I think I am turning into a skeptic when it comes to love...
It's not that I am skeptical that it exists - I know it does. I see it every day, and I am sincerely happy for those people truly lucky enough to have true love. The thing I am beginning to be skeptical about is that I might ever find anything that beautiful. I feel like true love is a one-time chance type of thing, and I blew the one chance I had. It would almost feel selfish to wish for another chance with someone else.
I know this isn't the case - God has an amazing plan for my life, and I know he has a beautiful love story planned out for me... My heart is just so lonely right now... And the lonelier my heart feels, the closer I guard it, afraid I will make a wrong decision based on emotions. I fear I will be my own undoing. I will guard my heart so close, no man will want to go to the trouble of climbing over all my walls, and breaking down my defenses... Because honestly, I'm afraid to love again. I'm afraid to hurt again. I'm afraid I will choose wrong and have my heart broken again, this time beyond repair.
I have allowed myself to entertain shallow thoughts about several young men in my acquaintance, but I have never let my vague wishes and sighs to ever get past the surface with a single one. I am such an outgoing and emotionally open person naturally, I cannot have walls up on the outside. It would go against the essence of who I am. But it also makes it even easier to hide the fact that I have some very core-solid walls up when you go just a tad deeper.
Inside right now, I feel like a lonely little girl who needs a hug but is too scared to ask anyone, for fear of getting rejected and hurt. The piece of my heart reserved for relationships of the romantic nature is scarred, tough, protected.. and surrounded by wall after emotional wall... The rest of my heart, too, is guarded, but not nearly so well as that piece... Yet people don't realize it at all.
I am type-casted, especially by family members, to be as I was in my early youth. Happy, cheerful, loving without holding back, overly outgoing, and heart-on-my-sleeve. Perhaps this is still true to a point, but in my core I am forever altered from the carefree child I once was. My mom's death changed me. Having my heart broken changed me. I am a much more quiet, serious, deep individual than I was then, at least on the inside...
I hope one day I will find a man who is willing to take the time to dig deeper and find that other side of me. A man who will climb my walls and pursue me... A man who will make me feel valuable and loved, the way God tells me I am. I just hope when I do, I will learn how to trust again, love again....
Ahh, Kimberly. ((hugs)) Thanks for sharing. Your honesty is helping you grow in big ways.
ReplyDeleteThere is no way to love another person without getting hurt. Be it a spouse, future spouse, parent, sibling, baby, child, etc. To love is to experience pain. There is no perfect "happily ever after" in any relationship. Because we are all sinners, we all hurt each other and we have to work through the sin.
God proves this Himself by choosing to make us His children even though we hurt Him by our sin. However, in love there is the potential for great forgiveness. We hurt each other, we seek God for his wisdom and grace, we go to work it out, and it's always a lot of work. But there is often sweet reconciliation with a person. There is ALWAYS a deeper understanding of God's nature. Real life relationships are here to teach us to depend on God, and to help us understand Him and His glory. They do much more than just bring us joy. To take on love means to take on pain. But to ignore pain is to ignore love as well.
When you choose a mate, you are choosing a lifetime of joy and pain. Deeper joy than you can imagine, and blessings abundant. But even if you marry the most godly and wonderful person, you will still be hurt deeper than you can imagine because they will be a sinner. There are fewer harder things in life than getting along with another person because it requires more love than we have, it requires a deep dependence on God for strength to keep loving in spite of another person's nastiness. Every relationship we have as Christians exhibits this, but a marriage relationship takes it much deeper and 'till death do us part'.
Keep this in mind with pain. It grows us. As Christians, we go through trials with God and we come out the other side trusting in our God, for we have seen Him to be bigger than we initially through we would. Without pain there is no personal growth. Without God, pain is wasted. With Christ, pain deepens our joy in Him.
Life is a big growing process, and God makes sure we are getting plenty of experience in knowing who He is. Remember, when you are going through pain and hurt, that God is calling you to keep seeking Him and understand more about Him. Don't waste the pain you are given, you will waste your life in the process. The people who have the deepest joy and peace are the people who have been through excruciating pain with an incredible God.
Oh, and I forgot to mention, thanks for helping me think deeper and learn more too!
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