Some days.....

Some days I wish I had never met you...
Some days I wish that you had just been a camp friend, that you were just some guy that I knew but never really talked to... Someone I had never gotten close to.....
But wishing doesn't get me anywhere. I did meet you, I did get close to you... Close enough to give you my heart....
And now every single day I am learning to deal with the pain of loving someone who chooses not to love me back... I have to face the reality that you aren't going to come back riding in on a white horse and tell me it was all a mistake.... You aren't going to come to your senses and realize we could still make this work.. You aren't going to come back.... You aren't going to fight for me.... And it kills me inside...
I am truly trying to face this stark, blunt, painful reality, and it kills me every time, but my heart isn't letting go, though I try.
I have come to the realization that I can no more force myself to stop loving you, than I could force you to love me.....  I sometimes wonder if you ever really did love me at all, like you said you did. Maybe it was all just a lie, an illusion... Or maybe you are just really good at turning emotions on and off. If that is so, I envy you.
Part of my heart wants to scream, "He really did love you! He still does! He's just trying to ignore it!" But at this point, that cannot be true.... It has been too long... I waited, waited to see if you would come after me. My hopelessly romantic heart dreamed of you showing up out of the blue, proclaiming your love for me, saying that you could not live without me. My pathetic heart was convinced that by choosing to cut off contact, you would realize just how important I was to you.... I guess I really wasn't important at all, after all. So much for my silly delusions that I was a support to you, that I was important, that you needed me at all. I guess you didn't.
My comfort is in the fact that I am needed elsewhere. I have friends that I am very close to now, who rely on my support and friendship. I am deeply involved and needed at my church. My family is a constant source of comfort and support.
In this uncertain time, my heart aches for you more... but at the same time, I find myself needing you less and less... Yes, I still love you. Yes, my heart and soul still long for you.... But I don't rely on you at all anymore, not even on the memories... I have grown to rely more deeply on God, on my other close friendships, on my family.
Maybe one day I'll be able to stop longing for you. Maybe one day my heart will fully move on...
But this one thing I know - I will never be able to forget you.