I've Realized

     I've realized in the end that you are just so confused. You never really knew what you wanted. Maybe you truly loved me and maybe you didn't, but I know I truly and sincerely loved you. I still do. 
     You were too stubborn to admit you didn't know your own feelings, so you just shoved them aside and ignored them, and made the decision that would make them easiest to ignore. You gave up. To be quite bluntly honest, you followed Adam in his sin - the sin of silence, complacency. You didn't fight to find out what was truly right, or even just make the effort to figure out your feelings. You ignored everything because it was just too hard. And left me to deal with the consequences.
     You were and still are the only guy I have ever felt that certain connection with, the kind felt deep in the soul, where you just know. I honestly believe that had we both made different decisions, we would have been the people God had meant for each other. I know it in the deepest part of my heart. I also believe we still could have been, but you chose to close the door. You chose. Not me. I was still willing to try, still willing to give it another chance.
     Part of my heart still clings to that last pitiful fraying thread of hope that you will wake up and realize how much I really loved you. Part of me still wishes you would ride in on your white horse proclaiming your love, and be willing to fight for me - fight to regain my trust and my love, to show me I'm worth it to you to fight for. The rest of me knows that the chances of that happening are slim to none at best, and it would take a miracle of God for that to happen. 
     I am valuable - I am a treasure because I am a child of God. I am his daughter, forgiven and free. I find my worth in God alone, not in what others think of me, what you think of me. This doesn't mean it doesn't break my heart that you slammed the door in my face. But it does mean that my worth is not defined by you. 
     Maybe one day you will wake up and realize how much I loved you, how good things could have been... But then again, maybe one day it will be too late. You may wake up and realize it someday, but someday I will wake up next to someone who already knew.