, like I once loved you. I don't know if I will be able to trust again, fully, completely, like I once trusted you. It seems unfair to the man I end up with someday, because a part of my heart will always be lost, a part of my trust can never be claimed. I will never be able to be whole for him. I will never be able to give him everything. This really seems terribly unfair to the man God means for me.

     It's over. Move on... This is the mantra my head repeats to my heart... I just hope one day soon, my heart will believe it...

My Tender Savior

Looking, searching, longing,
For a love to call my own,
My sore and broken heart,
Is aching for a home,

And the one that I call Saviour,
Beckons me come near,
With gentle words and tender hands,
He calms my every fear,

Every time I stray too long,
My heartache begins anew,
And draws me back ever closer,
To the first love I ever knew,

Back to the place of my childhood,
When I would laugh and play,
When black was black, and white so white,
Never a shade of grey,

When never a doubt would enter my mind,
Of my Savior's love and grace,
And mercy did abound on the cross,
For I knew he took my place,

Such tender words of love,
My Savior speaks to me,
And such grace does he bestow,
Just to know that I am free.