Random poems....

 I wrote this one several weeks ago after finding out about my Grandma being diagnosed with cancer.

Emotions so fragile,
So easy to shake,
A single sentence uttered,
And my heart begins to break,

As reality sets in,
This little bit of news,
Fear and desperation,
Turn my heart and mind askew,

Standing on the brink,
Of yet another death,
Another loved one lost,
Breathing their last breath,

I cannot bear to face it,
That such reality is near,
I cry out to God in heaven,
"Have I not shed too many tears?"

My heart and soul are aching,
My very body shaking,
In dread and fear of what is soon to come,
How much can my heart take,
Before it shatters, before it breaks,
From this painful foe from which I cannot run?

Oh Lord, I cry out, Save me!
Don't let me fall into despair!
Become my steadfast fortress,
Relieve this load that I now bear.


Random verse....

Sometimes no matter how hard we try, 
We fail and we don't know why, 
But trust in God for reasons unseen, 
And open the door to dream a new dream.

More to come later but I'm too distracted by jamming on my guitar to copy more right now. =)

Untangling My Heart

As I struggle, and I try, I turn away and hide my eyes, For a time so long of invested heart, This long-strung thread must come apart, Anchored roots so grown together, Strong entwined through stormy weather, Must be carefully untangled, Though such action proves so painful, I cling ever tighter to my Savior King, And release my control of everything.

Thank Him

Thank God for the times that you try,
Thank God for the tears that you cry,
Thank God in the pouring rain,
Thank God in the midst of your pain,
Thank God for all your trials and tests,
Because the things that we go through push us to our best.

Writing Exercize: My Perfect Guy

So I read about this writing exercise where you describe what you look for in a "Perfect Guy/Girl", and I thought it would be fun, so here goes. =)

There are a lot of different aspects I could address when describing my perfect guy - looks, strength, intelligence, - but none of those truly matter to me as much as the two aspects I count as most important. Those aspects, are his faith, and his personality.
My perfect guy would have to share my faith completely. By that I don't just mean that he has to say he is a "Christian", but that he would truly live it out, and not compromise his faith for anything the world might throw at him. I would want him to be as completely sold-out for God as I am. (or at least as much as I want and try to be) This is important to me, not only because the Bible says that that is the wise thing to do, but because of the reasoning behind it. I would want to be able to share my life completely with my husband someday, in all aspects, and my faith is a hugely important aspect of my life, that intertwines and affects all other aspects of my life. If I coul dn't share that with a guy, I would never even consider dating him, much less anything more.
The second most important aspect I would look for in a guy, is one of the most obvious aspects - his personality. My perfect guy would be sweet, caring, loving, and romantic, it's true, but I look a bit deeper than the standard "girly" answer. One of the most important personality traits I would look for is trustworthiness. If I was to give my heart to someone, I would have to know that I could trust them not to break it. Not only that, but I would also want to be able to trust him with my past, my deepest darkest secrets and fears, my hopes and my dreams.... My perfect guy would also be loyal, ambitious, expressive, passionate.... I could go on and on. But yet, at the same time, my perfect guy would posess something more than even these. He would be courageous, chivalrous, brave. My perfect man would not be a sissy. He would be a real man and fill the role God meant men to fill. By that, I do not mean he would trample all over me and be a tyrant. We would be equal partners, but he would care for me and love me and protect me like he was meant to, and he would also take the lead in the relationship like he was meant to.
There is another thing, now that I think of it, that I would also look for. My perfect guy would be interested in me. Lol. It seems funny to say, but it's true - a guy could be all the things I've listed above, but then not be interested in me.  I would want my guy to want to listen and know what I have to say, be interested in my life, my hopes, my dreams my fears. I would want him to be interested in what is going on in my life, simply because it is a part of me. Especially my writing and my music. Those are huge to me. My songs are each a little piece of who I am, who I've been, or who I want to be. I would want him to love my songs and be interested in them for just that reason.
That is pretty much the end of my little writing exercise. I actually got a whole lot deeper than I thought I would. A little bit of self discovery there. lol.
=) Well, chau!!

Daily Bread

I was praying and thinking the other night, when the "Lord's Prayer" popped into my head. I started goingt through it in my mind (because as any kid who has grown up in the church, I have it fully memorized) and wondering, what did Jesus mean by each phrase.

Now, I could write several pages picking apart each line and explaining my interperetation, but there is only one specific line that caught my attention. One specific line that was an answer to prayer.

"Give us this day our daily bread"

When Jesus said this, he meant "give us what we need for this day."

He did not say "Give us today what we need for tomorrow, or next week, or next year."

It's called "daily" bread for a reason.

Bread could truly stand for different things for different people, but the point is, it stands for whatever ity is that we need. To one person that could mean comfort and peace, to another, it could mean a job, to yet another, it could literally mean food, a meal, a place to sleep for the night.

No matter what it is that we need, God will provide it for us on a daily basis. We can't try and pressure him into giving it to us on a long term basis, because it doesn't work that way. Just like when God provided the Israelites with manna from heaven in the desert. He sent it every day, so they could eat and survive. Problem was, if they didn't trust him and tried to save the scraps, the scraps would turn sour. They had to trust God completely with their futures, because they had no way to secure it by themselves.

That is what I need to do. I need to trust God that he will provide for me each and every day, what I need for THAT day. Maybe he won't tell me what he is going to do in the long run for my life, but I don't need to know. I can let God be unpredictable and surprise me. I'm not going to try to confine God and dictate what he can or can't do in my life. I'm not going to stick him in a box anymore. He can surprise me with what he is doing with my life. That's the beauty of it. After all, what would life be without surprises? If you always knew what was going to happen life would be rather tedious and boring wouldn't it?

So here's to the start of my grand new adventure of letting go of control, and letting God surprise me. =)

Give me this day my daily bread, God, and let your will, not mine be done. =)

Complicated....

That is the description of my life right now.
Complicated.
Everything is so complex I could not even attempt to explain it all to anyone except for God. Even I don't know how complicated my life is right now, but he does, and I guess that's all that matters. I love that no matter what is going on, I can always go to him with anything, big or small, and he is never to busy to listen. He doesn't have a cell phone that he can leave somewhere, or forget to recharge, I don't have to send him an email and hope he gets online, he's just there. Always. No matter what.
Even if I have just messed up, and I know it, and I'm ashamed to talk to him, all I have to do is ask forgiveness, and he is right there with me.
God is good, truly, he is.
I don't know where my life would be without him.
Wait, scratch that, I do know, and it ain't pretty.

Anyway, as I was saying, my life is complicated.
I have several very delicate situations that I am trying to balance right now. One wrong move, and could all come crashing down.
That's a lot of stress.... I'm dealing with things okay so far, but it doesn't make for a very fun-happy time right now. I need to work more on giving my fears, worries, and stress to God. It's just so difficult when decisions I make affect the situations I am so worried about.
How am I supposed to not worry, but still make the right decisions??
The Sunday-School answer is "Trust God".
The thing is, I trust him, I just don't trust my interpretation of what he is telling me to do!
How do I know if it's truly from God?
How do I know if what I think he is saying, is actually what he means?
I feel like I'm trying to read a manual in German. (Wait a second, I know like, 3 words in German, so that would actually be easier! haha...)
I need confirmation. I need to know it, for sure.
Even when I think I'm sure, I always end up second-guessing myself later.
Help?

Mixed Emotions

My head is so fuzzy right now. So many things have happened since I last wrote. So many emotional rollercoaster loops. My heart and my head are so mixed up I can't tell which way is up anymore.

I keep talking to God, pouring my heart out to him, seeking him, and surrendering my everything to him.... But I'm not hearing any reply. Nothing. I feel like he is hearing me, yet choosing toignore my plea for guidance. I knowthis isn't the truth. I know he is listening, and he loves me, and he cares, but knowing and believing something, and feeling it, are two very different things.

I'm hurting right now. God has told me before that I am not supposed to date anyone again until after highschool. Logically, I can understand that this is the wise, mature, responsible thing to do. I know that, yet I crave so deeply for what comes with that sort of relationship. The deep connection with another human being, feeling loved and cared for, having someone to share my deepest emotions with, someone to love. But out of all these, especially just to know someone cares about me deeply, and for them to show it.

I have been trying to seek after God, for him to fill that whole, because that's how its supposed to work, isn't it? But it isn't working yet. My heart longs so deeply to feel His love, but all I feel is a lack of anything coming from Him. This makes it so much harder to resist the temptation of seeking attention elsewhere. Especially when there are so many sources readily available...

What am I to do?
God, I need you...

Ignored

Feeling so alone,  

Ignored and pushed aside,  

They don't ever see, 

The hurt I feel inside,  

They don't have the time,  

And they don't seem to care,  

Cause I'm always there for them, 

And they don't see it's not fair,  

But I'll push my needs aside, 

Again I'll keep it to myself,  

Put on a happy face, 

And leave my feelings on a shelf.

The Wait

I miss you so badly,
But no one else sees,
I keep it well hidden,
Inside of me,
My heart is hurting,
An unquenchable ache,
The longer I'm waiting,
The more that it breaks,
Yet I know all you need,
Is some time to yourself,
So I respect your requests,
And put my needs on a shelf,
Though I know not,
What you are going through,
I want you to know,
That I'm praying for you.

love, Kimbaby

Aaaaagh!!!

I know I haven't blogged in forever. Sorry.

Update - I got to keep my job partially after all - Happiness.

 

OMGOSH!!! Last night was probably the most fun I've had all Summer! I went to the Community Dance at the Scandinavian Festival with a group of friends and danced until midnight!!!!! It was soooo much fun!!!!! I totally thought I'd regret staying up that late since I had work today, but it was so much fun I don't even mind being dead tired. =)

Tonight = a big steaming pile of crap on a bun!

I went to the mall with my friend Amber and for awhile it was great. Good dinner, great deals on some back-to-school clothes, pretty good right? It was. Until my nearly brand-new phone disappeared! It's a Samsung Epix. Now I'm stuck without a phone for several days until Dad can figure out how to deactivate that one while reactivating my other SIM card. So sucky!!!! I survive my work days by texting my friends!!! Aaaggh!!!! ='(

I am so ticked at myself right now. 

I saw a quote that totally describes how I feel right now - "Well isn't that just the pickle on top of the crap sandwich that has been my day."

Grr.

Craptastic.

This morning my life was near-perfect,
But now it's just so far away,
'Cause my job went and flew out the window,
What a horribly craptastic day.

Yet that isn't all of the story,
Just a small bit I can tell,
'Cause this emotional roller-coaster,
Ain't making me feel so well.

Dear God...

I'm dropping my guard,

My walls torn away,

I surrender my heart,

Will your presence stay?

Letting go of my fear,

I'm choosing to trust,

When I feel you near,

I know that I must,

Here in my heart,

I ask you to stay,

To never depart,

Throughout all my days.

Wow....

God has done some beyond-incredible things in my life this last week. I cannot even begin to describe it, and for those of you who know me well, I am not easily made speechless.
I had such a breakthrough at 212. (LifeBible's camp)

I have finally been able to completely reconnect with God the way I used to. Actually, not even the way I used to - infinitely more powerful.
I'm not going to try and describe it. I would only be wasting words that would never do my experience justice. Just know that I had the most powerful God-experience of my life.
I am forever altered, forever changed by the power of my Lord and Saviour.
This verse now truly applies to my life:
"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; behold, the old has gone, the new has come."

Praise to our Lord Jesus Christ forever and ever!
By his amazing grace and unending love I am forever altered beyond reversal!
I have fallen in love with my Lord and I never want it to end, and guess what? - It never will.
Praise be to the Lord and Saviour of my life. =D

God Bless!
Kimberly Nicole Smith,
Forever a servant and daughter of the Lord Jesus Christ.

To Let Go, and Let God

Well.... I did it.
I knew what God wanted me to do, and I followed through.
And I hate it.
It really sucks. I hurt someone else, and it's hurting me. I know I did the right thing, but isn't doing the right thing supposed to make you feel good? All I feel like is a pile of horse manure.
At least the most difficult part is over - taking the first step.
Even though I know I'm going to have to work through this pain, it's easier than torturing myself by putting things off, and dreading the pain.
I just let go of my selfish wants and let God have his way in my life.
It is what I have always striven to do, but often chickened out whenever he wanted me to do something hard. Not this time, though. This time was too important. And this time, despite the pain I followed through, taking my Saviour's hand and letting him lead me where He wanted me to go.
It hurts. It hurts a lot, and I hate it, but I know I did the right thing.
The thing that hurts the most though, is knowing how much I hurt someone else. I always want to help others, not hurt them! It kills me to know that I am the source of someone else's pain. I hate it! It goes against who I am to hurt other people. (Well, emotionally anyway, for those of you who know me well... ;) lol)
I'm just praying that God will help me to endure this, and help the other person who was hurt as well. Especially the other person....
I'll make it through this, I will. I just need to continue to let go of my selfish wants, and let God guide me.

Fear of the Unknown

I have a decision to make.

I think I know the right way, the way God wants me to go, but I keep second guessing myself.

I keep wondering, "Well what will people think if I do that?"

And, "I don't want to disappoint them."

But why do I care so much about what other people think?

If it is truly the right thing, truly what God wants me to do, then I shouldn't!

If they really care about make, their opinions wouldn't change, and they would trust that I'm only doing what God wants.

And if I am doing what God wants, even if it means hurting others in the process, I should be confident that even though I'm hurting them now, it's for the best, because God works all things together for good.

So why am I still struggling???

I am so frustrated with myself and my emotions that I want to scream and cry all at once.

This is one point in which I wish I could bring back that numbness, and be hard, just temporarily, so that I could go through with things without struggling.

I know what direction I need to take, but like a skittish horse I shy away because I don't want to get hurt, or hurt others. I don't buck or rear, because I don't desire my Master to get off my back, I simply shy away from doing what he wants.

I suppose my relationship with God really is a lot like the one between a horse and it's rider. God has saved me from the wild desert, brought me into his stables, and given me food and water. I gratefully submit to the bridle and sadlle, and even let him get on my back and ride, directing me where he wants to go.

Inside the corral, where I feel safe, I let him do whatever he wants, even daring to fly over the jumps, but the second we step outside of the corral, I get nervous. Staying on the trails, I still deal with, even if I get a bit uneasy, but it's when he asks me to step off the path I know that I shy away and stubbornly refuse to go on out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of those sharp blackberry bushes that infest either side of so many trails here in Oregon

An older, more experienced horse, who has known their master for a long time, recognizes his voice, and trusts his direction would step off the path without hesitation. This one, however, even knowing the master knows best, still fears the unknown. Especially right now, because some of the unknown, actually is known, and it isn't exactly a pretty picture.

I know God sees what is beyond what is in my line of sight. Sure, I have to pass through some tall thick bushes, and get hurt, as well as hurt others, but on the other side God knows if there is a green pasture, or a clean clear brook.

I just need to take a step of faith. Step off the path, and trust my Master.

I just pray I have the strength and faith......

To Give Him My Everything

In my earlier blog, (A Fork in the Road) I talked a lot about how we can go through life mechanically, just, as Matthew West's song says, "Going Through the Motions".

That song is my hearts cry today, as I find myself falling into that routine, as so many of us do on a daily basis. The chorus especially, strikes a chord in my heart:

"I don't wanna go through the motions,

I don't wanna go one more day,

without your all-consuming passion inside of me,

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything?",

Instead of going through the motions."



Though I sit here many days, playing this song over and over, trying to wake myself up from this daily mechanical stupor in which I now lie, I find it nearly impossible to do so, and then stay that way. Sure, perhaps I will be awake and aware of life for the rest of the day, but the next morning I am automatically back in my emotionless, thoughtless, robotic routine.

Why is it so hard to actually think about what is going on in our lives?

Perhaps we don't want to admit our downfalls, our weaknesses, the fact that we are human, so we train ourselves to not think, to not analyze, to not realize where our defects lie.

I realize that this would also be a reasonable explanation as to why evolutionists cling to their ridiculous theory. They don't want to think about the fact that there might be a higher being, because if there is that means that their faults actually mean something, that they are actually accountable. So instead they cling to a ridiculous theory that there was nothing, and then nothing exp0loded into everything, and little bits of everything evolved into conscious life forms that eventually became humans. Makes perfect sense right? Hah.

Personally I think it takes more faith to believe that than to believe that God exists. After all, in Darwin's theory of Natural Selection, he included a disclaimer, stating that the entire theory of evolution would be uprooted if the cell were to be found anything more than a blob of plasma. And guess what? Thanks to modern-day technology, we have been able to see the irreducibly complex workings inside each cell. And since each part has to be in place in order for the cell to function properly, Darwin's theory of natural selection as a part of evolution has been voided. (Not that that stops truly persistent evolutionists, but....)

Enough about my strong opinions about the theory of evolution though.
Going back to my original point. Why is it that we get so caught up in our daily lives that we forget to actually live?
We forget that life is so short. We forget that it can be gone before you can blink.
We forget, and then we regret.
Trust me, I know.
I may have been young when my mom died, but that doesn't stop me from wishing I had spent more time with her, fought with her less, and shown her how much I loved her, more.
I don't want to have more regrets like the ones I already have.
I resoilve to struggle through this apathy that binds my soul. I know that the battle will not be easily won, but with God by my side, my prize will be more than enough.
I desire for that deep passion in my heart and soul that can come from God alone, that can break through this apathy, and carry me through the most difficult of times.
Yet, I desire more than simply just to break free from apathy. I desire more than to stop "going through the motions, for that is only half the battle. I desire to throw my life at the feet of Jesus, to give him my everything, and to have him be my all. When I contemplate the monumentous sacrifice behind those words, my earthly flesh recoils, desiring the security and comfort that comes from living the way society idealizes. At the same time, while contemplating this, I also feel a deep-rooted yearning in my soul, to be completely abandoned to my Saviours love, and to his plan.
When I looked up the meaning of "abandon", one definition caught my eye:
to leave completely and finally; to give up the control of; to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation.
Did you notice the part "without restraint or moderation"?
The church today seems to only do things in moderation.
Why are we so afraid of stepping on a few toes, that we don't stand up for the truth and light that we believe in?
Why do we continually comprimise and pacify?
We don't need the approval of anyone on what we believe, and yet still we seek it!
This is my message to the church - If we are truly the body of Christ, then we need to quit worrying about what other people think, and find our passion again! I doubt Jesus ever once worried about whether he would anger the Pharisees or the government, and he angered them plenty of times!
We need to wake up and realize that we aren't doing any good keeping one foot in the boat.
We need to gather our courage, set our eyes on Jesus, and step out into the crashing waves - completely abandoned to him.

A Heart, A Passion, A Purpose.

Make in me a new heart, O God,

Renew the depths of my soul,

Gather me up in your loving arms,

And make my broken heart whole,

Create in me a passion, O Lord,

An ever-consuming fire,

To live with a constant vivacity,

My life, to lift your name higher,

Birth in me, a purpose, O Spirit,

That I might seek your way,

And dawn till dusk, though strength may fade,

I can toil on through each day.

A Fork in the Road

Many times in your life you come to a fork in the road. There are two ways you could go, right or left. Usually the choice is simple: right and wrong, but what if both of the choices are both right and wrong at the same time? If either way you go, something good, and something bad will happen, regardless of your choice? How do you know which path to pick?
The normal response would be: "Well, I'd just have to choose one."
Or, for believers, "I'd pray about it, and then choose whichever one God tells me to."
Me, I would have thought my answer would be the second, and I suppose it would have been before I talked to God about it. What I discovered, however, is that God doesn't always tell us to take either of the obvious paths that lay in front of us. He doesn't always show us a little out of the way trail he created either. Sometimes he asks us to plunge straight into the brush and the thorns, to create our own straight path, despite the pain involved in doing so.
My natural instinct is to shy away from the painful untouched wilderness, to stay on the beaten path, and to stay at the fork, not making a decision or moving forward out of fear that my decision will hurt someone else, as well as myself, as in the case I now face, I know it will.
Yet here I stand at the fork, one foot at the beginning of one path, and one foot at the front of the other, and here also is my Saviour, taking my hand and tugging me forward, toward the untamed thorns and brambles, telling me to go straight, that neither path is the way he wants for me, though I may walk them if I wish.
Enticements also lie on either path, begging me to go down them, so as to not hurt those I love, to make at least one person happy. Temptations to give into part of what my earthly flesh wants right now, to find fufillment emotionally by the things of this world, while still finding a bit of righteousness and jusification in the choices I make. The paths tell me that there is still a right way between the two of them.
I know if I choose to walk straight, I will be scarred by the emotional thorns in my way. I also know that though the way I choose is my choice to make, those thorns will fall on others as well. hurting and scarring those I love so dearly.
So now I sit here, my heart in anguish, every fiber of my being screaming against hurting those I love. Yet toward every direction I face lies pain of some sort, for both myself and those I love, and I cannot backtrack, for behind me the path is locked in the vault of the past.
I know I will sit here awhile longer, calming and strengthening my heart, and vainly hoping to soften the blow, but in the end, I know I will bravely stand up, take my Saviour's hand, and walk into the wilderness, trusting him with my every step.
Yet this makes me wonder. While I may have sought the Lord in such a decision as I now face, how many smller decisions do we make in our every day lives without thinking, that the Lord may want us to go off the beaten path? How many times do we pass by an oppurtunity to share God with other people, simply because we are too caught up in the monotonous routines of our lives, day in and day out, that we don't even think to stop and hear from the Lord?
What if, while getting our morning coffee as usual, God wanted you to buy an extra bagel and give it to the homeless man down the street, but you were so focused on getting in and getting out, that you didn't even hear God talking to you?
If we can become so caught up that we don't hear God putting things right in front of our faces, how will we ever be able to hear his simple whispers?
Life can become so mechanical, but we aren't machines, so why are we living like them?!
We all have the desire inside of us to become more intimate with our Creator, to hear and recognize his voice. Yet we have gotten to the point that many of us are so routinized, that the thought is pushed out of our minds, erased like "unneeded data".
Now that I am waking up, I realize that living like a robot is no life at all. I want to wake up each morning with a vivacity, and a new, raw sensitivity to life, and the voice of my amazing Creator. I don't ever want to fall back into the numb stupor of monotonous routines. I want to be able to breathe in and out, and truly feel alive!

Ok so I lied - Sorry for not updating!

Okay so I totally meant to update the next day like I said I would, but things have been insanely crazy!!
Anyway, the play had gone really well on Wednesday.
Tim Monson, a youth pastor at Life Bible, even suggested that I should talk to his wife, Tiffany Monson, (another youth pastor) about starting a church dance team. I haven't talked to here yet, but I think I will eventually when things calm down.
On Thursday we performed at the U of O campus. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. Mostly it was just boiling hot. It was like 90-something degrees outside, and on top of that We were wearing all black clothes. I almost felt like I was gonna faint a couple times, but luckily my amazing daddy, who works at the U of O Bookstore just a couple blocks away from where we were performing, brought me a giant ice-cold water bottle. =D It saved me. I drank the whole entire thing within about 45 minutes, with a teeny bit of help from a couple friends who wanted a sip.
Nothing really happened that Friday, mostly just business as usual. Saturday, however, is a different story.
Saturday morning we had our school's Trap Shoot Fundraiser. It wasn't a huge success, but we made a little money. Afterward, Cameron, Alex, and I went to Alex's house to hang out until the "Function For Junction", because Alex lives out in Junction City. We hung out and played some Call Of Duty, and Alex played on his base for awhile. It was fun hanging out with them.
Anyway, when it was time, we all went to the "Function For Junction" classic car parade. We all came in our black clothes, planning on performing our drama there, but we soon discovered the cars were too loud for the music from our portable stereo to be heard. Instead, we ended up handing out fliers for the church all afternoon - while still in our hot black clothes, while it was 90-something degrees or maybe even more. It was torture. We did it though.
After we were finished handing out fliers, Alex, Cam and I went back to Alex's house to change into cooler clothes so we wouldn't die of heatstroke. (lol) Then we went back and walked up and down Junction City, watching the cool cars and eating ice cream.
A little later we decided to go back to the house and watch a movie before calling it a night. When we got back we went to go chose a movie, and since I was the only girl there (other than Mrs. Agoff, Alex's mom) I sorta just went along with whatever they chose. They chose a movie called "Untracable". It was classified as a thriller, and I sorta skimmed the back, and got the impression that it was about tracking down computer trackers, so I agreed. Boy was my impression wrong. I mean, it was about that, but it was more specifically about a deranged psychopath computer hacker who killed people in horrible ways while airing it on the internet as revenge against the news stations who had showed his father's death over and over.
It was pretty gory. Probably half the time I was hiding my eyes, because I just can't stand gory, horror-type movies. It's just disturbing to me on a very deep level.
Anyway, after the movie was over I drove home to my Aunt Deana's, and fell into bed, exhausted, after briefly hanging out with my cousin and wishing him a happy 18th birthday.
For the most part from last Sunday until now can be summarized in one word - Stress. This week was a combination of "end-of-the-school-year-itis" and stress from finals. Bad combination! Ugh. It was okay though. I am so happy finals are over.
This last Thursday through yesterday are the only days that have something worth mentioning. On Thursday was our school's graduation. I am so sad to see all the seniors leaving. The school just won't be the same next year without Adam, Chloe, Carrie, and Megan. We are all going to miss them a lot.
On Friday I had to go to my brother Stephen's graduation. It was kinda annoying because we got to sit on uncomfortable bleachers for a very uncomfortably long time. (Especially since he goes to a very large public school)
The only fun thing was that my brother was in such a good mood afterward that he actually let me hug him! That was huge. He almost never lets me hug him, ever, and since I am the kind of person who loves hugs it makes me really sad. The last time he had let me hug him before his graduation was Christmas. I usually only get a couple hudgs from him a year - My birthday, Christmas, possibly his birthday, and then if there is a special thing like his graduation he lets me sometimes. Anyway, he was actually in such a good mood that I was even able to kiss his cheek - and that hasn't happened in (literally) years! That made me really happy.
After the graduation, my grandma, who had flown out from Idaho to see Stephen graduate, took us all out to ice cream. =)
That evening I spent some time with my brother Matthew, and my sister-in-law Karen. I was really happy to spend time with them since I hardly ever get to see them, as they live in Corvallis. We were all silly and a little tired so it was really fun. Karen actually even taught me a few things she remembered from her ballet lessons as a kid. =) It was fun.
On Saturday I went to Megan's graduation party. It was really cool, because I actually ended up running into my friend Mikayla, whom I knew from Camp Crestview. I had a really great time catching up with her, and hearing about what was going on with everyone I know up in the Albany youthgroup. =)
After Megan's party I stopped by Peilin's (pronounced pay-leen) grad party as well. Peilin is a foreign exchange student from China whom my Aunt Deana's family has hosted since last year. I'm gonna miss him next year. Things won't be the same around the house without him.
In the evening Grandma took us all out to Hometown Buffet, as has always been tradition every tim she comes to see us. I hadn't been there in a long time, so it was kinda fun. =)
Around 9ish last night I went over to Tiffany Matthew's house and spent the night. Being the directionally challenged person that I am, and with weird, confusing, mapquest directions, I got lost and had to call her to get directions. (lol) When I got there she played around with my hair, practicing with it because she is going to do my hair for the formal dinner on Monday. We figured out a style that is really pretty. =)
Then, this morning I came home, and now I'm writing this exceedingly long blog.
Phew!!!
All caught up now. ;-)
Yay.
There is a subject that I haven't touched on just yet, but that will come later once things are a bit more worked out. =)
Luvs! <3
~Kimbaby~

"Silence" Drama =)

We performed two of the dramas we have been working on all semester tonight at church.
It went really well. =)
I can't write much cause I have to go clean my room, but tomorrow we are performing them on the U of O campus - SCARY!!!!
More details tomorrow night. =)
Gnight! <3
~Kimberly~

Ever Tried?

Ever tried to reach out,
And grab your dreams?
Ever tried to speak out,
When things aren't what they seem?
Ever tried to break out,
Of society's grip and means?
Ever tried to cry out,
To the one who can redeem?

Jesus Christ alone,
Can change the way things are,
But he can't change the world around you,
until you let him change your heart.

A New Dance

I'd lost the very core,
Of who I was and why,
I couldn't seek it out,
No matter what I'd try,

Every time that I would go,
To take a step, I'd fall,
And every turn that I would make,
I'd run into a wall,

But now that you're around,
You've brought it back to me,
And the things I say and do,
Seem to flow so naturally,

I don't really know what I'm doing,
This dance to the beat of my heart,
I didn't know that I had the moves,
Until I felt the start,

I've found out who I am,
Found the place where I belong,
My heart is the beat I step to,
And God's unfailing love, the song,

My Heart.

I travel to a secluded place,
A place inside my heart,
I smile at the names I see,
That label every part,

Out of the corner of my eye,
I shed my salty tears,
That fall into the hollows,
Of the ones I've lost, so dear,

Though my mind is cluttered,
A confusing disarray,
I know the people that I love,
And in my heart they'll stay,

People come, and people go,
Through the time-line of my life,
But the memories of those who've touched my heart,
Sustain me through the strife.

I actually feel.... content.

For the first time in awhile I actually feel... content.
I have... peace.
After a long and tiring emotional roller coaster the last few weeks I have finally found a balance.
I'm actually happy.
I'm not stressed out from school work now that I've found a rhythm that works.
I actually have friends at school now, thanks to Alex, Tiff, and Mariah initiating my actually being included into the group.
I'm spending more time with God, and actually growing spiritually, when I had been feeling stuck up until recently.
I've found peace with being single again, and been able to retain Nathan as my best guy friend, which I thank God for because I don't know what I ever would have done if I had lost him as a friend.
I just praise God with all that is in me right now. I am at peace, I am content, and I feel loved.
Life is good for now. =)

Just a poem. =)

I actually wrote this in response to my friend's blog, but I thought I'd post it here as well. =)

We all stumble and we trip,
Make mistakes and lose our way,
But even when we wander far,
We fall back on God's grace,

His love is never-ending,
And His mercy overflows,
He sees each tear we cry,
And every pain he knows,

Faithful we will strive to be,
Through trials of fire and ice,
Praising Him and Him alone,
Whose name is Jesus Christ.

My heart poured out... I just wish someone would listen.

Something is really bothering me lately.
I was always a complete happy-go-lucky drama queen when I was younger, but now, I am really reserved and insecure compared to how I was when I was younger. That's mostly at school though. Up in Albany/Corvallis/Lebanon I am more comfortable and more secure because all my Camp Crestview friends who have seen my drama queen side at camp are up there.
At school I am so quiet and reserved out of insecurity they probably wouldn't even recognize me as the Kimberly they know and are annoyed by. ;-)
It's weird though, knowing I have the capacity inside me somewhere to be a confident, outgoing person, and still not be able to actually put that into action.
I struggle a lot inside with insecurity. I know I have the capacity to be a good leader, and I have good ideas, but I don't want to come off as bossy and overpowering, as I tend to come off that way because my suppressed leadership skill leaks, despite my efforts to control it. Especially in a situation like at school, where people don't know me very well, I feel like I don't have the right to even try and be heard.
It definitely doesn't help that almost none of the people have made any effort at all to get to know me, or be my friend. Even the ones who have have only made minimal effort, and only very recently.
I know they don't mean to, but people at my school are sort of clique-ish. They have all known each other for a long time, some of them since grade school, so they have a really tight-knit family type thing going on. Don't get me wrong, I love that they're all really close, I just wish they would let me into the circle. They are so close that there's no room for me to squeeze in, and they seem to be completely unaware of me standing there, wanting so badly to be included, to be "adopted" into their "family".
I'm pretty sure they all think I'm a socially awkward, controlling, annoying person. I mean, not because I want to join their group, but looking back, I sort of have been when I'm around them.
I have some bad habits, like biting my nails and touching my face, that frequently surface during school when I'm bored or distracted, and because of my insecurity, I start to try and involve myself, but because it is in comparison to my normal reservedness, I come off way too strong, and when I'm met with very little encouragement, I retreat and isolate myself again.
I feel like I put in an application to be part of their "group" and they gave me a conditional membership. Like they'll let me go to school with them, and they won't be mean to me, (well, most of them) but I don't get to be part of their exclusive group, with all the benefits like friends, people to talk to who care, full acceptance, inclusion in group things, and the right to actually have a say in things without people getting irritated at me.
Even people who they have only known vaguely last year from church, who actually joined the school this year have full and complete inclusion.
Every day at school I hear about things that have happened or things they are planning, and never once have I been asked if maybe I would like to come along. The only things I have ever done with any of them outside of school are church things. It's really frustrating and discouraging. I want so badly to be included, but I can't seem to find a way. They aren't reaching out to me, and when I try and reach out to them I come on too strong.
Maybe if I could break my bad habits, and work out my social quirks, I could be more confident, and they would be more accepting, but that just doesn't seem right somehow. I have always been taught that people should accept me for who I am, and right now my social quirks and bad habits are a part of who I am. I will continue to work on them, of course, but it should be solely for my own benefit, not to earn their acceptance and approval.
I wish someone, anyone, would actually make an effort to see past my exterior and see me for who I am. Someone who would be willing to do the work to break through my barriers and fronts and get to my heart, my core. Someone who will accept me, despite my countless flaws, and be there for me when I need them. Someone, who when they see me upset or depressed, and they know something's wrong, will come and be persistent, not taking no for an answer, who will talk to me until I tell them what's wrong. Someone who will care about me and i can care about in return.
If only such a person existed.
Even my two best friends, as amazing as they are, and despite how well they know me, are not this person. Due to the restraints of time, distance, and transportation, They have only seen parts of me. They are the closest thing I have though, as they have seen many more parts, and much deeper and more personal parts than anyone else, and believe me, I wouldn't trade them for the world. :-D
I know I have sort of gone sideways, from talking about when I was a kid, to my insecurity, to school, to an imaginary person I wish existed in my life, and now to talking about how much i love my two best friends, but I have a random wandering brain, deal with it. ;-P
Mostly I'm just feeling frustrated and depressed right now. I just want things to work out already. I'm tired of feeling rejected, unwanted, and not good enough. I've had too much of that in my life already. A girl who I had been friends with literally since we were born ended up betraying me several times when I was about 10 or 11. Even my family has made me feel that way. Mostly my brother Stephen, but even my Aunt Deana makes me feel like she is constantly trying to fix me and caging me in. I hate it!
These feelings coupled with the loss of my mom when I was 13 (might I point out that that is during puberty, my friends) has left me an emotional and social wreck. I went into a depression after my mom died, and when I finally came out of it, I had lost all sense of confidence, self-esteem, and really, any sense of who I actually was. I was changed, scarred. Out of this came many of my social quirks, and my crippling insecurities.
I know I'm broken. I'm scarred mentally and emotionally for life. I've been through harder things than many people my age, even more than many of my friends are aware I've been through. I've also been spoiled by my Dad, been given what I wanted, because he was trying to comfort me, and make things easier, but it did more harm than good, really. Even I can recognize that in retrospect. Despite the sour mix in my life that has turned me into the broken, confused, and messed up person that I am, I still have the same deep desire and need to be wanted and loved, just like everyone else.
My life is a mess, I'm a mess, but I still want to be loved.
And before you even think about it, yes, I am aware that God loves me and accepts me and all that. I am not writing about that. I am grateful every day for God's grace, mercy, and love in my life. He is the light of my life and the center of my universe.
What I am writing about pertains to human relationships. I am very much a people person, who needs physical touch and verbal communication. I need human contact in more than just a "Hi, bye." kind of way. I long to be talked to on a daily basis about more than just school, to be hugged or high-fived, or have some sort of physical contact with other people, to know that that care about me.
I just wish someone would listen and hear my heart behind these words.
I just want someone to reach out and tell me they are here for me, and then mean it.

Ok so I totally should have written this like a week ago but...

Okay, so this is what has happened that I haven't written about yet that I should have.
Nathan and I broke up.
It wasn't a messy horrible break up like all the ones you hear about though. It was actually a really good thing. We decided together that we felt like God didn't want us in a romantic relationship anymore, and that we should go back to being best friends.
And you know what? We have.
Our relationship, while no longer in any way romantic, is stronger than ever.
We actually talked for over 4 hours the other day, staying up way later than we should have. Lol.
This was a good thing. After all, God always works everything together for good.
I'm glad God has had his hand in our relationship the way he has. A month ago, even less than that, actually, I was still in love with Nathan, but God has changed both of our feelings away from a romantic direction to make the break up easier, and for that I am grateful. Everything in me goes against hurting Nathan in any way, so the less emotional pain involved, the better. =)
Anyway, That's the major thing. There's more, but it's not prevalent at the moment.

luvs to all! <3
~Kiwi~

AAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!! (MOST FRUSTRATING DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!)

Soooo.... I had THE MOST FRUSTRATING DAY IN MY LIFE THAT I CAN REMEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!
We were practicing our drama at school today, and since everyone except me has a fairly simple and easy part (compared to mine) they weren't taking it seriously. Whenever they weren't doing anything , they were talking and joking and laughing, which made it hard for me to play my part, because until the very end part I am constantly moving and acting.
It was really distracting to have them doing that while I was trying to act and do my part, and it broke my concentration repeatedly.
On top of that, they didn't know it as well as they should have so they kept messing up, and because they were playing around they would miss their cues.
Afterward, to make things worse, they started criticizing me on my performance. The only reason I really messed up was because they missed their cues, and threw the timing off! So maybe I "didn't move as smoothly or gracefully as I should have", but it was only because I was trying to fix the timing! The only constructive criticism I got at all was from Elty and Megan, who pointed out that I was stepping out in a part when I should have slid my foot out instead.
They also got mad at me because I was trying to help out and lead a little bit, because the person who was supposed to be in charge, Adam, was gone, and I was really the only one who knew the whole thing well enough to direct, not to mention nobody else was truly stepping up to the plate and keeping things organized and going.
I seriously wanted to scream. I have never had to exercise so much self-control to keep my frustration from exploding. I just wanted everyone to take it seriously and do their parts, but they wouldn't, even when I asked nicely. I was trying to be as polite as possible, but they either ignored me or got mad at me for asking that they not mess around.
We were also teaching the second group our drama today, and my double wasn't here so I filled in. I was giving pointers to the other doubles playing the parts in the second group, and people were resentful of me for that, for who-knows-why.
The bad thing is, looking back on this, I couldn't tell them this because from their perspective it would just look like I'm blaming my problems on other people, even though that's not true. I don't want them to resent me more than they already do either. I know I can have a dominating and argumentative personality, so I can come across badly. I know that, and I'm working on it, but I can't change how I am and have been for so long very quickly. I hate that I come across the way I do, but sometimes things need to happen. They just don't take it very well from me I guess, because of the impression I have made on them with my argumentative and slightly contrary nature.
Anyway, another frustrating occurrence was that Elle, one of the second-group people, had a part where she was supposed to "hit" my character. (she wasn't actually supposed to touch me) The first time she made the mistake, and actually hit me. It didn't hurt or anything so I just let her know and left it at that. I guess she either didn't pay attention or wasn't being smart today because the second time she still hit me. It wouldn't have been a huge deal, because it wasn't that hard, but she hit the muscle in my shoulder that is sore anyways, and it really hurt! She apologized, and I forgave her, but my shoulder is still really sore.
Even this really isn't everything that happened, but the stuff earlier in the day wasn't quite as important, it just built up to this, little by little, making it even harder for me to keep a check on my frustration pressure-tank. I'm just thankful I was able to stay in control and not blow a gasket. I got close though. The only thing that helped me stay calm was praying to God for patience and self-control.
Soooo... Yeah... I had a bad day today...

Frustratedly,
Kimberly

Ok first of all...

I decided to delete my other blog. I'm just going to use this blog for everything. It's too complicated any other way.
Second, I had a fun day today. =)
My Aunt and I went on a little shopping trip at Old Navy. It was fun. I hadn't bought hardly any new clothes since September. (Lol!) It was rather refreshing to have something new that isn't fading, too small, or wearing out. =)
Other than that, I have something really painful tomorrow that I'm dreading - a root canal. Ugh!!!
It is really ironic actually. When I was younger, I was horrible about brushing my teeth regularly, but I never once got a cavity. Now that I'm older I consistently brush twice a day, and I even have a fancy Sonicare toothbrush and I'm getting cavities!!!!!
It frustrates me.
Haha.
So yeah...
My life is both really good and really sucks all at the same time.
Oh well, Se la vive.

Live.

The universe bound in time and space,
Flying by at such quick pace,
Each second gone you can't recapture,
Racing toward the final rapture,

To exist without living is tragedy,
To waste your days in fear and greed,
Let go and live before life is gone,
for the world is fleeting and eternity long,

'Tis different to exist than to truly live,
So use your heart to both love and forgive,
Live in the moment like it might be your last,
Love with your all and let go of the past,

Start today, strive toward your passion,
Find your calling and heed no distraction,
Your life is but a blink of an eye,
So what is its worth if you don't even try?

Hey! =)

I've decided to reserve this blog from now on solely for my poetry and eloquent musings, so I created a new blog for basically everything else. =)
So here's the link! http://thedailywalkoflife.blogspot.com/
Add me to your follow list! =)

So, things are a little better at least...

A couple of the situations I have been dealing with have sort of worked out. There are a couple that are suspended in midair, but until someone tips the balance, they're pretty stable.
My stress level yesterday was about a 9 (with 1 being waking up from a relaxed nap and realizing you don't have anything to do later, and 10 being "watch out! her head's gonna blow any second!") Today it has finally gone down to about a 5.5 on the stressometer.
So yeah...
If you're reading this, I would still love it if you would keep me in your prayers. I still need it in every way possible. I've got my stress under control, but the weight of my numerous situations is still just as serious.
I don't have time to write more, but thank you to all who read this.

God Bless,
Kimberly

Frustrated, Distressed, Sad, Confused, and Almost Hopeless.

That's what I am feeling right now.

As much as I would like to go into detail, there are some matters that are sensitive, and at least partially concern people who might read this. (as well as the fact that I simply don't have the time.)

The basic outline is this - I have a big decision to make some time within the next couple of months or so, and I have no idea what God wants me to do.

I also have a little problem with a couple of my friends at my school. One is in trouble and I haven't been able to reach her, and another, well, lets just say its way complicated.

And then on top of all this i have been dealing with a ton of spiritual issues inside myself. I know that Satan has been trying to get in my head, and while I am aware of it, He is still at least partially succeeding. I feel so hopeless in several situations. i know they are in God's hands, but 2 specific situations depend solely on my actions, in both the near and distant future.

That is why I need God's guidance so desperately, why I need it to be clear-cut and precise, with no room for doubt or probability of error.

I am really upset over a lot of stuff that has happened recently.
Sadly, some things are so.... I don't have an adjective, but because of the unnamed adjective, I cannot even divulge the whole story to the people I trust most in life.

(I apologize if I have made you curious only to leave you hanging, but I have to have somewhere to vent)

I close this post with simply this - Please pray for me, that God will give me clear guidance in all the situations that I am dealing with. I need all the prayer I can get.

Thanks....

Wow... Today was...

Absolutely amazing!!!
I went over to my Aunt Deana's house for our family Easter. It was incredibly fun. Especially since a certain special person was there. <3 I invited Nathan along so he could meet my extended family.It was incredible how well he fit in with my family. He was able to really connect, and it wasn't awkward at all like I thought it might be.I am really happy with how everything went.
It was wonderful to spend time with Nathan today. I loved having his arms around me again. I mean, I get to talk to him almost every day, but its no replacement for actually being physically there with him.
At one point we walked out to the river together. (My Aunt's property is HUGE. the edge of it goes all the way out to the river.) We just stood there for awhile, talking, looking at the river. When I shivered a teensy bit, he insisted on giving me his jacket, despite my protests. It was incredibly sweet.
Standing up there at the river, with the wind in my face and Nathan's arms around me, reminded me so much of the scene in the Titanic when she stands at the front of the ship that I actually burst out laughing. Lol.
When Nathan finally had to leave I was sad to see him go. I missed him before he had barely even left. It was kinda pathetic, but it's utterly true.
Nathan and I fit so perfect it's surreal. I'm almost worried I'm going to wake up and find out that this was all just a very detailed, very wonderful dream. Of course, I'm not saying everything is storybook perfect,(lol) but it's about as perfect as real life gets.
So yeah, my life is pretty dang good right now. I'm happy. =)
Well, I had better get to bed, so I guess I'm signing off. =)

~Kimbaby~

I haven't posted in awhile so....

......My life has been rather boring as of late.
There really hasn't been anything worth writing about.
Yet still I feel the urge to write.....
I guess I will copy down a poem from my notebook...

I falter yet again,
In this endless cycle going,
I start out in a sprint,
But always quickly slowing,

How am I to break,
This binding on my passion?
As the numbness overtakes again,
I start to lose my traction,

I want to seek You, Father God,
But my desire gets deeply buried,
And I forget the lonely, desperate times,
When I, by You, was carried,

By Your divine mercy,
You wipe away my sin,
And I pull myself upright,
To run this race again.


.........................


There's a passion burning in my soul,
Take my life - I give You all control,
I've made my choice, for You I'll live,
And give You all that I can give,
This spark becomes a burning flame,
As I give praise unto Your name,
I want my life to shine for You,
So I will stand upon Your truth.


.........................


Yeah so I don't really have any other new stuff.....
But this is good for now I guess.
I wish I knew if anyone was actually reading this though.
I have only gotten 1 comment on my very first post.... and it was from my aunt.
I know that at least certain best friend, and a certain boyfriend both supposedly read this, but I have yet to see any proof of this.
Care to prove it, Taylor, Nathan?
Haha...
Anyways.....
Nathan had a track meet today, and I wasn't able to go, and that made me sad.
But I was really happy for him - he got a new PR (personal record for non-sports people) in long-jump. He jumped 18'10" :D
That makes me really excited.
lol... it's kinda sad actually. When I did track last year, my long-jump PR was 10'.
......lol.
Anyways, I am kinda excited for tomorrow, because we have a cookie baking contest, and I am submitting Chocolate Oat Bars. My Mom's recipe. :)
I really hope I do well.
Maybe even 1st place. :D
lol
They are auctioning off all the cookies at the Ladies Tea Fundraiser for the school. :)
Well... That's about all for tonight.
That felt good to just write. I need to do this more often.... (train of thought trails off into the sunset....)

luvs!
~Kimbaby~

Me being a spoilt brat and complaining. Oh woe is me.

I am feeling... hmm... slightly frustrated, I suppose, is the best term at the moment.
I love my school, don't get me wrong. It's the best school I've ever gone to. I love the atmosphere, and the classes, and all the people there are really nice.
My problem is this: In such a small school (17 highschoolers total - including me) That I have no niche.
I had gone to the same school all the way through 7th grade, and always had lots of friends. They came and they went, but I never had a problem making new ones.
In 8th grade, however, I switched to Eugene Christian. My situation there that year is much like my current one.
All the current students had been friends since they were little, and while they didn't purposefully exclude me, they didn't think to include me.
That's the problem with small schools.
When I went to Springfield High at the beginning of last year, I easily made new friends, because it was big enough that if I wasn't easily able to make friends with people in one certain class, I still had 7 other class-fulls to search through.
Then when I switched to Lifegate, same basic problem as at Eugene Christian.
So, now I'm here.
The only major difference between Eugene Christian, Lifegate, and here, is that I fit in perfectly academically here. (aside from their torturous college-level grammar books - *shudder*)
All of the other highschoolers are friendly to me, and occasionally we talk, but no one seems to think about actually becoming *friends* with me. Like, the type that actually does stuff outside of school.
This never really bothered me for the first half of the year, because really, I have plenty of friends, the problem is that they live way too far away, but lately, it's really been getting to me.
They don't even really include me in their conversations.
If I happen to walk up and join they don't push me away or anything, but they don't ever start conversations with me unless it's asking for help on an assignment, or asking what the teacher said.
I wish desperately that some of my friends went to my school.
Every day I feel like an outsider to their happy little friends circle, and it hurts just a little bit.
I wish one of them would take an interest in actually getting to know me, finding out my story.
Half them don't even know I don't have a mom.
They all assume my aunt who drives me to and from school is my mom.
Most of the time that doesn't bother me, but when a spot gets poked enough, it gets a little sore...
I dunno...
I'm being too sensitive, but my situation makes me a bit more emotional about things.

When they look,
They don't see,
Who I am,
The real me,

To them I'm just,
Another girl,
Another face,
From another world,

Standing on the outside,
Always looking in,
Longing for inclusion,
To share their laughing grins,

Silently bearing heavy loads,
But no one thinks to ask,
Those whom that I daily see,
Don't know my heavy past.

Frustratedly,
Kimberly

Wild Horse Chase.

So..... Today I have been getting to know the neighbor's horses.
I met them yesterday when the horses got out and were eating our grass.
lol
They are... rather mischievous little ponies. :P
Today Katie (next-door neighbor) and I were petting them and getting to know them.
There are three of them - Onica, a mare, Misty, the other mare, and Liberty, the gelding, and "herd leader" of sorts.
Whatever that headstrong little rebel did/does, the other two follow.
Anyway, Onica took a special liking to Katie, and, much to my dismay, Liberty, (or as I now call him, Rebel) took a special liking to me.
That mischievous little guy kept trying his tricks with me.
Luckily I had become acquainted with a demon-horse named Lily who taught me every trick in the book - the hard way - so I escaped fairly unscathed for the most part.
When we went to leave, however, I unhooked the electric fence to get out, and the smart little buggers charged it!
And, surprise, surprise, guess who was in the lead?
None other than that rebel-horse. (exasperated sigh)
They ripped the wires right out of my hands!!!
It hurt!!!!
I lost all feeling in my fingers for awhile.
The escapees led us on a wild goose chase trying to catch them and put them back in their pen.
lol.
It was fun though.
.......Despite the fact that my fingers are now bruising.......
Ouch.

A note to a special person <3

A note to a special person:
I am beyond words when I think about you.
Every word you say, every look you give me, they make me feel more special, more loved, than I have ever felt before in my life.
You cannot imagine the profound impact you have had on my life.
I shake my head in disbelief that someone as incredible as you, would fall for someone as unimpressive and unimportant as me.
I treasure every moment we spend together.
I thank God that you are in my life.
Love, <3 Kimberly <3

Renewal

Let the rain fall down,
And wash me clean,
Cleanse my heart,
Let me be free,
From my broken past,
Myself renewed,
A new commitment,
That I'll be true,
Out of the dark,
And in in the light,
Now I see,
The black and white,
No longer blurred,
By shades of gray,
I see the truth,
And it's here to stay.

LIVE Life

Is it enough to live,
Is it enough to breathe,
To live life to its fullest,
What is it that we need?
Color outside the lines,
Live where no one else thinks,
Find out where your passions lie,
And take it to the brink,
Don't let life drag you down,
See the beauty in the everyday,
Seek until you find it,
And Strive to make a way,
Dance across the sunlight,
Float among the clouds,
love like you haven't been hurt,
And trust without any doubts.

Renewal

Let the rain fall down,
And wash me clean,
Cleanse my heart,
Let me be free,
From my broken past,
Myself renewed,
A new commitment,
That I'll be true,
Out of the dark,
I'm in the light,
Now I see,
The black and white,
No longer blurred,
By shades of gray,
I see the truth,
And it's here to stay.

wow.

Church tonight was amazing.Worship was so powerful.
I love it when I can truly get to that place where its just me and God, and everything else just disappears...
Sadly that doesn't happen as frequently as I wish it would.
I find myself distracted by the littlest things, pulling my attention away so it is no longer fully on God.
It annoys the heck outta me!!!
I realize it's happening yet even in realizing that the fact itself distracts me!
I get so frustrated sometimes...
Luckily, tonight wasn't one of them. :D
God's presence was so powerful, it was awe-inspiring... overwhelming...
I have been praying for a while now that God would renew my passion for him, because I had sort of fallen numb, doing the whole "Christian routine" rather than stepping out in faith. I hadn't been feeling that passionate connection I had known.
Tonight God finally answered that prayer, renewing my passion for his word, and for my relationship with him.
I praise God right now with all my heart, soul, and mind.
:D :D :D :D

God Bless Y'all :P
~Kimmy-Kat~

Nathan & I's joint Bible study begins. :)

So Nathan and I are starting a joint bible study.
We decided to read through one book of the Bible each week in our personal devotions, and at the end of each week we will spend some time together discussing what we read, what God was telling us through it, and about our spiritual lives, what we are struggling with etc.
This week we are going to read through Matthew.
If the trend continues i suppose we will just work our way through the New Testament.
Anyways...... yeah.....
I'm going to bed now. chau.
~Kimmy~
(btw I have many nicknames and I switch which one i use according to my mood so....)

Release

The music calls my name,
Flowing through my fingers,
Lyric, melody,
Wistful words that linger,
The quiet sounds of nature,
Fill my mind with peace,
I grab my pad of paper,
to feel that sweet release,
As the words flow freely,
From mind to hand to pen,
My mind soars in the stars,
From beginning to the end.

Okay, so..........

So I'm really new at this blogging stuff...
I've never been good at writing in anything regularly, so..... I'm not gonna promise I will.
This is a place for me to vent.
A place where I can write my poetry, rant about stuff..... whatever I feel like.
This blog, for me, is a place where I am going to show the real me.
That's sorta the significance of the name.
I'm showing who I am "behind my guarded eyes"
One thing I do ask is that nobody uses my poetry in anything without permission.
Poetry is my form of art, and as author of my poems, it really ticks me off when someone steals it from me. I am very protective of them. So... yeah please don't do that.
Anyways, here's to the beginning of my blog!
- Kimberly Nicole Smith