Dear Friends, Family, and Random People on the Internet,

Dear Friends, Family, and Random People on the Internet,

     I never really write letters.

     That’s a weird way to open a mission trip letter, but the truth is that I don’t write anyone letters, and if I opened up this letter by pretending this is just the latest in a long chain of correspondence I’ve kept up with each person I send this to, these oh so many years, that would feel as fake as when people run out of things to say and ask you questions like, “hot enough for you?” Wow, that was a really atrocious run on sentence, but I’m excited about this trip and I’m not going to let sentence structure stand in my way.

     The reason I am writing you this letter is because this coming January, I will be participating in a program called YWAM (Youth With A Mission) and going on a 6-month internship/missions trip in both Spain and North Africa. It is a great program and I am very excited to have the opportunity to be a part of it. I know that God is calling me to this program, and that He is going to change my life through the experiences I will have there.

     To be honest with you, there is just one problem. I don’t have the $9,000-$10,000 (cost including both parts of the trip plus travel expenses) it will take just laying around the house to pay for this life-changing experience God has called me to. So, instead of giving up the idea for lack of funds, I decided to send letters to people I don’t usually write to, and ask for something I don’t usually ask for - money. I’d love if you could financially support me on this missions trip. A little, a lot, anything would be great. And if you want to know more about the trip, please feel free to check out the website of the YWAM base I will be a part of. The web address is http://www.gosahara.org/

     Even if you can’t financially support me, I would greatly appreciate your prayers. As much as God loves mission trips, other people don’t. I’m sure there will be a whole host of obstacles that pop up and entangle themselves around my ankles as I fight to be a part of what God has called me to do. Knowing that you are praying would mean a lot to me.

Sincerely,

Kimberly Nicole Smith

Ache

This ache in my heart, so familiar,

That should not be so anymore,

Yet it shows up again, unexpected,

Like a knock at an old forgotten door,

My whole being rejects the very thoughts,

That sharpen this ache in my heart,

Memories flooding through my mind,

Tear my emotions apart,

Angry, I ball my fists in silence,

Unable to control my feelings,

I thought I was past this, over and done,

I went through the pain and the healing,

I suppose some remnants will always remain,

Faded scars, traces of the past,

But I pray that one day I'll forget what I forgave,

That the ache is an ache that won't last.

Love, Boundaries, and a 3-Part Relationship.

Love: It is exciting, adventurous, difficult, and sometimes just a little bit scary. Scratch that, sometimes it can be just plain terrifying. Yet we are drawn to it still. Why? It certainly isn't safe. Love involves risk, the possibility of being seriously hurt or wounded. Nor is it logical. It is harder to love than it is to remain indifferent. It is more difficult to show love to others than it is to show hate or an other emotion. Yet we are drawn to it still. Why?
Because God made us to love; God made us for love. We were made to love and be loved by Him. We were made to partake in the exciting, difficult, thrilling, terrifying adventure of love with Him as well as with one another.
The problem is that sin has twisted this wonderful, pure, exciting adventure into something that can be unhealthy, harmful, or damaging to the soul. Hearts are given away too soon in an unsafe way, lines are crossed physically outside of the safety of marriage, priorities get mixed up terribly, and it ends in pain, heartbreak, and deep wounds that leave scars forever on our souls.
So in all of this is there really a way to have a pure, godly relationship with the opposite sex? God has been showing me it is indeed possible, though it is harder than I had ever dreamt it would be. There is one big word that makes that kind of relationship possible. It is a word that brings both feelings of safety and feelings of frustration: boundaries. 
Boundaries can come in many different ways. The Bible is full of boundaries (like the ten commandments) that God set for our own good and safety. The government has boundaries in the form of laws, rules, and regulations, also set in order to keep us safe, such as health codes, and laws against murder.
In the same way, in a godly relationship it is imperative to set specific boundaries to keep both people involved as safe as possible from crossing the wrong lines physically or emotionally that could end up harming them. There is always some risk involved in a relationship, but setting boundaries can save you a lot of guilt and heartache.
These boundaries often involve limiting time spent together, subjects that are discussed, and physical boundaries. All three boundaries work together to protect both people. Crossing emotional and physical boundaries often directly correlates to how much time is spent together and what subjects are freely discussed. 
Right about now I bet you are thinking these three boundaries are what I was referring to in the title when I said 'a 3-Part Relationship'. If you are thinking that, however, you would be wrong. (smile)
In your mind, think of a picture that shows a relationship. I bet you pictured two people, maybe holding hands or cuddling. A healthy, pure, godly relationship, however, involves not just two people, but three. 
In a sermon I once heard about relationships, the pastor described a healthy relationship like an ever-shrinking equilateral triangle. The two people at each bottom corner, and God at the top corner. As the two people grow closer to God, they grow closer to each other, each side keeping pace with the others, keeping the triangle perfectly equal, in perfect balance. Each person must be in the same place in their relationship with God in order to become closer to the other person.

I love that picture because it speaks of perfect balance and harmony. In real life this is difficult, if not near-impossible to achieve, but it is certainly something to strive towards, and a picture to keep you in check so that the triangle doesn't fall out of balance.
This is what God has been teaching and showing me lately, and it is certainly something I will strive for in my own life. In the Bible it says to "seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you" so I know that in seeking God and his heart first, everything else will fall into place. It always seems to happen that way whenever I am truly seeking God. 
I am grateful every day for the wonderful, amazing, loving, forgiving God that I love and serve. He teaches me new things every day, opens my eyes to the beauty of the world around me, and I can always feel how He delights in me when I follow him with all my heart. My Jesus is more than just my Lord, Savior and Redeemer. He is my loving Father, my Best Friend, My most trusted Confidant, my Defender and Protector, and my First True Love. Words cannot even begin to express or do justice to what my God is to me. His love never fails, even when I do. His forgiveness and mercy never runs out, even though I have rejected him again and again. He is always faithful to take me back again the very second I repent and ask forgiveness. His grace is more than sufficient to cover my flaws and his strength to work through my weakness. When I can't go on, he can.When a task is too great for me, it is never too great for him. When my load becomes too heavy for me to bear, he carries it for me. 
My Jesus is My Everything.

Change.

Change. The word bring many mixed feeling for me. It can be scary, exciting, sad, happy, heartbreaking, painful, refreshing, and a million other things. Change means life is different than it was before. Change means things move forward, it means things don't stay the same as you have always known them to be.
Change is scary. Change isn't safe. But change can also be a very good thing, as it often is.
I just recently graduated. This is a huge change for me. Things will no longer be as they have been for me for the last 4 years of high school. I am no longer a high school student; I becoming a real am an adult now, with corresponding responsibilities. I am in a transition phase where I get to figure out who I want to become, and what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I look out at my life and I see a blank slate. You would think that that would be an encouraging and inspiring thing, and it is, but it is more scary than anything. Yes, I see all the good possibilities of things in my future, but I also see all the possibilities for all the mistakes, and I am sure I will make many.
It is at times like these where I become ever grateful to know that I can depend on God, knowing that He has a perfect plan for me and my life. I see a blank a slate staring at me, ominous and overwhelming. God sees His plan unfolding for me. He knows each step, each turn, even each mistake, and how He will work it all together for good. Knowing this gives me an unexplainable peace in my spirit, even as my flesh is still panicking.
Another recent change in my life is that I am now in a relationship with wonderful, godly young man. I'm not going to name him for the sake of privacy because this is posted publicly on the internet. Regardless, he is a very kind, sweet, and caring young man. This is a change I am very excited about, and I very much looking forward to seeing what the Lord will do with this relationship in the future.
We have known each other for a couple years now, and have become much closer friends over the last 9 months or so. Close enough that I count him among the select few I call my best and closest friends. The fact that we have had such a strong friendship before entering a romantic relationship, and the fact that we both share a strong faith in God and have personal relationship with Him, gives me great hope for our future together.
As exciting as this change is though, in this sort of change there is always a great risk. I am scared and cautious as I enter these new waters. Our relationship is unlike anything I have ever encountered, and I know that the farther I go into this, the more of my heart I am risking. At the beginning I panicked, but I am learning to control the fear and take the risk, because I believe God has a plan for this relationship.  Even if it ends, God has healed my heart from heartbreak before, and I know He will be faithful to it again if this ends that way. And if it doesn't, I will be blessed many times over for taking the risk.

Change... The word hold a lot of weight, and a million different emotions. But in life, it is inevitable.

The "Good Christian Woman"

All Christian women live in the shadow of the infamous "Proverbs 31 Woman". She does everything right,  works late into the night and rises early each day, all her children love and obey her, all her words are wise, she always has a home cooked meal on the table, she is soft-spoken and submissive to her husband and authority, and she never has a hair out of place. All I can say is... How exhausting! Quite frankly, I don't think there is one woman alive who could live up to the standards she sets. Or at least, if they did they could hardly be happy.

One thing I have learned lately, is that no matter how hard I try, I cannot fit the mold of the stereotypical "Good Christian Woman". I don't always have my hair in place or my homework done. I'm often late or forgetful about important things. I don't read my Bible every single day and I sometimes forget to pray before I eat. I am not quiet or reserved. I can't hold back how I feel or hide it at all, nor can I seem to easily quench the flood of words that always beg to flow from my lips. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am too loud and I get excited easily. I love to talk and be in the middle of the action. I am always busy and doing something. I love to be around people and I am a very "huggy" person. "Reserved" is one of the last words anyone would use to describe me.

For the longest time this bothered me. I have tried to make myself be the traits I thought would make me that "Good Christian Woman". I wanted to be able to fit that mold. But I don't. No matter how much I would try, after a certain amount of time, I would break. I couldn't go against the grain of how God made me.

What God has been teaching me lately, is that I don't have to fit that mold to be a godly young woman. I can be me, the me He made me to be, and still search after His heart. I can be too loud, forgetful, and too open with my emotions, and He will still love me. I can even be seen as a godly young woman by others while still being me and not fitting the stereotype. I can exhibit the godly characteristics of a "Good Christian Woman" through my own personality in my own way. My way will not look the same as another woman's, but that doesn't make it wrong, just different, because God made me different.

Sometimes this is still difficult for me to fully accept. My brain will often wander to the land of, "but what do young men think of how I am? What are they looking for in a wife?" But it is then that God always reminds me that the man he has chosen for me will love me for who I am, not what I may try to be. Yet it is difficult to keep from subconsciously conforming to what I may believe young men might look for in a young woman, simply out of my deep-rooted desire to be loved and desired. It is a battle I constantly have with myself.

Slowly I am learning how to accept who God made me to be, and to sort out what is me, and what is the influence of society and expectations. It is certainly an interesting but painstaking process. I will continue to learn, however, and be better off for it in the end. 

Another Aspect of Love

I recently read a quote by C.S. Lewis that said "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."

I know I have posted about love multiple times before, but to me, love is a subject that has no limit of different aspects that can be touched on and talked about, so I choose to yet again write about it. =]

What C.S. Lewis said is true in the purest sense. True love, real love, is not based on feelings or emotions, but the desire for the ultimate good of the other person. Love is a choice to put another's needs or wants before our own; to put their well-being in priority over our own well-being or comfort. 

Man people understand this concept to an extent. They say things like "I would take a bullet for this person" and other similar things. What they say may or may not be true, and it is not that I want to discount that sentiment, because it is a noble one. Jesus himself said "There is no greater love than this; that a man would lay his life down his friend." The point I want to make, however, is though we may feel like we would lay down our lives for someone, would we lay down our personal desires in respect for theirs? Would we be willing to compromise on mundane, daily little things of little importance, if it is ultimately for the good of the other person? So many fights and squabbles are about the silliest and most trivial of things, so are we willing to compromise on such things in order to keep the peace and for the good of the relationship?

Another aspect of this concept, focuses on the ultimate good of the other person. I have personally had to make many hard decisions for the ultimate good of people I love. I have had to cut off friendships and relationships, and tell some very difficult truths. All of these things proved incredibly painful, for both me and others involved, but the pain was only temporary, and the person was always better off in the long run. God has had to challenge me to trust him with the long run, especially when it doesn't seem like it will be a good thing in the end, and without fail, every time it has been for the better when it was something God told me to do.

If we truly love someone and care about them deeply, often God will ask you to give that person up to Him ; to trust Him with their well-being and future, and release any claim you have on them. This can be a painful thing, whether it is a friendship, a relationship, or even simply the hope of a future relationship. The challenge is to trust God that He knows best, and He has a plan "to prosper you, and not to harm you". And in the end, if we truly trust god, and love that person, we will do it. It may not be pleasant, painful even, and it may deny our every personal desire, but if you truly care for someone, you will do what is best for them, regardless of what might be best for you.

Looking back over this blog, I realize that I have repeated myself a lot, but I choose to leave it as it is, because I believe this is such an important concept that is overlooked or discounted in our society today. I hope that maybe this will provoke thoughts from everyone who reads it, and those thoughts will turn into loving actions. =]

Heart On My Sleeve

When will my stupid heart learn? When will I realize that life doesn't miraculously work out like a movie, and that reality is that every time I let myself pretend that it might be, all that happens is that I get hurt?
I keep bruising my heart over and over, tearing it out and grinding into the dust in the name of hope and optimism. Out of desire to love and be loved.
I have always worn my heart too much on my sleeve. I have never been one to hold back what I feel or think, or suppress my emotions out of caution. I find myself doing these things more than ever, but not enough. I let myself dream, I let myself believe for the best, but lately all that has brought me is pain and disappointment in waves.
I don't want to become a hard person. I don't want to become guarded and mistrustful, or callous to my own emotions. I don't want to have a hard heart or put up walls. But I also don't want to hurt anymore. I am sick of trusting too easily and having that trust broken. I am tired of opening up my heart and daring to hope only to have those hopes crushed and my heart bruised once again.
I go to God again and again with these thoughts and feelings, yet still I have no answer as to how I am supposed to protect myself, without becoming the very thing that is so opposite of who I am. It is not part of my personality to be closed and overly reserved. It is not within my nature to be mistrustful and hard-hearted. Yet these are the natural human defense mechanisms.
My heart is aching. All I desire is to love and be loved. I desire to be close to someone and share the deepest parts of my heart. I long to be open without fear of rejection. I just want to love...
Of course I know I have God. I know He loves me and I love Him. I fear no rejection, and can be open in the deepest parts of my heart. This is wonderful and nothing could replace my relationship with God because it is everything to me.
Yet still... something in me still longs to have another human being with whom to share this with. One whom shares my faith and my love for God... Someone to be my best friend for the rest of my life, whom I can share the joys and sorrows of life with. So deeply does my heart long that it has become a constant dull ache in the background of my heart.
Today all I simply pray is that God will give me wisdom in this struggle, and guide me in His plan for my life.

Poetry, Poetry, Poetry. =]

What I know of me, myself and I,
Amounts to more than meets the eye,
The depths that others cannot see,
I cannot hide myself from me,


My actions and my motives known,
To me and He on Heavens throne,
So to my heart I must be true,
Fully genuine, through and through,


So that I, my own respect may earn,
Or under guilty conscience burn,
I desire to hold my head high in truth,
Shed the facades of my deceitful youth,


For I cannot live with myself, be sure,
If I know my motives are not pure,
So that if my actions should come to light,
I can know that my heart was true and right.


--


This weight is pressing, crushing down,
Stress without reason or rhyme,
I feel a mild panicked sensation,
Growing slowly in the back of my mind,


Apprehensive without just cause,
Tightening in my chest,
More difficult to concentrate,
With every shallow breath,


An overwhelming fog descends,
Clouding up my thoughts,
A suffocating, invisible enemy,
That cannot be seen or fought.


--


My heart is heavy, dearest,
So often do I sigh,
For want to see that look,
Of tender longing in your eyes,


Slow and tired are my steps,
Of waiting I grow weary,
Like waiting for the sun,
In this weather, grey and dreary,

Stuck.

Lately I have been feeling stuck.. Stuck, and overwhelmed.
I have so many friends who are going through tough situations right now, and I want so badly to help them all, but I can't. There are too many, and not enough of me.. It seems like even when I have an opportunity, and I try to help, it doesn't even make much of a difference.... Like pushing up against a brick wall... Sure, you're doing something, but it doesn't mean the wall is going to budge an inch.
I don't know what to do.. I try to pray every night for all of them, but there are so many, that either I pray a "blanket prayer" and feel like I cheated, or I fall asleep before I can pray for each one individually.
I try so hard to do everything I feel like I should be doing, and I pray for God to give me the strength to do them, but somehow... It's like there is never enough time... And I get so overwhelmed it makes me want to just ignore it all... And et I can't, because my heart breaks for each person and their struggles..
I am just so utterly exhausted. I don't know how Paul or any of the other apostles did it! I try so hard to give my burdens over to God, but they keep dragging at my shoulders, again and again. Often they aren't even my burdens, but the burdens I carry in my heart for each of my friends and all they are going through.
I feel like I am failing... I can't handle this on my own, so I try to ask God to help me through... Yet often I still feel like I'm about to collapse under this great weight on my shoulders...
What am I doing wrong?
I feel like I am not good enough.. Not strong enough... Not beautiful or talented enough.. And I know they are lies from the pit of Hell, but yet I cannot help but feel like there is some truth to them..
Everywhere I turn it seems like I am inadequate.
I'm not talented enough to pursue music beyond a local scope.. I'm not even good enough on guitar to lead kids worship by myself.. I know I could be... but I feel like I'm stuck when it comes to that... like I have plateaued in my musical skill, and I am as good as I will be able to get unless I devote my life to it, which I have neither te time nor the desire to do so completely.
I'm not strong enough to bear this weight with a joyful attitude like I should... I too often get easily discouraged by the smallest things.. All these little things pile up so quickly and hold me back from all that i could accomplish.
I'm not beautiful enough to catch the eye of any guy I would actually be interested in.. (though apparently every other guy seems to notice when I would rather they didn't.... That makes things complicated) I know that this shouldn't be an issue, because the man God has planned for me will obviously notice me.. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't lower my self-esteem when a guy who I might be interested in doesn't give me a second thought in that way.
I'm not disciplined enough to do everything I am expected to do, by my family, by my teachers at school.. Even by myself. I know there are so many things I should be capable of doing, but I lack the organization or motivation to do them.
All these "not good enough's" weigh down on me, make me feel heavy and depressed.. I try so hard to give them up to God, or to ignore them, but still they plague me, nipping at my heels like hungry wild dogs... They wait for me to break down, so they can overwhelm me even more...
I don't know where to go from here, except to continue to pray... And hope that things will change for the better, soon.

Poetry. (again)

The majesty of Your wonders,
Flows down like a ruler's train,
Filling the world with Your splendor,
And the glory of Your reign,

Only a taste of the celestial,
And my heart longs for much more,
For the day that victory will fill Your house,
And we will be with you forevermore,

Oh how I long to be with You,
To sit at Your feet in peace,
Bathed in the light of Your mercy,
Pain to forever cease,

Oh for the hands on the clock to spin fast,
Hurry each day to the end,
When suffering and sorrow will be no more,
And every wound shall mend,

Lord please do not condemn me,
For wishing my time away,
For 'tis only in sweet longing,
For that final, glorious day.

----

My heart lets out a heavy sigh,
No longer surprised by pain,
It adds another brick to its wall,
Tired of playing games,

Cynicism slowly overtakes,
Another corner of my heart,
Saying love is only in fairy tales,
To give up, and be smart,

I am an eternal optimist,
Drowned in pessimistic thought,
Empty-handed at every turn,
For a sign of whom I sought,

Oh, for another soul to love,
A warm, strong hand to hold,
To love and be loved by another,
Would be far more precious than gold,

To find the other half to my heart,
The rhythm to my rhyme,
I've waited and I'm waiting,
Such a long and painful time,

Lord, I know you have a plan,
But I'm plagued by doubt and fear,
Apathy is poisoning me,
Numb without a tear,

My heart retracts in distrust,
Not wanting yet to feel,
I do not want my heart to be hard,
But how, without hurting, can I be real?

50 Things I Want to Do Before I Die

This is my list of 50 things I want to do before I die. Some things are big things, other things are small ones. Some are goals, some are dreams. Some are temporay, some are more long-term. 

Regardless, this is a list, in no particular order, of 50 things I want to do before I die.

This is my bucket list.

1. Tour Europe

2. Get married

3. Raise kids

4. Get my degree

5. Meet Gianna Jessen

6. Get kissed in the pouring rain (after I'm engaged, by my fiance)

7. Go to Israel, and walk the paths Jesus walked

8. Perform some of my own material in front of a large crowd

9. Read 100 classic novels

10. Help someone I really dislike with a true heart behind it

11. Attend a real ball, with gowns and dancing and everythig

12. Go on a trip to the Grand Canyon

13. See Niagara Falls in person

14. Do a short-term missions trip in Africa

15. See a triple rainbow

16. Lie in the sand on a WARM beach

17. Ride horses on the beach

18. Go camping for real, out in the woods.

19. See something truly magical

20. Go to a wine tasting on my 21st birthday… just for the experience

21. Go to the South and taste real southern cooking

22. Be part of a disaster relief effort in a foreign country

23. Lay under the stars all night during a meteor shower

24. Ride on a motorcycle

25. Hike a real mountain

26. Meet the band members from Skillet

27. Meet/talk with Britt Nicole

28. Write something that impacts people in a deep way

29. Write and finish an entire book

30. Invent something useful

31. Save someone’s life

32. Witness a true miracle

33. See a live wolf close-up

34. Make a stranger smile

35. Dance in the middle of the street, at night, under a streetlamp, in the pouring rain

36. Swim with the dolphins

37. Be in a major film in some form, even as an extra

38. Ride an elephant

39. Go on a road trip across America

40. Go on every single rollercoaster at a six flags

41. Go scuba diving off of a major reef

42. Climb to the top of the statue of liberty

43. See the pyramids in person

44. (when I am married) To be able to make my husbands jaw drop - literally

45. Build a giant, elaborate sandcastle

46. Build the perfect tree house

47. Do something completely reckless and not care.

48. Go on a rafting trip down a river

49. Memorize an entire book of the Bible

50. Fly in a helicopter.

A Pile of Poetry.

So... It has been quite a while since I have posted last... So a bunch of poetry had accumulated in my notebooks. There were so many that I kind of just dumped them all on here, not even bothering to sort them by category etc... Thus my title, "A Pile of Poetry". I hope you enjoy my rather random collection. =]

Every time I fall down,
You pick me up again,
No matter what I say or do,
You're here through thick and thin,

How many times have I broken Your heart?
Been distracted, walked away?
But on my knees, You're reminding me,
That Your love is here to stay.

---

I feel like a phony, an actor, a fake,
I try so hard to be real, but it's a feeling I can't shake,

I know all the right words to say,
How to act and what to do,
But my life is just a worthless facade,
If my heart isn't true,

I need You to show me who I am,
I'm confused and I'm lost, and I just don't understand,
But no matter what happens I will trust in You,
'Cause Lord, You are the only source of truth.

---

I just can't get you out of my mind,
I don't know what to do,
Try and try again as I might,
I can't stop thinking about you,

Your eyes, your voice, your smile, your laugh,
They captivate my heart,
I look away and blush,
Because I'm feeing something start,

You're everything I've ever dreamt of,
Handsome, smart, and kind,
I can't help but wonder, wish and dream,
That someday you might be mine,

I don't want to rush; just take it slow,
Maybe things aren't what they seem,
But in my heart I can't help hoping,
That it's more than a wishful dream.

---

There will come a day when I will meet,
The angel death; parting so sweet,
Cast off my flesh, to sleep eternal,
My spirit rise, renewed and vernal,

And on that day my eyes will see,
My Savior clothed in power and glory,
Be swept up in His loving embrace,
And through tears of joy, I will know His face.

---

I surrender at the cross,
Where I lay my burdens down,
I give You all I am Lord,
I'm laying own my crown,

Everything I have is Yours,
Alone to give and take,
I surrender all m own desires,
As You did for my sake,

Guide my mouth to speak Your words,
To do Your work, my hands,
I want to follow You alone,
I surrender to Your plans.

---

Let Your wind blow,
Wind of Your power,
Blow away all impurity,
Let Your wind blow,
Wind that bring hope,
Let faith rise inside of me,

Lord you are faithful,
Your word never fails,
And I will trust in You,
I'm caught in Your mercy,
And saved by Your grace,
There are none who compare to You,

---

I want to rest in You,
Lord, draw me close, draw me in,
I need to feel Your love,
Hold me in Your arms again,

I want to lay my head against Your chest,
Hear Your heart, feel You breathe,
Just to be closer to you, Lord,
Is all that I need,

Let Your peace like a river,
Wash away my pain and fear,
Lord draw me to Your heart,
I want to feel You near,

Guide me by Your hand,
And never let me go,
Help me keep my eyes on You,
So that I can know,

Ever time I fall away from You,
My world falls apart,
I know that life is better,
When I am where You are.

---

When will my foolish heart learn,
That to risk is to hurt and break,
Yet still it cries and yearns,
Lord, what do I do with this ache?

'Cause I don't want to hurt again,
But I can't control my heart,
No matter what I say it won't listen,
It's like it wants to fall apart,

How much more will it take,
How many times must my heart break,
Before I learn to look before I leap,
Lord I'm trying to wait on Your time,
But it's hard not to look for an end to this rhyme,
Lord, i feel so out of control, I need Your peace,

I can't seem to stay in one place,

Been running a million miles around,

Lord draw my eyes back to your face,

Slow me down, please slow me down,

I know that all I need is You,
So why won't my heart be still?
Lord show me the way that is right and true,
Keep me in the center of Your will.

---

I'll sit in the middle of the night,
Bathed in daylight,
I'll stand out in the pouring rain,
To feel the sweetness of this pain,
'Cause all I really want to do is feel your fingertips on my cheek,
As I lose myself in the warmth of your eyes,

When all the shadows of the day,
Invade your thoughts at night,
And neon pictures overwhelm you,
With their light that shines too bright,
Just remember all the things that have been said,
And lose yourself in the color of the sky.

---

Poem of a Future Psychology Major

I wonder when you look at me,
What is it that you really see?
The words I say, the things I do,
Do you see me the way I see you?

Guy/Girl Friendships...

I am such a hypocrite. I both love and hate the phrase "just friends". I love being just friends with all the guys in my life. It gives me freedom to hang out with them and just chill without all the drama. Guys are kind of awesome like that. It's probably why I have a ton more guy friends than girl friends. Less drama, less stress, just hanging out and chilling.
The problem comes up when emotions get involved on either end. If a guy friend falls for me and i don't feel the same way, "hanging out" becomes stressful and tense. And if I fall for one of my guy friends... It makes me just a little miserable inside when we hang out because all that we will ever be is "just friends". So no matter which side it happens on, when emotions get involved, guy/girl friendships can kind of suck.

I don't know how to handle it when this happens. How can I still stay friends with a guy I know likes me in a different way than I like him? I become paranoid about the things I do or say, because I don't want to lead him on, but it hurts the friendship in the end... And how can I stay friends with a guy that i am falling for, especially when I know he doesn't feel the same way? It becomes a catch 22. I want to talk to him all the time because I like him and want to know him better, but then when I do it becomes painful knowing that nothing will ever happen, so it makes me want to avoid him altogether. Again, in the end it damages the friendship.
So guy/girl friendships are either incredibly amazing and awesome, or they make you feel like crap. The only question is, when is it worth it? When is even the pain or awkwardness worth keeping the relationship? And if it is, how do you handle it?
I just don't know. In the end all I can do is pray and ask God's wisdom and guidance. Only He knows the plan He has for my life, after all is said and done... But in the meantime... It can still kind of suck.

No Title Describes This One. Hah.

Why can't I be content? I am so blessed... I have a wonderful, amazing, supportive family who loves me..... incredible friends who God has always brought into my life in His perfect timing... a good school where I am doing well.... I have food, water, shelter, clothing, and many extra things that aren't even essentials.
I should be happy, content. I should be be a better person than I am. I should be able to do better. I shouldn't feel discontented.... I have every material advantage I could need. So why does my heart still ache?
I want to have someone to love. I want my someone, the one I will have for the rest of my life. I want to know who it is. I want so very badly to have a man who will hug me all the time, and whisper in my ear that I am beautiful and he loves me... I long for this so badly it aches in my very soul...
I know it is not yet God's timing, because obviously, there is not even a man in my life right now. I'm not even dating anyone. Since I know it isn't God's timing, I have asked Him to take this desire from me until it is His timing, but yet my heart aches still....
I fear... I fear that I want this so badly I might give my hear away too easily.... That I will give it away to the wrong person and be hurt again... It makes me close my heart off, yet I still struggle to maintain a balance between guarding my heart, yet still keeping it soft, not letting my heart go hard and cold...
It is so difficult, it is painful.
I am also struggling between being honest and open, and being too transparent, giving everything away.
I want so badly to be approachable, fun, someone who is enjoyable to spend time with. But... I also want to be completely honest, even when it hurts. I don't want to wear a mask. I don't want to pretend to be someone I am not, yet how do I do that without making others uncomfortable, or putting them off?
Frankly, right now I am struggling with simply discovering more of who God made me to be. I have a very  loud and overwhelming personality, and I'm trying to learn how to tone it down without being untrue to who I am.
I just feel so..... inadequate. I'm not good enough, not strong enough, not kind enough, not selfless enough, not giving enough, not disciplined enough... I'm too emotional, too loud, too needy, too touchy, too open, too physical, too technical, too much....
I know I am not alone in these feelings. I have sat and listened to so many women echo these very same sentiments. I have been a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen countless times as I have heard stories of pain. heartbreak, inadequacy, and confusion. I have seen the tears and heard all these lies that we as women hear... and the worst part is? We believe them. Even those of us who know it isn't true, those who cling to the Word of God, and all it says about how we are beautiful, cherished, loved... We twist it. We hold ourselves up against God's standards, and say "I'm not good enough. How can God love me when I don't reach the standards God has set? How can anyone love me?"
We set double standards. We always think of ourselves as inadequate, while always giving others the benefit of the doubt, and more grace than we give ourselves. Even worse than that? We compare ourselves to those around us.

"If only I had her sense of style."


"If only I could cook as well as her."


"I wish I had her hair."


"If only I could be as organized as her."

Sound familiar?  And whether we consciously think it or not, each of these statements ends with "Maybe then I could be good enough. Maybe then someone could love me."

These are the lies and deceptions we believe. Even Christian culture, actually, especially Christian culture, feeds these lies. The lies that we aren't good enough.
But as I look deeper into the Word of God, this isn't the message I find. The message I do find, in fact, is quite different - that God loves us where we are. We don't have to reach a standard for him to love us. We don't have to have a certain amount of "church service points" or say the "right words". In fact, He loves us the same whether we are a great missionary, or a street walker. Not because He doesn't appreciate and delight in us when we serve him, but simply because He loves us so much He can't love us any more - because His love knows no boundaries. It goes on for forever.
We are His children. We are "fearfully and wonderfully made" by Him. He knew us before we existed. He knew every breathe we would take before we took out first. He knows every detail about us, things we don't even know ourselves, because He loves us that much. He loves us enough to shape every detail in our being. Not a single person on this earth was a mistake or accident. We were each made specially by Him for a purpose.

I have heard so many people ask "If there really is a loving God, why is there so much pain and death in the world?" This is used as an excuse to ignore God, to justify not believing that He exists. An excuse to go on doing the very things that cause all the pain, suffering and death in this world. But since God doesn't exist, you don't have to feel bad, right?
The thing about love, is that it isn't simply a feeling - it is a choice. So when God made us, He wanted us to love Him as He loves us. Therefore, he had to give us a choice. A choice to trust Him, love Him, or a choice to reject Him. It is the fact that time and time again, humanity rejects God that causes the pain and suffering in the world. It is Newton's Law - For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Another phrase I hear often is "If God really loves us, he won't send us to Hell."
Again, this is a sad common misconception. God doesn't want to send us to Hell. Hell was not even created for us - it was created for Satan. But when Adam and Eve sinned and were cast out of the garden, They were separated from God. God didn't want to be separated from them forever, which is why death was allowed into the world. That way, humanity had a choice. In their short lifetime, they could choose to turn to God, love Him, and live for Him, or they could reject Him. At the end of each of our lives we will simply follow out that choice. Those of us who live for our God and Savor will go to be with Him forever. Those who don't will be cut off from God for eternity - that's what Hell is. Hell is dying a thousand painful deaths for eternity with no hope, no joy, no life - because everything good comes from God, and Hell is being cut off from God for eternity.
God loves each of us dearly, and longs for each of us to turn and live for Him. He cries out to us saying "Choose me, my child, choose what is better." 
God does not want us to be cut off from Him. He created us to love and be loved by Him. But you see, the thing is, God is the embodiment of perfection, and sin and error can not stand to be in the presence of perfection. That is why God sent his Son down to earth to bear our sins on the cross. That way, by accepting His forgiveness and repenting from our old life, we can be in His presence, and one day go to be with Him forever. This doesn't mean when you become a Christian you become perfect - far from it. It just mean you have been forgiven. It means that on judgement day, Christ will stand in the gap and say "I have taken this child's place. I bore their sin, their punishment."


I long to share these truths.... For that matter, I long to know and believe them deeper in my own heart. I still struggle, and I don't understand most of the time, but that's okay. 
To quote comedian Brad Stine "I don't want a God that I can understand. Let me put it to you like this: If the Creator of the Universe's intellect is equal to MINE, you all are in for a world of hurt."

Hmmm... =]

Wondering, waiting, wishing,
In the background of my mind,
An intriguing little mystery,
Amidst the daily grind,

Ever cautious with my heart,
Guarded by a wall,
Fortified by pain and tears,
Because I'm scared to fall,

I don't want to hurt again,
Or cause you any pain,
My heart longs to believe in love,
But I'm slow to trust again.

So forgive me if I pull back,
Or if I move too fast,
I'm just trying to figure myself out,
And I'm scared that this won't last,

I'm waiting, praying, trusting,
That God will have His way,
Trying to see the black and white,
That's blurred with shades of grey.

--------

Truest love is not time's fool,
Does not fade with time,
A burning ember, glowing hot,
Enduring, will not die,

Sparks enamor, but soon are gone,
Flames of passion reduce to ash,
But trust and respect feed the heart,
Of a love that is made to last,

Absolution.

Lord, do not let bitterness,
Take root inside of me,
Heal my broken, hurting heart,
Open my eyes to see,

Do not let my heart be hard,
Help me to forgive,
Teach me how to love again,
So I can truly live,

I do not want to let the past,
Define who I will be,
Lord, please help me to let go,
And let myself be free,

I'm looking forward, moving on,
No more will I regret,
Smile because it happened,
Then forgive and forget,

This is my song of absolution,
It's over, said and done,
My heart has finally found its peace,
In the arms of the Risen Son.

Hope Chest

I often find it difficult to cope with the aching loneliness I feel in my heart from time to time. It is a feeling I know will never truly go away until I am married someday. In the meantime, however, I have recently discovered some new, slightly unusual, ways to ease the ache.

Whenever life has gotten overwhelming, and the feeling of loneliness begins to become unbearable, I do several things.

The first thing I do, is make a conscious decision to give the desires of my heart over to God, and I pray that He would give me the strength to do so, and ask for His peace and comfort. When I truly make that decision, God never fails to give me His peace and strength. Hiss faithfulness is never-ending. When I am able, I also often pull out my guitar, and sing songs of praise and worship to my amazing God.

Another thing that I do, is I write. For a long time now, whenever I am having trouble praying, I would write out my prayer. I would write to God. I always seem to able to organize my thoughts through writing even when I can't in any other way.

All of these things above I have done for quite a while now. Recently though, I have begun to do something that is a little different. Of course I still do all of the things I have always done, but I have also begun to write letters. Letters to my future husband.

I am trying to make sure I always go to God first, of course. God is my hope, my strength, and my everything. But after I talk to God, if I feel like I still need someone to talk to, I write these letters.

In these letters I have begun to pour out my heart and soul. I express my love for the man whom I may or may not have met yet, but whom one day I will marry, and live my life with until the day I die. In these letters I am completely unguarded and vulnerable with my heart. I express my dreams, fears, frustrations, and weaknesses. I talk of both the joy and the pain in my life. I talk of my past, and my hope for the future.

And it feels so good. I know that all they are is unread letters right now, but it helps my heart to be at rest knowing that one day a man whom truly cares for me deeply will read them and see my heart for what it is.

At the public school that I take a class at right now, I am going to take wood shop once a week now. In that class my project is going to be a wooden chest. That chest is going to be my hope chest. When it is finished it will contain all my dearest possessions. The things I have from my mom, my favorite childhood books, all my scrap-booking things that I have been collecting, my old diaries, old writing notebooks... And these letters. All of these things I will save in this chest to remind me of the joys of the past, and the hope I have in the Lord for my future.

Skepticism and Walls

I think I am turning into a skeptic when it comes to love...
It's not that I am skeptical that it exists - I know it does. I see it every day, and I am sincerely happy for those people truly lucky enough to have true love. The thing I am beginning to be skeptical about is that I might ever find anything that beautiful. I feel like true love is a one-time chance type of thing, and I blew the one chance I had. It would almost feel selfish to wish for another chance with someone else.
I know this isn't the case - God has an amazing plan for my life, and I know he has a beautiful love story planned out for me... My heart is just so lonely right now... And the lonelier my heart feels, the closer I guard it, afraid I will make a wrong decision based on emotions. I fear I will be my own undoing. I will guard my heart so close, no man will want to go to the trouble of climbing over all my walls, and breaking down my defenses... Because honestly, I'm afraid to love again. I'm afraid to hurt again. I'm afraid I will choose wrong and have my heart broken again, this time beyond repair.
I have allowed myself to entertain shallow thoughts about several young men in my acquaintance, but I have never let my vague wishes and sighs to ever get past the surface with a single one. I am such an outgoing and emotionally open person naturally, I cannot have walls up on the outside. It would go against the essence of who I am. But it also makes it even easier to hide the fact that I have some very core-solid walls up when you go just a tad deeper.
Inside right now, I feel like a lonely little girl who needs a hug but is too scared to ask anyone, for fear of getting rejected and hurt. The piece of my heart reserved for relationships of the romantic nature is scarred, tough, protected.. and surrounded by wall after emotional wall... The rest of my heart, too, is guarded, but not nearly so well as that piece... Yet people don't realize it at all.
I am type-casted, especially by family members, to be as I was in my early youth. Happy, cheerful, loving without holding back, overly outgoing, and heart-on-my-sleeve. Perhaps this is still true to a point, but in my core I am forever altered from the carefree child I once was. My mom's death changed me. Having my heart broken changed me. I am a much more quiet, serious, deep individual than I was then, at least on the inside...
I hope one day I will find a man who is willing to take the time to dig deeper and find that other side of me. A man who will climb my walls and pursue me... A man who will make me feel valuable and loved, the way God tells me I am. I just hope when I do, I will learn how to trust again, love again....

I Care Too Much.. But I Don't Care Enough.

You know what my problem is? I care too much.
I care about what people think, I care about what is going on around me, I care about looking nice [or about the fat that sometimes I don't] I care about making people happy, I care about what I do and do not have.... I just care too darn much!!!!
You know what my other problem is? I don't care enough.
I don't care enough about what God thinks, about what He is doing around me, about who He created me to become, about pleasing Him, and doing what He tells me to do.
Our society today has become one of misplaced priorities. Our culture focuses on the "ME" instead of God, or other people. Our lives are centered around selfishness, what WE want, what WE are doing, and what affects US. Even the notorious Facebook has a "ME" centered layout. We can update our statuses to let people know what WE are thinking or doing. We can share videos WE think are funny. And I must post this for fairness and honesty's sake... WE can post OUR blogs filled with OUR thoughts.
When we focus on the ME, we lose sight of God, and other people. We forget to pray or read our Bible, we don't truly ask how people are doing, we stop giving our cares to God. We begin to walk around in our own little self-absorbed world, consumed with the worries we have stopped giving to God, determined to have OUR voice heard, and we lose sight of what matters. We become the living dead, just like in a zombie movie, but without all the brain-eating.
I have discovered that the more I focus OUTWARDLY instead of dwelling inwardly, the better I feel and the less problems I have. I don't worry as much, I remember to care about the people around me, and I find myself thanking God for all the little things in life that bring me joy - things I do not notice when I am in a self-absorbed coma state.
So I challenge you, my readers, to take 5 whole minutes out of your day today - that's right a whole 1/288-th of your day, and reflect. Count your blessings, talk to God, take a walk out in God's wonderful creation, or just simply sit quietly with your eyes closed. But during this time, don't dwell on a single thing that has to do with you or anything that affects you in any way. Any time a stressful conversation at work, or your never ending to-do list come up in your mind, immediately dismiss the thought. Think about how wonderful and beautiful the complexity of God's creation is. Thank Him for all your blessings. Pray for a friend. As long as you direct your attention away from yourself and place it on God.
We need to stop caring so much, and start caring more.

Patience & Self-control : Hard is Good

 I have figured out the main lesson God is teaching me this year - patience and self-control. Why do I say this, you ask? For multiple reasons, let me assure you.
The number one thing that comes to mind? My school. I have to have an abundance of patience and self-control on several levels there in order to survive intact. I get so incredibly irritated and frustrated at the level of immaturity. This, of course, makes me an automatic target for all of their comments. They say things trying to either provoke me, or to pull me into their immaturity. It has taken an incredible amount of self-discipline in order to get to the point where I can reply gently, not out of irritation, and still maintain maturity. I must admit I am still no where near perfect on this, but I have gotten to the point where I can tolerate much more before getting truly irritated.

The second thing that comes to mind, is my heart. I long so very deeply for my future husband, whomever he may be. My heart aches with loneliness, pining after memories of the tender love it has known before. Don't misunderstand my meaning, I have moved on. My heart no longer desires the man I was once in love with, only the romance it has known before.
I feel so impatient to end this chapter in my life, to be done with high school, and to [hopefully] find the man God intends for me. I realize I should be savoring each moment, that I will miss it once its gone, [well.... maybe... I can't imagine missing this right now though.] but right now it just feels constricting, like I'm stuck in a small, tight place. I'm beginning to feel suffocated, like I can barely breathe.
This winter, as all Oregon winters, has been dreary beyond belief, and this year, it feels especially depressing. The sky itself feels like it's going to close in on me and swallow me whole. I feel like an optimist drowning in a sea of pessimism... For that matter, I am an optimist fighting depression. [how ironic]
God truly is the only thing keeping me afloat these days. He is my life raft in a sea of death, depression, pessimism, immaturity, impatience, and loneliness... I guess I still have a lot to learn... Life is hard, but hard is good. As much as I hate it, hard makes me stronger, builds character, and shapes who I will become. I guess that's why God gives us hard stuff in this life. [duh]
God, thank you for not letting me drown.

"Love is.."

What is love? Culture says that sex is love. Society says that it is the warm giddy feeling you get when you see someone. Our human nature says it is all about emotions. God's Word, however, has a different view. In the Bible, love is a choice. A choice to treat someone in a kind and selfless manner despite the situation or emotions involved.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13
"Though my achievements be many, if they are endeavored without love, they are nothing. Love is patient and kind, Love is never jealous or envious, Love is never boastful or proud, Love is never haughty, selfish, or rude, Love does not demand its own way, Love does not keep an accounting of errors, Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth, Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. As we live in Faith, Hope, and Love, these three, the greatest of these is love."

This verse has been on my heart lately, so I have decided to do an in-depth analysis, to see what love really means in each aspect.

"Though my achievements be many, if they are endeavored without love, they are nothing."

No matter what we do, no matter how many great deeds we do for the good of mankind, if we do it with any other attitude than one of love, it is useless. This doesn't mean just if we do it with a cold heart. This also means if we are doing it with a selfish motive - for our own gain or glory, out of pride or greed. It is meaningless unless we do it with a selfless attitude, and a motive of love. This doesn't just apply to great deeds though. This applies to every decision in our lives. if we make a single decision out of selfishness, then it is meaningless. It serves no purpose other than to feed our sinful nature.

"Love is patient and kind"

This means exactly what it says - Love is patient and kind. When we act towards our friends or family in an impatient or unkind manner, we are not loving them.

"Love is never jealous or envious"

In loving someone, we can not be jealous of them, keeping them all to ourselves, or envy them what they have. If we begrudge someone the blessings in their life, that is not loving them.

"Love is never boastful or proud"

The first thing to come to mind in this is gloating. When we get something that is good, or if we are right when someone else is wrong, if we love that person, we won't be boastful or proud about it. To rub something in another's face is not loving them.

"Love is never haughty, selfish, or rude"

This goes much along with not being boastful or proud, meaning we do not act "high and mighty" towards others, as well as simply acting kindly towards others, and not being rude.

"Love does not demand its own way, Love does not keep an accounting of errors"

Love means compromise - not always having your way. When you truly love someone, you put their wants and needs before your own, which leaves no room for selfishness. Beyond this as well, love means not keeping tabs of everything someone else does wrong. The easiest example of this is when you are fighting, you cannot bring up past offenses. Love means forgiving, and if something is forgiven it needs to stay that way, not constantly brought into the present.

"Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth"

The truth... The truth is not always easy. Scratch that, the truth is almost never easy. But it's the right thing. It's hard, especially when you have to tell it to someone you care about, but loving them means telling them the truth, no matter how painful. It also means encouraging them to tell the truth. 


"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. As we live in Faith, Hope, and Love, these three, the greatest of these is love."

Well we all know what that means - Love is sticking with it through thick and thin, no matter what. Without love everything is meaningless. LOVE = MEANING OF LIFE

Writing this has been an eye-opening and convicting experience. I always find it ironically amusing when I am convicted by my own words, but I love it in a weird way. It makes it easier to follow through and change when I myself was the one proclaiming the truth that I was convicted by. I don't know why. Perhaps it is fueled by my desire to not be seen as a hypocrite. However, just for truth's sake, I am among the worst of hypocrites. However I am not alone, and at least I admit it. I am a work in progress, and I make tons of mistakes. The important thing is that in being a work in progress, that I actually make progress. =]

A Reflection on the Healing Process

     I was reflecting today on my past, and all the things I've worked through. I have certainly had my share of pain in this life. I have recovered from some very abusive friendships in my childhood, my mothers death when I was barely thirteen, and a complicated end to my relationship with the first man I ever really truly trusted and loved.

     Now I don't claim to be any sort of expert in any way in the area of grief and healing, but I feel the urge to jot down some of my thoughts and the things I have learned in my own trials. Hopefully someone out there in cyber-world will benefit from my words. I pray that someone will.

     I have found that whenever I get hurt, my first instinct is to nurse my wound, dwelling on the pain and keeping it around me like a victimized shield. Whenever I would do this however, it did not help at all. It only made me bitter inside towards whatever caused the hurt. It was only when I opened up and let God touch my heart that the bitterness went away. 

     It is something I have found on a regular basis, that holds true with God's Word. Whenever I am self-focused, even with the misguided intent of "dealing with my issues", the issues only get worse or stay the same. They have never gotten better when I am self-focused. 

     I have found however, that in turning my focus outwardly, to God most of all, but also to caring for the hurting people around me, it is then when my heart truly heals. When I am doing God's Will and serving others in His name, he takes care of my heart for me. I can focus completely on serving others, because God is taking care of me. It is an amazing process that has never failed me, and my relationship with God grows even deeper every time I let Him take care of me, and focus on others.

     I'm not saying you should ignore your pain though. This is just as unhealthy as dwelling on it. When your heart is in pain though, you need to figure out why it's hurting, talk it out with God, and trust Him with your heart. You have to let go of the reason for your pain. This may mean forgiving someone, forgiving God, forgiving yourself, or even admitting guilt to something. You have to be completely honest with yourself.

     The most important thing after this though, truly is to be outwardly focused, making your life less about the "me" and more about God and others. Satan tries to keep us from that, however, so he will constantly bring up memories or reminders that can cause you pain. It is imperative that when he does, you immediately take those thoughts captive and give them to God. If you do not, you will simply be pulled back into your pit of pain. You have to constantly make a conscious decision to give it over to God.

     Now, I can't take credit for any of this. Many of the bits of wisdom in this little blog of mine is gleamed from multiple sources- mentors in my life, books I read, and my own personal experiences. I don't know much in this life really, but who does? I'm just putting my two cents out there.

On Chivalry, Refinement, and Feminine Mystique

     As of late, I have been much occupied with reading books and watching movies set in simpler, more noble times than we now reside in. Pride and Prejudice, and Emma, Jane Austen novels [and movies based thereupon] set in the genteel 1800's, and other nameless books set in early America, when gentlemanly and modest ladylike behavior was still socially expected. These eloquent tales have sparked such a bittersweetness in my heart and spirit. I long for a resurrection of the days when refinement, manners, and chivalry were all revered and expected; ladies who act like true ladies, and gentlemen who act with honor and respect.
     It truly makes my heart ache to know such honorable times have passed, especially when I think upon my getting married someday. Though there is a decent number of relatively honorable young Christian men, our society as a whole has lost all decency and sense of honor. Even a young man who professes to be a Christian, even one whom society regards as having a strong character, still has to live in our twisted society, and therefore bears the affects of it. Our society has become so increasingly casual, nothing is sacred anymore. Modesty is all but extinct, sex is treated as a pastime in contrast to the marital gift God intended it to be, and blatant crassness has replaced polished manners and reserve.
     How I long to be fought for as was done in the old days. To be courted, wooed, to have a man prove himself worthy of my regards and affection. To have him make every effort to endear himself to me, writing thoughtful letters, real, actual letters, full of his thoughts and desires, his affection for me. But yet for him to have a heart for God as my own, his faith consistently growing and deepening.
     But for me to expect, or even hope such of a man someday, I must be yet harsher upon myself. I am determined to cultivate myself, in all my tasks do my best, and to develop all my God-given talents. From now forward, I am set upon polishing my manner. I want to become a true lady in a society where it is unheard of. I want to conduct myself in a respectful, gracious, and compassionate manner, despite whose company I might be in. I want to recapture the feminine mystique that has been lost to the women of my generation.
     I know my hopes and dreams of such a love story, the chances of finding such a man whom will treat me as I have dreamed, are slim to none; near impossible. Yet nothing will dissuade my heart from hoping. Perhaps I will end an old maid, but I suppose I will be content with this, should God take away my deeply-rooted desire to be married and have a family someday. I only wish I could have my heart at rest now with being single. I know that my relationship with God should be more than enough, yet still I long...
     I don't know what God has in store for my life, but I am determined to employ myself better than I have in the past, and to hold myself to a much higher standard.

The Risk

Scars are just scars, they don't hurt anymore, 
But they make me scared to open a new door, 


I cannot imagine, to risk my heart,
If it broke again I would fall apart,


My head is screaming at the very thought,
To risk goes against all I have been taught,


My heart longs to be loved, so tenderly,
To be seen as I am, and loved just for me,


But to love is to risk, to get hurt once more,
How my instinct screams just to close the door,


My heart and my head in a constant fight,
Between the safety of surrender, and the risk of the right,


God please help me to trust again, 
So that one day I can let another in.

Life Doesn't Make Sense.

Lately I have been dwelling on my situation in life, and I have come to a shocking conclusion. Life just doesn't make sense!
Yeah, I know a lot of you out there are rolling your eyes, saying "Well, duh!" Of course life doesn't make sense. It never seems to make any sort of sense.
But see, what I realized is that the reason it never seems to make sense, is because we view it from the right now. We see it from a finite viewpoint. We can't see the whole picture of what's ahead, or how our lives affect others. That's why it doesn't make sense - because it only fits when you see the whole picture. Much like characters in a book, we only know a small part of the story. God, the author of our books, sees what is behind us, ahead of us, and how we affect others. He can see the whole picture, and he is turning our stories into one giant masterpiece.
So yeah, life doesn't make sense, but one day we'll be able to see the whole story, from an eternal, heavenly viewpoint. In the meantime, I"m going to be content that life doesn't make sense, because really, that's the only way it does make sense.

Use Me Still

My heart is longing for Your touch,

My soul trembles at the thought,

That the Maker of the universe,

Loves me dearly, whom He wrought,

I wait in anguish, longing still,

But You're just so far away,

Perfection so beyond my grasp,

All I can do is pray,

Forgive me, Father, Holy God,

Defiled sinner that I am,

Cleanse my lips, heal my heart,

Break these chains that bind my hands,

Lord, I know I'm so unworthy,

But if You can use me still,

Then may these hands and feet serve You,

And do only as You will.

Words.

Biting words and quick remarks,
Haughty airs and poison darts,
Such blatant, plain hypocrisy,
Seems far out of place to me,
If we claim to follow Christ,
Should we not show it through our life?
Words can hurt and words can heal,
Their effect is evident and real,
So why do we so often discount their worth,
Write them off in idle, teasing mirth,
Words fall from lips as sharpened spears,
Carelessly cause the shedding of tears,
Words can bring life, or they can bring death,
Every single word spoken, with every breath,
Words of love, or words of hate,
Once spoken, it is already too late,
You cannot unsay what has been said,
Nor unread a word, of what has been read,
So choose wisely ever word that you say,
Or you might come to regret those words someday.

Poetry. =)

Through all the miles and years,
I still have you,
Through all the trials and tears,
It remains true,

A brother, a comfort, a friend,
You're by my side,
A friendship without end,
Though tested and tried,

A bond formed strong and true,
Through fire and ice,
My heart stands proud to call you,
My dearly loved brother in Christ.

-----

Save me,
My heart is crying out,
Rescue me,
From all my fear and doubt,
Heal me,
From this aching pain,
Make me,
Complete and whole again,
Forgive me,
From all my sin and shame,
I'm yours,
And I'll never be the same. <3

------

Only but aimless wanderers men be,
Without mark or purpose,
Lacking want or desire to see,
What lurks beyond the surface,
Searching out corporeal distraction,
To avoid being still or alone,
Fearing a moment to long to reflect,
That our own actions we will not condone.