I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. It’s my fault, I know that now. All of it was my fault. I’m sorry. I don’t know if you have forgiven me in your heart, but I pray you have.
I’ve realized now that the reason I have been in pain all this time is not because of you – it's because of me. I am self-inflicting this pain out of guilt. Guilt because of the pain I caused you. I feel so ridiculous as I realize this. I have already let go of you. I have already trusted you to God. I am at peace with that. What I am not at peace with, is myself. I haven’t forgiven myself for everything. I am blaming myself, beating myself up - because I feel like I stole my own dream. I stole my own happiness. This is my pain, not in an way caused by you. My heart has listened to the enemy’s lie that you were my only chance at happiness, at having a Godly relationship. God tells me something different though – he tells me he has an amazing plan for my life. That’s the message I need to start listening to. It isn’t letting go of you that is my problem – I’ve already done that – what I need to do is to work on forgiving myself.
I know I will never forget you. You will remain in my thoughts and memories. There still may be a twinge of pain as well, that stays. I will miss you always. Yet I think the pain will not be so great as it has been. I know you are in God’s hands. He has an amazing plan for your life, just as he has one for mine. I trust Him in this.
So today, I make it my goal to begin to forgive myself. For both the pain I have caused you, and the guilt I have inflicted upon myself. I hope you can forgive me too.
If you have read my blogs, which I honestly have no clue if you have, I also apologize for any guilt you may have felt as a result. It was never your fault. You did what you felt you needed to do. I understand this now. It was never you who caused this pain. I inflicted this pain upon myself. It was my own idiocy that caused this. I blamed you in my heart for a long time, but it was never you at all. For this, I pray you will forgive me. It was wrong of me to misplace the cause of my pain upon you, even if just in my heart.
I hope one day we truly can be friends again, if it is God’s Will. Perhaps one day after we are both happily married to our respective spouses. I pray that one day we can bridge this gap that has been created. Until then, I pray God will bless and keep you. I will care for you always.
Love,
Kimbaby
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