I've realized in the end that you are just so confused. You never really knew what you wanted. Maybe you truly loved me and maybe you didn't, but I know I truly and sincerely loved you. I still do.
You were too stubborn to admit you didn't know your own feelings, so you just shoved them aside and ignored them, and made the decision that would make them easiest to ignore. You gave up. To be quite bluntly honest, you followed Adam in his sin - the sin of silence, complacency. You didn't fight to find out what was truly right, or even just make the effort to figure out your feelings. You ignored everything because it was just too hard. And left me to deal with the consequences.
You were and still are the only guy I have ever felt that certain connection with, the kind felt deep in the soul, where you just know. I honestly believe that had we both made different decisions, we would have been the people God had meant for each other. I know it in the deepest part of my heart. I also believe we still could have been, but you chose to close the door. You chose. Not me. I was still willing to try, still willing to give it another chance.
Part of my heart still clings to that last pitiful fraying thread of hope that you will wake up and realize how much I really loved you. Part of me still wishes you would ride in on your white horse proclaiming your love, and be willing to fight for me - fight to regain my trust and my love, to show me I'm worth it to you to fight for. The rest of me knows that the chances of that happening are slim to none at best, and it would take a miracle of God for that to happen.
I am valuable - I am a treasure because I am a child of God. I am his daughter, forgiven and free. I find my worth in God alone, not in what others think of me, what you think of me. This doesn't mean it doesn't break my heart that you slammed the door in my face. But it does mean that my worth is not defined by you.
Maybe one day you will wake up and realize how much I loved you, how good things could have been... But then again, maybe one day it will be too late. You may wake up and realize it someday, but someday I will wake up next to someone who already knew.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Heartache
How much longer will my heart grieve,
For the love I had but lost?
This hollow ache that does not leave,
I've paid so high a cost,
How my heart holds tight to faintest hope,
That we could be once more,
Fraying like a threadbare rope,
Straining to the core,
My head is screaming at my heart,
That it's best to just let go,
And though it slowly breaks apart,
My heart keeps saying no.
-----
My heart breaks,
My soul aches,
I would not feign,
Such constant pain,
My soul deeply longs,
But sad are the songs,
Bittersweet are the tunes,
Of a heart left in ruins,
Though hope so threadbare,
Ever weak, is still there,
And cuts me to the core,
Caught in a slamming door,
Emotions drowning in ambivalence,
Such contradiction makes no sense.
Drowning in a sea of tears,
Filled with memories, miles, and years,
Seasons come and seasons gone,
Changes rise at dusk and dawn,
Whispers linger from the past,
Some will fade, but others last,
Spectral glimpses of hopes and dreams,
'What ifs' and regretful 'could have beens'.
For the love I had but lost?
This hollow ache that does not leave,
I've paid so high a cost,
How my heart holds tight to faintest hope,
That we could be once more,
Fraying like a threadbare rope,
Straining to the core,
My head is screaming at my heart,
That it's best to just let go,
And though it slowly breaks apart,
My heart keeps saying no.
-----
My heart breaks,
My soul aches,
I would not feign,
Such constant pain,
My soul deeply longs,
But sad are the songs,
Bittersweet are the tunes,
Of a heart left in ruins,
Though hope so threadbare,
Ever weak, is still there,
And cuts me to the core,
Caught in a slamming door,
Emotions drowning in ambivalence,
Such contradiction makes no sense.
Drowning in a sea of tears,
Filled with memories, miles, and years,
Seasons come and seasons gone,
Changes rise at dusk and dawn,
Whispers linger from the past,
Some will fade, but others last,
Spectral glimpses of hopes and dreams,
'What ifs' and regretful 'could have beens'.
Monday, November 29, 2010
A Lifetime to Forget
You're just running, running away,
From the truth you can't deny,
It's in your heart, it's in your head,
But you tell yourself it's a lie,
You say God doesn't close a door,
And then reopen it again,
But how can you say that with your new life,
Once broken in your sin?
Trying to move on you say,
That the door is locked up tight,
But even a locked door has a key,
And a way to make things right,
The pain, the ache, it's all too much,
Down to my very soul,
I feel the sorrow, aching, breaking,
A hollow empty hole,
I cannot deny my heart,
This longing, though I've tried,
I cannot ignore, cannot refute,
Keep bottled up inside,
You may never again think of me,
And that may be the truth,
But I'll spend a lifetime trying so hard,
To forget every detail about you.
From the truth you can't deny,
It's in your heart, it's in your head,
But you tell yourself it's a lie,
You say God doesn't close a door,
And then reopen it again,
But how can you say that with your new life,
Once broken in your sin?
Trying to move on you say,
That the door is locked up tight,
But even a locked door has a key,
And a way to make things right,
The pain, the ache, it's all too much,
Down to my very soul,
I feel the sorrow, aching, breaking,
A hollow empty hole,
I cannot deny my heart,
This longing, though I've tried,
I cannot ignore, cannot refute,
Keep bottled up inside,
You may never again think of me,
And that may be the truth,
But I'll spend a lifetime trying so hard,
To forget every detail about you.
On This Sleepless Night
In a couple of hours, it will have been exactly 5 years since my mom passed away from this earth and went to be with Jesus in heaven. On this sleepless night I reflect on how much has changed in those 5 long years. My life has gone down to the depths of despair, flown up to the heights of happiness, and hovered in every space between in those 5 years. I have truly known loss, but I have also truly known love - God's love, as well as the love of other human beings. I have turned down the wrong path and been brought back onto the right way by God's love, tender mercy, and unrelenting grace. I have experienced every emotion known to man it seems. And yet I am only 18. How can so short a time hold so much?
In a time of reflection such as this, there are always the useless "what ifs" we human beings so often run ourselves mad dwelling upon. What if my mom had never died, never gotten cancer? Would I be anything like the person I am today? Would she be proud of me? How would my life be different?
And then there are also the regrets... Why did I never take the time to sit down with her and ask about all the things I can now never know? I will never hear the stories of how she was when she was my age, at least not from her perspective, nor hear her sage advice in all the things every teenage girl goes through - love, heartbreak, stress, pimples, drama, college applications, hormones..
Such a loss is felt keenly by my tender, grieving heart, on this anniversary of my great loss. This night 5 years ago, I lost the woman who was the at the time, the center of my existence, the rock that kept me solid, the comfort when I was sad... I lost my mommy, so dear to my heart. This night, 5 years ago, my little girls heart was shattered, and it has never been the same since. Partially repaired at times, re-broken at times, and healed again by God's love, but it has never been nor ill it ever be the same innocent little girls heart that it once was. I can never regain the innocence of a heart that has never known true grief, true loss, true heartbreak. That imprint will remain on my heart forever until the day I see my Jesus face to face and am once again reunited with my loved ones in heaven. This is the hope I hold on to. God is my strength, my hope, my refuge. In Him alone I place my trust as my heart stops this night to once again grieve the absence of my mom whom I still love and miss so very much...
A single tear formed in my eye,
And fell upon my cheek,
My heart in grief let out a sigh,
In sorrow, frail and weak,
As that small tear wandered down,
And made its salty trail,
You couldn't hear the silent sound,
Of my hearts grief-stricken wail,
No, I keep my sorrow inside,
To spare you from my grief,
Only in God do I confide,
And there I find relief,
His loving hands do guide me,
And in his arms I'm safe,
He's standing right beside me,
He's with me all the way.
In a time of reflection such as this, there are always the useless "what ifs" we human beings so often run ourselves mad dwelling upon. What if my mom had never died, never gotten cancer? Would I be anything like the person I am today? Would she be proud of me? How would my life be different?
And then there are also the regrets... Why did I never take the time to sit down with her and ask about all the things I can now never know? I will never hear the stories of how she was when she was my age, at least not from her perspective, nor hear her sage advice in all the things every teenage girl goes through - love, heartbreak, stress, pimples, drama, college applications, hormones..
Such a loss is felt keenly by my tender, grieving heart, on this anniversary of my great loss. This night 5 years ago, I lost the woman who was the at the time, the center of my existence, the rock that kept me solid, the comfort when I was sad... I lost my mommy, so dear to my heart. This night, 5 years ago, my little girls heart was shattered, and it has never been the same since. Partially repaired at times, re-broken at times, and healed again by God's love, but it has never been nor ill it ever be the same innocent little girls heart that it once was. I can never regain the innocence of a heart that has never known true grief, true loss, true heartbreak. That imprint will remain on my heart forever until the day I see my Jesus face to face and am once again reunited with my loved ones in heaven. This is the hope I hold on to. God is my strength, my hope, my refuge. In Him alone I place my trust as my heart stops this night to once again grieve the absence of my mom whom I still love and miss so very much...
A single tear formed in my eye,
And fell upon my cheek,
My heart in grief let out a sigh,
In sorrow, frail and weak,
As that small tear wandered down,
And made its salty trail,
You couldn't hear the silent sound,
Of my hearts grief-stricken wail,
No, I keep my sorrow inside,
To spare you from my grief,
Only in God do I confide,
And there I find relief,
His loving hands do guide me,
And in his arms I'm safe,
He's standing right beside me,
He's with me all the way.
Friday, November 26, 2010
What Was, And Who I Truly Am.
His eyes.....
The eyes, such a perfect piercing blue.....
The eyes that used to fill with such emotion - compassion, sorrow, love......
The eyes I wanted to stare into forever....
His arms....
The strong arms, the warm arms.....
The ones that wrapped around me so perfectly......
The ones I wanted to be held in forever.....
His voice.....
The laughing voice, the happy voice....
The serious voice, the pain filled voice.....
The soft voice, the loving voice....
The one I wanted to forever whisper in my ear.....
His hands....
The strong hands, the firm hands.....
The soft hands, the supportive hands....
The hands I wanted to catch me when I fall.......
The wait....
The wait so long and painful that I endured...
The wait until I could be with him again for real....
The wait that tested my strength, patience, endurance...
The wait that ended in heartbreak and disappointment.....
The words....
The words that he spoke so unfeeling....
The words that crushed my heart....
The words that closed the door....
The words my heart even still tries to deny....
Our God.....
The one I trust....
The one I love.......
The one I'm giving my everything for....
The one I will follow till the ends of the earth, no matter the cost....
The one who will heal this breaking heart....
The one who tells me I am worth fighting for...
The one who gives me my true worth, despite what others say...
My God, my Jesus, my King, my Lord, my Savior, my Lover, my Hero....
My Jesus. <3
The eyes, such a perfect piercing blue.....
The eyes that used to fill with such emotion - compassion, sorrow, love......
The eyes I wanted to stare into forever....
His arms....
The strong arms, the warm arms.....
The ones that wrapped around me so perfectly......
The ones I wanted to be held in forever.....
His voice.....
The laughing voice, the happy voice....
The serious voice, the pain filled voice.....
The soft voice, the loving voice....
The one I wanted to forever whisper in my ear.....
His hands....
The strong hands, the firm hands.....
The soft hands, the supportive hands....
The hands I wanted to catch me when I fall.......
The wait....
The wait so long and painful that I endured...
The wait until I could be with him again for real....
The wait that tested my strength, patience, endurance...
The wait that ended in heartbreak and disappointment.....
The words....
The words that he spoke so unfeeling....
The words that crushed my heart....
The words that closed the door....
The words my heart even still tries to deny....
Our God.....
The one I trust....
The one I love.......
The one I'm giving my everything for....
The one I will follow till the ends of the earth, no matter the cost....
The one who will heal this breaking heart....
The one who tells me I am worth fighting for...
The one who gives me my true worth, despite what others say...
My God, my Jesus, my King, my Lord, my Savior, my Lover, my Hero....
My Jesus. <3
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
5 Years
This month it will have been 5 years since my Mom passed away because of cancer. I still miss her so very much... I wish she could see what I have become. I wish I could hear her say how proud she is of me, and encourage me when I get discouraged. I wish I could ask her the millions of questions I will never know the answers to. I wish I could hug her just one more time....
These are such useless wishes. I know I will see her again someday in heaven, but my heart hurts so badly right now. It may have been 5 years, but tonight the pain is just as fresh as it was the very day she died. My heart is breaking with the pain of knowing she is not going to be there when I get home tonight. Knowing I can't ask her stories about when she was my age, or ask advice when I am stressed. I am blessed to have many other people in my life to fill my needs, but it just isn't the same and I feel it in my heart. My child's heart is crying for my mommy, wondering why she is not there, why I can't run to her and have her tell me everything is gonna be all right. The future looks so scary from where I stand... I know I need to rely on God, and I am trying to, but my heart aches for the physical and verbal reassurance it needs... I feel the ache of a piece of my life that is missing, that can never be replaced...
Every time I thought of you,
And all the times I've cried,
If my love could have saved you,
You never would have died,
If only I could see you now,
And have you hold me tight,
Maybe I could make it through,
Without a tear tonight,
Another year without you here,
Your voice, your laugh, your smile,
I still think of you so very dear,
And miss you more with every mile.
I love you Mom.
These are such useless wishes. I know I will see her again someday in heaven, but my heart hurts so badly right now. It may have been 5 years, but tonight the pain is just as fresh as it was the very day she died. My heart is breaking with the pain of knowing she is not going to be there when I get home tonight. Knowing I can't ask her stories about when she was my age, or ask advice when I am stressed. I am blessed to have many other people in my life to fill my needs, but it just isn't the same and I feel it in my heart. My child's heart is crying for my mommy, wondering why she is not there, why I can't run to her and have her tell me everything is gonna be all right. The future looks so scary from where I stand... I know I need to rely on God, and I am trying to, but my heart aches for the physical and verbal reassurance it needs... I feel the ache of a piece of my life that is missing, that can never be replaced...
Every time I thought of you,
And all the times I've cried,
If my love could have saved you,
You never would have died,
If only I could see you now,
And have you hold me tight,
Maybe I could make it through,
Without a tear tonight,
Another year without you here,
Your voice, your laugh, your smile,
I still think of you so very dear,
And miss you more with every mile.
I love you Mom.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Better late than never.
I forgot to post this back when it actually happened, but I want to make sure I save the link so I'm posting it now. I was on the news back in October. =) video below.
24 Hours of Compassion
I had the privilege of participating with my youth group in an event we call "24 Hours of Compassion"
We went out into the community with a bunch of other youth groups form all around Oregon, and served others. It was an amazing and rewarding experience. Video below.
24 Hours of compassion from West Salem Foursquare on Vimeo.
We went out into the community with a bunch of other youth groups form all around Oregon, and served others. It was an amazing and rewarding experience. Video below.
24 Hours of compassion from West Salem Foursquare on Vimeo.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Waiting... For What?
I feel so run-down lately. So many expectations are being put upon me now that I am 18 and a senior in high school. There are the normal ones I've been used to for years - get good grades, keep my room clean, do my chores - but now there are a lot more, ones I'm not truly prepared for. Like, choosing a college, applying, applying for scholarships, worrying about how to pay for college, figuring out what I want to major in, taxes, social security, budgeting my own money, scheduling my own dentist appointments!?! I don't feel at all ready to take on these large responsibilities, yet I am having them thrust upon me, while still having to deal with the normal stress and drama of being a teenager in high school.
I feel so lost in this chaos... What do I do?
I am left with one answer - Draw closer to God.
So this is what I try to do. As life gets crazier I desire to draw myself ever closer to my Savior. He is the only one who can sustain me through the storms of life. I don't know what I would do without Him.
Within that desire, I feel a sense of waiting, of anticipation. I feel something coming. I know God has something significant in store for me, soon. I don't know what, how, or when, but I know there is something.
Beyond this, I have a desire in my heart. I long to be united with the man God has planned to be my husband someday, the man God has chosen to be my life partner. Yet I have a sense that that this is not yet to be. God is telling me to wait. This makes my heart ache, but if God can better use me right now as I am, then who am I to argue? So I will wait on God's timing.
God is so faithful, and I am so... not.
I fall away from Him so easily, despite my deep desire to draw close to Him. It's just too easy to fall into the mind-numbing daily routine, and forget to spend time with Him or read the Bible. So easy to forget such an important thing.
I pray that God revives in me an even deeper, greater desire to truly know Him and spend time with him every day.
Touch my lips, that they would speak Your truth,
My ears, to hear Your voice,
My feet, that they would dance for You,
My spirit to rejoice,
I feel so lost in this chaos... What do I do?
I am left with one answer - Draw closer to God.
So this is what I try to do. As life gets crazier I desire to draw myself ever closer to my Savior. He is the only one who can sustain me through the storms of life. I don't know what I would do without Him.
Within that desire, I feel a sense of waiting, of anticipation. I feel something coming. I know God has something significant in store for me, soon. I don't know what, how, or when, but I know there is something.
Beyond this, I have a desire in my heart. I long to be united with the man God has planned to be my husband someday, the man God has chosen to be my life partner. Yet I have a sense that that this is not yet to be. God is telling me to wait. This makes my heart ache, but if God can better use me right now as I am, then who am I to argue? So I will wait on God's timing.
God is so faithful, and I am so... not.
I fall away from Him so easily, despite my deep desire to draw close to Him. It's just too easy to fall into the mind-numbing daily routine, and forget to spend time with Him or read the Bible. So easy to forget such an important thing.
I pray that God revives in me an even deeper, greater desire to truly know Him and spend time with him every day.
Touch my lips, that they would speak Your truth,
My ears, to hear Your voice,
My feet, that they would dance for You,
My spirit to rejoice,
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The "What If"s of Life
I wonder... I ponder.... I think.... I dream...
"What if?" Two words that each alone are as harmless as words can be, but put together they have the power to haunt you for a lifetime.
This applies to so many areas of my life. Those that were in my control, as well as those beyond even the most naive illusion of control.
What if....
What if my mom had never gotten cancer? never died?
What if I had never come back to God?
What if I had never met certain friends?
What if I had never dated?
What if I had never broken up with anyone?
What if I had never gone to Life Bible?
What if I had never gone to Harris Private?
What if I had never met anyone from the VCC youth group?
What if.... What if.....
Though I know no specific answers, to some of these questions I am grateful they are only "what if"'s because the alternative would have been so much worse.
For others of these, some that I keep only in my mind, I wonder what the alternative might have been... better? worse? just the same?
What if.... What if God had more for me at the time when I made this or that decision, and I missed out?
What if God has more for me now, and I am simply too blind to see it?
What if I am missing out on a grand adventure that is right in front of my nose?
I am such a truly passionate person at heart. I dream of a life of grand adventures, taking risks and putting it all on the line for my faith and the ones I love. I long to be consumed with the passions of my heart and soul, like a burning fire that will not be quenched. I long to take great leaps of faith and do amazing miraculous things in the name of the Lord.
The problem is, that's where it ends: I dream. I long. But I do not do.
It has been drilled into me my entire life - through society, family, school, and even my own flesh - Be safe. Be secure. Be reasonable. Don't take risks. Don't let yourself get hurt. Don't care too much. Don't dream of adventures. Be content with boring but safe.
And as much as I hate it, having it drilled into me my entire life has impeded me from doing anything but!
It's so wrong, so frustrating!!!!
I know I was made for so much more than a mediocre life with a nine-to-five job and a white picket fence, but that's where I'm headed because that's where I feel safe!
Why can't I break free of this need to feel secure? I know I should be relying on God for security, not my own abilities or corporeal provision.. Yet my fleshly instincts impede my ability to do so.
Oh how I curse corporeal desires,
My flesh that wants to stay safe,
In the end it will not last through the fires,
But it clings to my soul like fetters that chafe,
How can I break these chains on my soul,
These bindings that hinder my dreams,
Keeping me from reaching for a higher goal,
I've fallen captive to each one of its schemes,
Lord let me break down this wall,
Be my strength, for I am weak,
Lord, I cry - Hear my call,
My situation's getting bleak,
I will wait upon the Word of the Lord,
I will wait to hear His voice,
For His Word is both my shield and sword,
And in it, I will rejoice.
"What if?" Two words that each alone are as harmless as words can be, but put together they have the power to haunt you for a lifetime.
This applies to so many areas of my life. Those that were in my control, as well as those beyond even the most naive illusion of control.
What if....
What if my mom had never gotten cancer? never died?
What if I had never come back to God?
What if I had never met certain friends?
What if I had never dated?
What if I had never broken up with anyone?
What if I had never gone to Life Bible?
What if I had never gone to Harris Private?
What if I had never met anyone from the VCC youth group?
What if.... What if.....
Though I know no specific answers, to some of these questions I am grateful they are only "what if"'s because the alternative would have been so much worse.
For others of these, some that I keep only in my mind, I wonder what the alternative might have been... better? worse? just the same?
What if.... What if God had more for me at the time when I made this or that decision, and I missed out?
What if God has more for me now, and I am simply too blind to see it?
What if I am missing out on a grand adventure that is right in front of my nose?
I am such a truly passionate person at heart. I dream of a life of grand adventures, taking risks and putting it all on the line for my faith and the ones I love. I long to be consumed with the passions of my heart and soul, like a burning fire that will not be quenched. I long to take great leaps of faith and do amazing miraculous things in the name of the Lord.
The problem is, that's where it ends: I dream. I long. But I do not do.
It has been drilled into me my entire life - through society, family, school, and even my own flesh - Be safe. Be secure. Be reasonable. Don't take risks. Don't let yourself get hurt. Don't care too much. Don't dream of adventures. Be content with boring but safe.
And as much as I hate it, having it drilled into me my entire life has impeded me from doing anything but!
It's so wrong, so frustrating!!!!
I know I was made for so much more than a mediocre life with a nine-to-five job and a white picket fence, but that's where I'm headed because that's where I feel safe!
Why can't I break free of this need to feel secure? I know I should be relying on God for security, not my own abilities or corporeal provision.. Yet my fleshly instincts impede my ability to do so.
Oh how I curse corporeal desires,
My flesh that wants to stay safe,
In the end it will not last through the fires,
But it clings to my soul like fetters that chafe,
How can I break these chains on my soul,
These bindings that hinder my dreams,
Keeping me from reaching for a higher goal,
I've fallen captive to each one of its schemes,
Lord let me break down this wall,
Be my strength, for I am weak,
Lord, I cry - Hear my call,
My situation's getting bleak,
I will wait upon the Word of the Lord,
I will wait to hear His voice,
For His Word is both my shield and sword,
And in it, I will rejoice.
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