5 Years

This month it will have been 5 years since my Mom passed away because of cancer. I still miss her so very much... I wish she could see what I have become. I wish I could hear her say how proud she is of me, and encourage me when I get discouraged. I wish I could ask her the millions of questions I will never know the answers to. I wish I could hug her just one more time....
These are such useless wishes. I know I will see her again someday in heaven, but my heart hurts so badly right now. It may have been 5 years, but tonight the pain is just as fresh as it was the very day she died. My heart is breaking with the pain of knowing she is not going to be there when I get home tonight. Knowing I can't ask her stories about when she was my age, or ask advice when I am stressed. I am blessed to have many other people in my life to fill my needs, but it just isn't the same and I feel it in my heart. My child's heart is crying for my mommy, wondering why she is not there, why I can't run to her and have her tell me everything is gonna be all right. The future looks so scary from where I stand... I know I need to rely on God, and I am trying to, but my heart aches for the physical and verbal reassurance it needs... I feel the ache of a piece of my life that is missing, that can never be replaced...


Every time I thought of you, 
And all the times I've cried, 
If my love could have saved you, 
You never would have died, 
If only I could see you now, 
And have you hold me tight, 
Maybe I could make it through, 
Without a tear tonight, 
Another year without you here, 
Your voice, your laugh, your smile, 
I still think of you so very dear, 
And miss you more with every mile. 
I love you Mom.