The "What If"s of Life

I wonder... I ponder.... I think.... I dream...
"What if?" Two words that each alone are as harmless as words can be, but put together they have the power to haunt you for a lifetime.
This applies to so many areas of my life. Those that were in my control, as well as those beyond even the most naive illusion of control.
What if....
What if my mom had never gotten cancer? never died?
What if I had never come back to God?
What if I had never met certain friends?
What if I had never dated?
What if I had never broken up with anyone?
What if I had never gone to Life Bible?
What if I had never gone to Harris Private?
What if I had never met anyone from the VCC youth group?
What if.... What if.....

Though I know no specific answers, to some of these questions I am grateful they are only "what if"'s because the alternative would have been so much worse.
For others of these, some that I keep only in my mind, I wonder what the alternative might have been... better? worse? just the same?
What if.... What if God had more for me at the time when I made this or that decision, and I missed out?
What if God has more for me now, and I am simply too blind to see it?
What if I am missing out on a grand adventure that is right in front of my nose?

I am such a truly passionate person at heart. I dream of a life of grand adventures, taking risks and putting it all on the line for my faith and the ones I love. I long to be consumed with the passions of my heart and soul, like a burning fire that will not be quenched. I long to take great leaps of faith and do amazing miraculous things in the name of the Lord.
The problem is, that's where it ends: I dream. I long. But I do not do.

It has been drilled into me my entire life - through society, family, school, and even my own flesh - Be safe. Be secure. Be reasonable. Don't take risks. Don't let yourself get hurt. Don't care too much. Don't dream of adventures. Be content with boring but safe.
And as much as I hate it, having it drilled into me my entire life has impeded me from doing anything but!
It's so wrong, so frustrating!!!!
I know I was made for so much more than a mediocre life with a nine-to-five job and a white picket fence, but that's where I'm headed because that's where I feel safe!
Why can't I break free of this need to feel secure? I know I should be relying on God for security, not my own abilities or corporeal provision.. Yet my fleshly instincts impede my ability to do so.

Oh how I curse corporeal desires,
My flesh that wants to stay safe,
In the end it will not last through the fires,
But it clings to my soul like fetters that chafe,

How can I break these chains on my soul,
These bindings that hinder my dreams,
Keeping me from reaching for a higher goal,
I've fallen captive to each one of its schemes,

Lord let me break down this wall,
Be my strength, for I am weak,
Lord, I cry - Hear my call,
My situation's getting bleak,

I will wait upon the Word of the Lord,
I will wait to hear His voice,
For His Word is both my shield and sword,
And in it, I will rejoice.