Skepticism and Walls

I think I am turning into a skeptic when it comes to love...
It's not that I am skeptical that it exists - I know it does. I see it every day, and I am sincerely happy for those people truly lucky enough to have true love. The thing I am beginning to be skeptical about is that I might ever find anything that beautiful. I feel like true love is a one-time chance type of thing, and I blew the one chance I had. It would almost feel selfish to wish for another chance with someone else.
I know this isn't the case - God has an amazing plan for my life, and I know he has a beautiful love story planned out for me... My heart is just so lonely right now... And the lonelier my heart feels, the closer I guard it, afraid I will make a wrong decision based on emotions. I fear I will be my own undoing. I will guard my heart so close, no man will want to go to the trouble of climbing over all my walls, and breaking down my defenses... Because honestly, I'm afraid to love again. I'm afraid to hurt again. I'm afraid I will choose wrong and have my heart broken again, this time beyond repair.
I have allowed myself to entertain shallow thoughts about several young men in my acquaintance, but I have never let my vague wishes and sighs to ever get past the surface with a single one. I am such an outgoing and emotionally open person naturally, I cannot have walls up on the outside. It would go against the essence of who I am. But it also makes it even easier to hide the fact that I have some very core-solid walls up when you go just a tad deeper.
Inside right now, I feel like a lonely little girl who needs a hug but is too scared to ask anyone, for fear of getting rejected and hurt. The piece of my heart reserved for relationships of the romantic nature is scarred, tough, protected.. and surrounded by wall after emotional wall... The rest of my heart, too, is guarded, but not nearly so well as that piece... Yet people don't realize it at all.
I am type-casted, especially by family members, to be as I was in my early youth. Happy, cheerful, loving without holding back, overly outgoing, and heart-on-my-sleeve. Perhaps this is still true to a point, but in my core I am forever altered from the carefree child I once was. My mom's death changed me. Having my heart broken changed me. I am a much more quiet, serious, deep individual than I was then, at least on the inside...
I hope one day I will find a man who is willing to take the time to dig deeper and find that other side of me. A man who will climb my walls and pursue me... A man who will make me feel valuable and loved, the way God tells me I am. I just hope when I do, I will learn how to trust again, love again....

I Care Too Much.. But I Don't Care Enough.

You know what my problem is? I care too much.
I care about what people think, I care about what is going on around me, I care about looking nice [or about the fat that sometimes I don't] I care about making people happy, I care about what I do and do not have.... I just care too darn much!!!!
You know what my other problem is? I don't care enough.
I don't care enough about what God thinks, about what He is doing around me, about who He created me to become, about pleasing Him, and doing what He tells me to do.
Our society today has become one of misplaced priorities. Our culture focuses on the "ME" instead of God, or other people. Our lives are centered around selfishness, what WE want, what WE are doing, and what affects US. Even the notorious Facebook has a "ME" centered layout. We can update our statuses to let people know what WE are thinking or doing. We can share videos WE think are funny. And I must post this for fairness and honesty's sake... WE can post OUR blogs filled with OUR thoughts.
When we focus on the ME, we lose sight of God, and other people. We forget to pray or read our Bible, we don't truly ask how people are doing, we stop giving our cares to God. We begin to walk around in our own little self-absorbed world, consumed with the worries we have stopped giving to God, determined to have OUR voice heard, and we lose sight of what matters. We become the living dead, just like in a zombie movie, but without all the brain-eating.
I have discovered that the more I focus OUTWARDLY instead of dwelling inwardly, the better I feel and the less problems I have. I don't worry as much, I remember to care about the people around me, and I find myself thanking God for all the little things in life that bring me joy - things I do not notice when I am in a self-absorbed coma state.
So I challenge you, my readers, to take 5 whole minutes out of your day today - that's right a whole 1/288-th of your day, and reflect. Count your blessings, talk to God, take a walk out in God's wonderful creation, or just simply sit quietly with your eyes closed. But during this time, don't dwell on a single thing that has to do with you or anything that affects you in any way. Any time a stressful conversation at work, or your never ending to-do list come up in your mind, immediately dismiss the thought. Think about how wonderful and beautiful the complexity of God's creation is. Thank Him for all your blessings. Pray for a friend. As long as you direct your attention away from yourself and place it on God.
We need to stop caring so much, and start caring more.

Patience & Self-control : Hard is Good

 I have figured out the main lesson God is teaching me this year - patience and self-control. Why do I say this, you ask? For multiple reasons, let me assure you.
The number one thing that comes to mind? My school. I have to have an abundance of patience and self-control on several levels there in order to survive intact. I get so incredibly irritated and frustrated at the level of immaturity. This, of course, makes me an automatic target for all of their comments. They say things trying to either provoke me, or to pull me into their immaturity. It has taken an incredible amount of self-discipline in order to get to the point where I can reply gently, not out of irritation, and still maintain maturity. I must admit I am still no where near perfect on this, but I have gotten to the point where I can tolerate much more before getting truly irritated.

The second thing that comes to mind, is my heart. I long so very deeply for my future husband, whomever he may be. My heart aches with loneliness, pining after memories of the tender love it has known before. Don't misunderstand my meaning, I have moved on. My heart no longer desires the man I was once in love with, only the romance it has known before.
I feel so impatient to end this chapter in my life, to be done with high school, and to [hopefully] find the man God intends for me. I realize I should be savoring each moment, that I will miss it once its gone, [well.... maybe... I can't imagine missing this right now though.] but right now it just feels constricting, like I'm stuck in a small, tight place. I'm beginning to feel suffocated, like I can barely breathe.
This winter, as all Oregon winters, has been dreary beyond belief, and this year, it feels especially depressing. The sky itself feels like it's going to close in on me and swallow me whole. I feel like an optimist drowning in a sea of pessimism... For that matter, I am an optimist fighting depression. [how ironic]
God truly is the only thing keeping me afloat these days. He is my life raft in a sea of death, depression, pessimism, immaturity, impatience, and loneliness... I guess I still have a lot to learn... Life is hard, but hard is good. As much as I hate it, hard makes me stronger, builds character, and shapes who I will become. I guess that's why God gives us hard stuff in this life. [duh]
God, thank you for not letting me drown.

"Love is.."

What is love? Culture says that sex is love. Society says that it is the warm giddy feeling you get when you see someone. Our human nature says it is all about emotions. God's Word, however, has a different view. In the Bible, love is a choice. A choice to treat someone in a kind and selfless manner despite the situation or emotions involved.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13
"Though my achievements be many, if they are endeavored without love, they are nothing. Love is patient and kind, Love is never jealous or envious, Love is never boastful or proud, Love is never haughty, selfish, or rude, Love does not demand its own way, Love does not keep an accounting of errors, Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth, Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. As we live in Faith, Hope, and Love, these three, the greatest of these is love."

This verse has been on my heart lately, so I have decided to do an in-depth analysis, to see what love really means in each aspect.

"Though my achievements be many, if they are endeavored without love, they are nothing."

No matter what we do, no matter how many great deeds we do for the good of mankind, if we do it with any other attitude than one of love, it is useless. This doesn't mean just if we do it with a cold heart. This also means if we are doing it with a selfish motive - for our own gain or glory, out of pride or greed. It is meaningless unless we do it with a selfless attitude, and a motive of love. This doesn't just apply to great deeds though. This applies to every decision in our lives. if we make a single decision out of selfishness, then it is meaningless. It serves no purpose other than to feed our sinful nature.

"Love is patient and kind"

This means exactly what it says - Love is patient and kind. When we act towards our friends or family in an impatient or unkind manner, we are not loving them.

"Love is never jealous or envious"

In loving someone, we can not be jealous of them, keeping them all to ourselves, or envy them what they have. If we begrudge someone the blessings in their life, that is not loving them.

"Love is never boastful or proud"

The first thing to come to mind in this is gloating. When we get something that is good, or if we are right when someone else is wrong, if we love that person, we won't be boastful or proud about it. To rub something in another's face is not loving them.

"Love is never haughty, selfish, or rude"

This goes much along with not being boastful or proud, meaning we do not act "high and mighty" towards others, as well as simply acting kindly towards others, and not being rude.

"Love does not demand its own way, Love does not keep an accounting of errors"

Love means compromise - not always having your way. When you truly love someone, you put their wants and needs before your own, which leaves no room for selfishness. Beyond this as well, love means not keeping tabs of everything someone else does wrong. The easiest example of this is when you are fighting, you cannot bring up past offenses. Love means forgiving, and if something is forgiven it needs to stay that way, not constantly brought into the present.

"Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth"

The truth... The truth is not always easy. Scratch that, the truth is almost never easy. But it's the right thing. It's hard, especially when you have to tell it to someone you care about, but loving them means telling them the truth, no matter how painful. It also means encouraging them to tell the truth. 


"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. As we live in Faith, Hope, and Love, these three, the greatest of these is love."

Well we all know what that means - Love is sticking with it through thick and thin, no matter what. Without love everything is meaningless. LOVE = MEANING OF LIFE

Writing this has been an eye-opening and convicting experience. I always find it ironically amusing when I am convicted by my own words, but I love it in a weird way. It makes it easier to follow through and change when I myself was the one proclaiming the truth that I was convicted by. I don't know why. Perhaps it is fueled by my desire to not be seen as a hypocrite. However, just for truth's sake, I am among the worst of hypocrites. However I am not alone, and at least I admit it. I am a work in progress, and I make tons of mistakes. The important thing is that in being a work in progress, that I actually make progress. =]

A Reflection on the Healing Process

     I was reflecting today on my past, and all the things I've worked through. I have certainly had my share of pain in this life. I have recovered from some very abusive friendships in my childhood, my mothers death when I was barely thirteen, and a complicated end to my relationship with the first man I ever really truly trusted and loved.

     Now I don't claim to be any sort of expert in any way in the area of grief and healing, but I feel the urge to jot down some of my thoughts and the things I have learned in my own trials. Hopefully someone out there in cyber-world will benefit from my words. I pray that someone will.

     I have found that whenever I get hurt, my first instinct is to nurse my wound, dwelling on the pain and keeping it around me like a victimized shield. Whenever I would do this however, it did not help at all. It only made me bitter inside towards whatever caused the hurt. It was only when I opened up and let God touch my heart that the bitterness went away. 

     It is something I have found on a regular basis, that holds true with God's Word. Whenever I am self-focused, even with the misguided intent of "dealing with my issues", the issues only get worse or stay the same. They have never gotten better when I am self-focused. 

     I have found however, that in turning my focus outwardly, to God most of all, but also to caring for the hurting people around me, it is then when my heart truly heals. When I am doing God's Will and serving others in His name, he takes care of my heart for me. I can focus completely on serving others, because God is taking care of me. It is an amazing process that has never failed me, and my relationship with God grows even deeper every time I let Him take care of me, and focus on others.

     I'm not saying you should ignore your pain though. This is just as unhealthy as dwelling on it. When your heart is in pain though, you need to figure out why it's hurting, talk it out with God, and trust Him with your heart. You have to let go of the reason for your pain. This may mean forgiving someone, forgiving God, forgiving yourself, or even admitting guilt to something. You have to be completely honest with yourself.

     The most important thing after this though, truly is to be outwardly focused, making your life less about the "me" and more about God and others. Satan tries to keep us from that, however, so he will constantly bring up memories or reminders that can cause you pain. It is imperative that when he does, you immediately take those thoughts captive and give them to God. If you do not, you will simply be pulled back into your pit of pain. You have to constantly make a conscious decision to give it over to God.

     Now, I can't take credit for any of this. Many of the bits of wisdom in this little blog of mine is gleamed from multiple sources- mentors in my life, books I read, and my own personal experiences. I don't know much in this life really, but who does? I'm just putting my two cents out there.

On Chivalry, Refinement, and Feminine Mystique

     As of late, I have been much occupied with reading books and watching movies set in simpler, more noble times than we now reside in. Pride and Prejudice, and Emma, Jane Austen novels [and movies based thereupon] set in the genteel 1800's, and other nameless books set in early America, when gentlemanly and modest ladylike behavior was still socially expected. These eloquent tales have sparked such a bittersweetness in my heart and spirit. I long for a resurrection of the days when refinement, manners, and chivalry were all revered and expected; ladies who act like true ladies, and gentlemen who act with honor and respect.
     It truly makes my heart ache to know such honorable times have passed, especially when I think upon my getting married someday. Though there is a decent number of relatively honorable young Christian men, our society as a whole has lost all decency and sense of honor. Even a young man who professes to be a Christian, even one whom society regards as having a strong character, still has to live in our twisted society, and therefore bears the affects of it. Our society has become so increasingly casual, nothing is sacred anymore. Modesty is all but extinct, sex is treated as a pastime in contrast to the marital gift God intended it to be, and blatant crassness has replaced polished manners and reserve.
     How I long to be fought for as was done in the old days. To be courted, wooed, to have a man prove himself worthy of my regards and affection. To have him make every effort to endear himself to me, writing thoughtful letters, real, actual letters, full of his thoughts and desires, his affection for me. But yet for him to have a heart for God as my own, his faith consistently growing and deepening.
     But for me to expect, or even hope such of a man someday, I must be yet harsher upon myself. I am determined to cultivate myself, in all my tasks do my best, and to develop all my God-given talents. From now forward, I am set upon polishing my manner. I want to become a true lady in a society where it is unheard of. I want to conduct myself in a respectful, gracious, and compassionate manner, despite whose company I might be in. I want to recapture the feminine mystique that has been lost to the women of my generation.
     I know my hopes and dreams of such a love story, the chances of finding such a man whom will treat me as I have dreamed, are slim to none; near impossible. Yet nothing will dissuade my heart from hoping. Perhaps I will end an old maid, but I suppose I will be content with this, should God take away my deeply-rooted desire to be married and have a family someday. I only wish I could have my heart at rest now with being single. I know that my relationship with God should be more than enough, yet still I long...
     I don't know what God has in store for my life, but I am determined to employ myself better than I have in the past, and to hold myself to a much higher standard.

The Risk

Scars are just scars, they don't hurt anymore, 
But they make me scared to open a new door, 


I cannot imagine, to risk my heart,
If it broke again I would fall apart,


My head is screaming at the very thought,
To risk goes against all I have been taught,


My heart longs to be loved, so tenderly,
To be seen as I am, and loved just for me,


But to love is to risk, to get hurt once more,
How my instinct screams just to close the door,


My heart and my head in a constant fight,
Between the safety of surrender, and the risk of the right,


God please help me to trust again, 
So that one day I can let another in.

Life Doesn't Make Sense.

Lately I have been dwelling on my situation in life, and I have come to a shocking conclusion. Life just doesn't make sense!
Yeah, I know a lot of you out there are rolling your eyes, saying "Well, duh!" Of course life doesn't make sense. It never seems to make any sort of sense.
But see, what I realized is that the reason it never seems to make sense, is because we view it from the right now. We see it from a finite viewpoint. We can't see the whole picture of what's ahead, or how our lives affect others. That's why it doesn't make sense - because it only fits when you see the whole picture. Much like characters in a book, we only know a small part of the story. God, the author of our books, sees what is behind us, ahead of us, and how we affect others. He can see the whole picture, and he is turning our stories into one giant masterpiece.
So yeah, life doesn't make sense, but one day we'll be able to see the whole story, from an eternal, heavenly viewpoint. In the meantime, I"m going to be content that life doesn't make sense, because really, that's the only way it does make sense.

Use Me Still

My heart is longing for Your touch,

My soul trembles at the thought,

That the Maker of the universe,

Loves me dearly, whom He wrought,

I wait in anguish, longing still,

But You're just so far away,

Perfection so beyond my grasp,

All I can do is pray,

Forgive me, Father, Holy God,

Defiled sinner that I am,

Cleanse my lips, heal my heart,

Break these chains that bind my hands,

Lord, I know I'm so unworthy,

But if You can use me still,

Then may these hands and feet serve You,

And do only as You will.

Words.

Biting words and quick remarks,
Haughty airs and poison darts,
Such blatant, plain hypocrisy,
Seems far out of place to me,
If we claim to follow Christ,
Should we not show it through our life?
Words can hurt and words can heal,
Their effect is evident and real,
So why do we so often discount their worth,
Write them off in idle, teasing mirth,
Words fall from lips as sharpened spears,
Carelessly cause the shedding of tears,
Words can bring life, or they can bring death,
Every single word spoken, with every breath,
Words of love, or words of hate,
Once spoken, it is already too late,
You cannot unsay what has been said,
Nor unread a word, of what has been read,
So choose wisely ever word that you say,
Or you might come to regret those words someday.

Poetry. =)

Through all the miles and years,
I still have you,
Through all the trials and tears,
It remains true,

A brother, a comfort, a friend,
You're by my side,
A friendship without end,
Though tested and tried,

A bond formed strong and true,
Through fire and ice,
My heart stands proud to call you,
My dearly loved brother in Christ.

-----

Save me,
My heart is crying out,
Rescue me,
From all my fear and doubt,
Heal me,
From this aching pain,
Make me,
Complete and whole again,
Forgive me,
From all my sin and shame,
I'm yours,
And I'll never be the same. <3

------

Only but aimless wanderers men be,
Without mark or purpose,
Lacking want or desire to see,
What lurks beyond the surface,
Searching out corporeal distraction,
To avoid being still or alone,
Fearing a moment to long to reflect,
That our own actions we will not condone.