On This Sleepless Night

     In a couple of hours, it will have been exactly 5 years since my mom passed away from this earth and went to be with Jesus in heaven. On this sleepless night I reflect on how much has changed in those 5 long years. My life has gone down to the depths of despair, flown up to the heights of happiness, and hovered in every space between in those 5 years. I have truly known loss, but I have also truly known love - God's love, as well as the love of other human beings. I have turned down the wrong path and been brought back onto the right way by God's love, tender mercy, and unrelenting grace. I have experienced every emotion known to man it seems. And yet I am only 18. How can so short a time hold so much?
     In a time of reflection such as this, there are always the useless "what ifs" we human beings so often run ourselves mad dwelling upon. What if my mom had never died, never gotten cancer? Would I be anything like the person I am today? Would she be proud of me?  How would my life be different?
     And then there are also the regrets... Why did I never take the time to sit down with her and ask about all the things I can now never know? I will never hear the stories of how she was when she was my age, at least not from her perspective, nor hear her sage advice in all the things every teenage girl goes through - love, heartbreak, stress, pimples, drama, college applications, hormones..
     Such a loss is felt keenly by my tender, grieving heart, on this anniversary of my great loss. This night 5 years ago, I lost the woman who was the at the time, the center of my existence, the rock that kept me solid, the comfort when I was sad... I lost my mommy, so dear to my heart. This night, 5 years ago, my little girls heart was shattered, and it has never been the same since. Partially repaired at times, re-broken at times, and healed again by God's love, but it has never been nor ill it ever be the same innocent little girls heart that it once was. I can never regain the innocence of a heart that has never known true grief, true loss, true heartbreak. That imprint will remain on my heart forever until the day I see my Jesus face to face and am once again reunited with my loved ones in heaven. This is the hope I hold on to. God is my strength, my hope, my refuge. In Him alone I place my trust as my heart stops this night to once again grieve the absence of my mom whom I still love and miss so very much...

A single tear formed in my eye,
And fell upon my cheek,
My heart in grief let out a sigh,
In sorrow, frail and weak,

As that small tear wandered down,
And made its salty trail,
You couldn't hear the silent sound,
Of my hearts grief-stricken wail,

No, I keep my sorrow inside,
To spare you from my grief,
Only in God do I confide,
And there I find relief,

His loving hands do guide me,
And in his arms I'm safe,
He's standing right beside me,
He's with me all the way.