Unknowns & Uncertainties

Oh how I abhor the unknowns and uncertainties of this life!
I am the kind of person who likes to watch adventurous-but-predictable movies, the kind where lots of exciting things happen, but you know for sure that in the end, the hero will get the girl, the bad guy will get what he deserves, and everyone will be happy in the end. (Except the bad guy of course)
Unfortunately, life isn't predictable like many movies. Bad things happen that aren't always fixable. The hero ends up beaten, the villain gets the girl, the building collapses and people die. Wrong decisions are made and there are lasting consequences with no easy solutions. It's permanent. Every choice we make is permanent.
I know that in an eternal sense, things will work out like a good movie in the end. God will win and Satan will lose, and we will ride off into the sunset with our Savior. But in a more earthly sense, life isn't like that all...
So this is where I am, wishing I could skip ahead a few chapters in my life and take a sneak-peek, see how decisions I make now will affect me later. What if I choose the wrong college? What if I end up with a different spouse than the one God originally intended for me? What if God wanted me to pursue something other college, but I never knew it? What if I misunderstand what God is telling me and do the wrong thing? What if I let an opportunity pass me by, and someone doesn't get saved because of me?
So many questions swirl around in my head.
I know in times like this, we are called to focus on God, to pour ourselves into our relationship with Him, to cling tighter to Him... But right now it feels like trying to grasp the wind as it flies by through my fingers... And trying to hear his voice is like trying to understand someone yelling in chinese from a continent away...
I know many people may think I have it all together, that I have a good, strong relationship with my God, but the truth is, I'm constantly struggling just like everyone else... I love my Savior. I try my best to have a good relationship with Him, and sometimes I feel His presence and see His touch in my life as real as can be, but other times He feels a universe away, His voice more elusive than a faint whisper in a raging storm.
Sometimes I just sit and wonder, "Where are you God?".... I know in my heart and soul that He is always right there with me, but that doesn't mean I feel it at all. I ask Him "Why don't you speak to me?"... Again, I know He is always speaking to me, but that doesn't mean I hear Him....
As these pivotal decisions are so eminent in my life at this time, this is now my question: "What do you want me to do God?"
I just pray I will hear Him when He whispers on the wind...

Reflections of A Lonely Heart

It's late Christmas Eve, and I am sitting up in the living room, watching Christmas specials, and surfing Facebook. All the Christmas specials I am watching have an element of romance in them. This has caused so many different trains of thought to go off in my head.
At first, my heart aches. My heart longs to share itself with another in an intimate way. I long to be romanced, sought, fought for, valued deeply by a godly man. I feel the pang of loneliness sharply. I want to have someone to cuddle with in the cold, hold hands with walking down the street, even someone to kiss under the mistletoe. This feeling often becomes more apparent at night, especially during the holidays. Of course it's not like I don't have options. These days it seems like quite the opposite. I have a line of potential suitors at my door, were I only to say the word. But... Something isn't right. All of the guys are amazing young men. Godly young men. There isn't a thing  I could honestly say against them for the most part. Yet something stops me from allowing any of them to pursue me. I have ended up gently stopping each of them, luckily saving the friendships. I don't understand it, but I just can't let them. I don't know whether it's out of fear of getting hurt, fear of hurting them, or some sort of warning God is giving me, but I keep waiting, though for what or whom I do not know.
Shortly after that train of thought, follows a much less corporeal track. I wonder at the amazing grace and mercy God has given me in my life. I am so blessed to have the amazing friends and family that I have.  I have so much to be thankful for...
God truly has shown me such amazing grace in my life... He saved me from a downward spiral and pulled me into His arms. He comforted me when I was hurting, and healed me from a wound so deep I thought it would never go away. God has sought after me in a way that I never could have dreamed up, yet it is still so easy to forget sometimes... I truly want to be in love with my God and Saviour with the passion I see in so many who are longer in the faith than I. I want to sacrifice it all and live completely to honor my God, but everyday life seems to pull my attention away so quickly...
I guess all I can say is I am so glad that I serve a loving and forgiving God who takes me just as I am. =)

Peace and Closure [Finally]

Your peace like a river,

Rushes over me,

Healing my broken heart,

By tender grace and mercy,

Such absence of torment in my soul,

Leaves me oddly feeling lost,

But slowly the void is filled with joy,

That my Savior paid the cost,

Finally my soul can be at rest,

Closure, though I still ache,

Helps me turn my gaze ahead,

At peace with my mistakes,

How faithful have you been, O Lord,

On this long exhausting road,

Though I often numbly strayed,

You always called me home.

Mend

Ignoring the past you tell yourself,
That the door is locked up tight,
But even a locked door has a key,
And a way to make things right,

The right path is never the easiest,
But its worth is so much more,
Because though God may close one way,
He opens up a better door,

Though life may never be the same,
A broken heart can mend,
And though distant scars will still remain,
Through God it can be whole again. <3

I'm Sorry... Please Forgive Me

     I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. It’s my fault, I know that now. All of it was my fault. I’m sorry. I don’t know if you have forgiven me in your heart, but I pray you have.
     I’ve realized now that the reason I have been in pain all this time is not because of you – it's because of me. I am self-inflicting this pain out of guilt. Guilt because of the pain I caused you. I feel so ridiculous as I realize this. I have already let go of you. I have already trusted you to God. I am at peace with that. What I am not at peace with, is myself. I haven’t forgiven myself for everything. I am blaming myself, beating myself up - because I feel like I stole my own dream. I stole my own happiness. This is my pain, not in an way caused by you. My heart has listened to the enemy’s lie that you were my only chance at happiness, at having a Godly relationship. God tells me something different though – he tells me he has an amazing plan for my life. That’s the message I need to start listening to. It isn’t letting go of you that is my problem – I’ve already done that – what I need to do is to work on forgiving myself.
     I know I will never forget you. You will remain in my thoughts and memories. There still may be a twinge of pain as well, that stays. I will miss you always. Yet I think the pain will not be so great as it has been. I know you are in God’s hands. He has an amazing plan for your life, just as he has one for mine. I trust Him in this.
     So today, I make it my goal to begin to forgive myself. For both the pain I have caused you, and the guilt I have inflicted upon myself. I hope you can forgive me too.
If you have read my blogs, which I honestly have no clue if you have, I also apologize for any guilt you may have felt as a result. It was never your fault. You did what you felt you needed to do. I understand this now. It was never you who caused this pain. I inflicted this pain upon myself. It was my own idiocy that caused this. I blamed you in my heart for a long time, but it was never you at all. For this, I pray you will forgive me. It was wrong of me to misplace the cause of my pain upon you, even if just in my heart.
     I hope one day we truly can be friends again, if it is God’s Will. Perhaps one day after we are both happily married to our respective spouses. I pray that one day we can bridge this gap that has been created. Until then, I pray God will bless and keep you. I will care for you always.
Love, 
Kimbaby

Some days.....

Some days I wish I had never met you...
Some days I wish that you had just been a camp friend, that you were just some guy that I knew but never really talked to... Someone I had never gotten close to.....
But wishing doesn't get me anywhere. I did meet you, I did get close to you... Close enough to give you my heart....
And now every single day I am learning to deal with the pain of loving someone who chooses not to love me back... I have to face the reality that you aren't going to come back riding in on a white horse and tell me it was all a mistake.... You aren't going to come to your senses and realize we could still make this work.. You aren't going to come back.... You aren't going to fight for me.... And it kills me inside...
I am truly trying to face this stark, blunt, painful reality, and it kills me every time, but my heart isn't letting go, though I try.
I have come to the realization that I can no more force myself to stop loving you, than I could force you to love me.....  I sometimes wonder if you ever really did love me at all, like you said you did. Maybe it was all just a lie, an illusion... Or maybe you are just really good at turning emotions on and off. If that is so, I envy you.
Part of my heart wants to scream, "He really did love you! He still does! He's just trying to ignore it!" But at this point, that cannot be true.... It has been too long... I waited, waited to see if you would come after me. My hopelessly romantic heart dreamed of you showing up out of the blue, proclaiming your love for me, saying that you could not live without me. My pathetic heart was convinced that by choosing to cut off contact, you would realize just how important I was to you.... I guess I really wasn't important at all, after all. So much for my silly delusions that I was a support to you, that I was important, that you needed me at all. I guess you didn't.
My comfort is in the fact that I am needed elsewhere. I have friends that I am very close to now, who rely on my support and friendship. I am deeply involved and needed at my church. My family is a constant source of comfort and support.
In this uncertain time, my heart aches for you more... but at the same time, I find myself needing you less and less... Yes, I still love you. Yes, my heart and soul still long for you.... But I don't rely on you at all anymore, not even on the memories... I have grown to rely more deeply on God, on my other close friendships, on my family.
Maybe one day I'll be able to stop longing for you. Maybe one day my heart will fully move on...
But this one thing I know - I will never be able to forget you.

No Closure

     I am so frustrated.... I sit here knowing that it's over, knowing there is nothing I can do, knowing that you have happily and easily moved on.... Yet I feel no sense of finality. I am still restless beyond measure...

     When my mom died, it wasn't like this. I grieved greatly, yes, and I didn't want to believe it, but I felt that sense of finality. I had closure, even though the pain remained. This may be a weird comparison - likening the death of my mother to losing you, but though the intensity of grief is different, the feeling of loss is the same. I grieve for what we could have had. I grieve for the loss of the best relationship, the best friendship, and the deepest trust I have ever had with another human being.

     In this, the pain remains, and begins anew every time a strong memory comes up. But yet that is all it is - pain. No sense of finality, no closure, no definite point of ending to look back on and say "there is where it ended." I think this is what bothers me the most. This is the thing that keeps me from being able to move on completely. There is no closure for this wound to my heart, and so it cannot heal...

     I wish I could just ask you one question. I wish you would just explain to me why. Why you gave up, why you rejected me, why you chose to close that door.... maybe then I could truly move on. If I just knew why.... But I can't ask... I won't... For 2 reasons. First, because I don't want to temporarily walk into your life again, demand an answer, an leave. You don't need that drama, and I don't want to cause you pain or disrupt your life again. I've done that enough already. Not to mention it would probably just tear me apart even more inside to see you again.. Second, because I'm afraid of what you would say... I don't want to know because I'm afraid it might break that last little bit of my heart that is still yours. This is a paradox of sorts, because I want to give up that last little piece that hopes you will come back... I want to, but I don't want to... My head knows there is no hope for it, yet my heart hopes still.

     I pray that one day God will give me the sense of finality... Ot I can't help but add, at the insistence of my heart, that maybe one day you will love me again... Maybe one day you will be willing to fight for me again... I don't know what God has planned, but at this moment in time, I simply want peace. I want to stop hurting, stop longing, stop having wonderful dreams that make me cry when I wake up and they aren't real, stop running myself crazy thinking about the what ifs and wondering how you are now....

     At this point I am questioning my own judgement. I said goodbye because I thought it would be easier to try and forget you ever existed than to endure the pain of trying to be "just friends". I thought we would both be better off.... But the pain only seems to intensify with every day that I try to forget. The memories only become more frequent; the dreams more bittersweet. With every passing day the temptation to call you, email you, facebook you... It grows. I deleted your number from my phone.. But I still have your email memorized, and it would be so easy just to find you on facebook... But I said goodbye... I am resolved to not interfere with your life again. Though I may be in pain, I'm sure you are better off without me. Better off without my drama, my emotional tendencies... This is the only thing that keeps me from contacting you - the belief that you are happier without me. I still pray for you often, that your relationship with God remains strong, and that you and you family would be well. This is the only thing that gives me any peace, any respite. I know you are safe in God's arms. I know He will watch over you. I entrust you to God.

     At this point, it is only me I am scared for. I know you have moved on, and I know God will keep you safe... But as for me... I don't know if I will ever be able to love again, truly, deeply, like I once loved you. I don't know if I will be able to trust again, fully, completely, like I once trusted you. It seems unfair to the man I end up with someday, because a part of my heart will always be lost, a part of my trust can never be claimed. I will never be able to be whole for him. I will never be able to give him everything. This really seems terribly unfair to the man God means for me.

     It's over. Move on... This is the mantra my head repeats to my heart... I just hope one day soon, my heart will believe it...

My Tender Savior

Looking, searching, longing,
For a love to call my own,
My sore and broken heart,
Is aching for a home,

And the one that I call Saviour,
Beckons me come near,
With gentle words and tender hands,
He calms my every fear,

Every time I stray too long,
My heartache begins anew,
And draws me back ever closer,
To the first love I ever knew,

Back to the place of my childhood,
When I would laugh and play,
When black was black, and white so white,
Never a shade of grey,

When never a doubt would enter my mind,
Of my Savior's love and grace,
And mercy did abound on the cross,
For I knew he took my place,

Such tender words of love,
My Savior speaks to me,
And such grace does he bestow,
Just to know that I am free.

I've Realized

     I've realized in the end that you are just so confused. You never really knew what you wanted. Maybe you truly loved me and maybe you didn't, but I know I truly and sincerely loved you. I still do. 
     You were too stubborn to admit you didn't know your own feelings, so you just shoved them aside and ignored them, and made the decision that would make them easiest to ignore. You gave up. To be quite bluntly honest, you followed Adam in his sin - the sin of silence, complacency. You didn't fight to find out what was truly right, or even just make the effort to figure out your feelings. You ignored everything because it was just too hard. And left me to deal with the consequences.
     You were and still are the only guy I have ever felt that certain connection with, the kind felt deep in the soul, where you just know. I honestly believe that had we both made different decisions, we would have been the people God had meant for each other. I know it in the deepest part of my heart. I also believe we still could have been, but you chose to close the door. You chose. Not me. I was still willing to try, still willing to give it another chance.
     Part of my heart still clings to that last pitiful fraying thread of hope that you will wake up and realize how much I really loved you. Part of me still wishes you would ride in on your white horse proclaiming your love, and be willing to fight for me - fight to regain my trust and my love, to show me I'm worth it to you to fight for. The rest of me knows that the chances of that happening are slim to none at best, and it would take a miracle of God for that to happen. 
     I am valuable - I am a treasure because I am a child of God. I am his daughter, forgiven and free. I find my worth in God alone, not in what others think of me, what you think of me. This doesn't mean it doesn't break my heart that you slammed the door in my face. But it does mean that my worth is not defined by you. 
     Maybe one day you will wake up and realize how much I loved you, how good things could have been... But then again, maybe one day it will be too late. You may wake up and realize it someday, but someday I will wake up next to someone who already knew.

Heartache

How much longer will my heart grieve,
For the love I had but lost?
This hollow ache that does not leave,
I've paid so high a cost,

How my heart holds tight to faintest hope,
That we could be once more,
Fraying like a threadbare rope,
Straining to the core,

My head is screaming at my heart,
That it's best to just let go,
And though it slowly breaks apart,
My heart keeps saying no.

-----

My heart breaks,
My soul aches,

I would not feign,
Such constant pain,

My soul deeply longs,
But sad are the songs,

Bittersweet are the tunes,
Of a heart left in ruins,

Though hope so threadbare,
Ever weak, is still there,

And cuts me to the core,
Caught in a slamming door,

Emotions drowning in ambivalence,
Such contradiction makes no sense.

Drowning in a sea of tears,
Filled with memories, miles, and years,

Seasons come and seasons gone,
Changes rise at dusk and dawn,

Whispers linger from the past,
Some will fade, but others last,

Spectral glimpses of hopes and dreams,
'What ifs' and regretful 'could have beens'.

A Lifetime to Forget

You're just running, running away,
From the truth you can't deny,
It's in your heart, it's in your head,
But you tell yourself it's a lie,

You say God doesn't close a door,
And then reopen it again,
But how can you say that with your new life,
Once broken in your sin?

Trying to move on you say,
That the door is locked up tight,
But even a locked door has a key,
And a way to make things right,

The pain, the ache, it's all too much,
Down to my very soul,
I feel the sorrow, aching, breaking,
A hollow empty hole,

I cannot deny my heart,
This longing, though I've tried,
I cannot ignore, cannot refute,
Keep bottled up inside,

You may never again think of me,
And that may be the truth,
But I'll spend a lifetime trying so hard,
To forget every detail about you.

On This Sleepless Night

     In a couple of hours, it will have been exactly 5 years since my mom passed away from this earth and went to be with Jesus in heaven. On this sleepless night I reflect on how much has changed in those 5 long years. My life has gone down to the depths of despair, flown up to the heights of happiness, and hovered in every space between in those 5 years. I have truly known loss, but I have also truly known love - God's love, as well as the love of other human beings. I have turned down the wrong path and been brought back onto the right way by God's love, tender mercy, and unrelenting grace. I have experienced every emotion known to man it seems. And yet I am only 18. How can so short a time hold so much?
     In a time of reflection such as this, there are always the useless "what ifs" we human beings so often run ourselves mad dwelling upon. What if my mom had never died, never gotten cancer? Would I be anything like the person I am today? Would she be proud of me?  How would my life be different?
     And then there are also the regrets... Why did I never take the time to sit down with her and ask about all the things I can now never know? I will never hear the stories of how she was when she was my age, at least not from her perspective, nor hear her sage advice in all the things every teenage girl goes through - love, heartbreak, stress, pimples, drama, college applications, hormones..
     Such a loss is felt keenly by my tender, grieving heart, on this anniversary of my great loss. This night 5 years ago, I lost the woman who was the at the time, the center of my existence, the rock that kept me solid, the comfort when I was sad... I lost my mommy, so dear to my heart. This night, 5 years ago, my little girls heart was shattered, and it has never been the same since. Partially repaired at times, re-broken at times, and healed again by God's love, but it has never been nor ill it ever be the same innocent little girls heart that it once was. I can never regain the innocence of a heart that has never known true grief, true loss, true heartbreak. That imprint will remain on my heart forever until the day I see my Jesus face to face and am once again reunited with my loved ones in heaven. This is the hope I hold on to. God is my strength, my hope, my refuge. In Him alone I place my trust as my heart stops this night to once again grieve the absence of my mom whom I still love and miss so very much...

A single tear formed in my eye,
And fell upon my cheek,
My heart in grief let out a sigh,
In sorrow, frail and weak,

As that small tear wandered down,
And made its salty trail,
You couldn't hear the silent sound,
Of my hearts grief-stricken wail,

No, I keep my sorrow inside,
To spare you from my grief,
Only in God do I confide,
And there I find relief,

His loving hands do guide me,
And in his arms I'm safe,
He's standing right beside me,
He's with me all the way.

What Was, And Who I Truly Am.

His eyes.....
The eyes, such a perfect piercing blue.....
The eyes that used to fill with such emotion - compassion, sorrow, love......
The eyes I wanted to stare into forever....

His arms....
The strong arms, the warm arms.....
The ones that wrapped around me so perfectly......
The ones I wanted to be held in forever.....

His voice.....
The laughing voice, the happy voice....
The serious voice, the pain filled voice.....
The soft voice, the loving voice....
The one I wanted to forever whisper in my ear.....

His hands....
The strong hands, the firm hands.....
The soft hands, the supportive hands....
The hands I wanted to catch me when I fall.......

The wait....
The wait so long and painful that I endured...
The wait until I could be with him again for real....
The wait that tested my strength, patience, endurance...
The wait that ended in heartbreak and disappointment.....

The words....
The words that he spoke so unfeeling....
The words that crushed my heart....
The words that closed the door....
The words my heart even still tries to deny....

Our God.....
The one I trust....
The one I love.......
The one I'm giving my everything for....
The one I will follow till the ends of the earth, no matter the cost....
The one who will heal this breaking heart....
The one who tells me I am worth fighting for...
The one who gives me my true worth, despite what others say...
My God, my Jesus, my King, my Lord, my Savior, my Lover, my Hero....
My Jesus. <3

5 Years

This month it will have been 5 years since my Mom passed away because of cancer. I still miss her so very much... I wish she could see what I have become. I wish I could hear her say how proud she is of me, and encourage me when I get discouraged. I wish I could ask her the millions of questions I will never know the answers to. I wish I could hug her just one more time....
These are such useless wishes. I know I will see her again someday in heaven, but my heart hurts so badly right now. It may have been 5 years, but tonight the pain is just as fresh as it was the very day she died. My heart is breaking with the pain of knowing she is not going to be there when I get home tonight. Knowing I can't ask her stories about when she was my age, or ask advice when I am stressed. I am blessed to have many other people in my life to fill my needs, but it just isn't the same and I feel it in my heart. My child's heart is crying for my mommy, wondering why she is not there, why I can't run to her and have her tell me everything is gonna be all right. The future looks so scary from where I stand... I know I need to rely on God, and I am trying to, but my heart aches for the physical and verbal reassurance it needs... I feel the ache of a piece of my life that is missing, that can never be replaced...


Every time I thought of you, 
And all the times I've cried, 
If my love could have saved you, 
You never would have died, 
If only I could see you now, 
And have you hold me tight, 
Maybe I could make it through, 
Without a tear tonight, 
Another year without you here, 
Your voice, your laugh, your smile, 
I still think of you so very dear, 
And miss you more with every mile. 
I love you Mom.

Better late than never.

I forgot to post this back when it actually happened, but I want to make sure I save the link so I'm posting it now. I was on the news back in October. =) video below.

24 Hours of Compassion

I had the privilege of participating with my youth group in an event we call "24 Hours of Compassion"
We went out into the community with a bunch of other youth groups form all around Oregon, and served others. It was an amazing and rewarding experience. Video below.



24 Hours of compassion from West Salem Foursquare on Vimeo.

Waiting... For What?

I feel so run-down lately. So many expectations are being put upon me now that I am 18 and a senior in high school. There are the normal ones I've been used to for years - get good grades, keep my room clean, do my chores - but now there are a lot more, ones I'm not truly prepared for. Like, choosing a college, applying, applying for scholarships, worrying about how to pay for college, figuring out what I want to major in, taxes, social security, budgeting my own money, scheduling my own dentist appointments!?! I don't feel at all ready to take on these large responsibilities, yet I am having them thrust upon me, while still having to deal with the normal stress and drama of being a teenager in high school.
I feel so lost in this chaos... What do I do?
I am left with one answer - Draw closer to God.
So this is what I try to do. As life gets crazier I desire to draw myself ever closer to my Savior. He is the only one who can sustain me through the storms of life. I don't know what I would do without Him.
Within that desire, I feel a sense of waiting, of anticipation. I feel something coming. I know God has something significant in store for me, soon. I don't know what, how, or when, but I know there is something.
Beyond this, I have a desire in my heart. I long to be united with the man God has planned to be my husband someday, the man God has chosen to be my life partner. Yet I have a sense that that this is not yet to be. God is telling me to wait. This makes my heart ache, but if God can better use me right now as I am, then who am I to argue? So I will wait on God's timing.
God is so faithful, and I am so... not.
I fall away from Him so easily, despite my deep desire to draw close to Him. It's just too easy to fall into the mind-numbing daily routine, and forget to spend time with Him or read the Bible. So easy to forget such an important thing.
I pray that God revives in me an even deeper, greater desire to truly know Him and spend time with him every day.

Touch my lips, that they would speak Your truth,
My ears, to hear Your voice,
My feet, that they would dance for You,
My spirit to rejoice,

The "What If"s of Life

I wonder... I ponder.... I think.... I dream...
"What if?" Two words that each alone are as harmless as words can be, but put together they have the power to haunt you for a lifetime.
This applies to so many areas of my life. Those that were in my control, as well as those beyond even the most naive illusion of control.
What if....
What if my mom had never gotten cancer? never died?
What if I had never come back to God?
What if I had never met certain friends?
What if I had never dated?
What if I had never broken up with anyone?
What if I had never gone to Life Bible?
What if I had never gone to Harris Private?
What if I had never met anyone from the VCC youth group?
What if.... What if.....

Though I know no specific answers, to some of these questions I am grateful they are only "what if"'s because the alternative would have been so much worse.
For others of these, some that I keep only in my mind, I wonder what the alternative might have been... better? worse? just the same?
What if.... What if God had more for me at the time when I made this or that decision, and I missed out?
What if God has more for me now, and I am simply too blind to see it?
What if I am missing out on a grand adventure that is right in front of my nose?

I am such a truly passionate person at heart. I dream of a life of grand adventures, taking risks and putting it all on the line for my faith and the ones I love. I long to be consumed with the passions of my heart and soul, like a burning fire that will not be quenched. I long to take great leaps of faith and do amazing miraculous things in the name of the Lord.
The problem is, that's where it ends: I dream. I long. But I do not do.

It has been drilled into me my entire life - through society, family, school, and even my own flesh - Be safe. Be secure. Be reasonable. Don't take risks. Don't let yourself get hurt. Don't care too much. Don't dream of adventures. Be content with boring but safe.
And as much as I hate it, having it drilled into me my entire life has impeded me from doing anything but!
It's so wrong, so frustrating!!!!
I know I was made for so much more than a mediocre life with a nine-to-five job and a white picket fence, but that's where I'm headed because that's where I feel safe!
Why can't I break free of this need to feel secure? I know I should be relying on God for security, not my own abilities or corporeal provision.. Yet my fleshly instincts impede my ability to do so.

Oh how I curse corporeal desires,
My flesh that wants to stay safe,
In the end it will not last through the fires,
But it clings to my soul like fetters that chafe,

How can I break these chains on my soul,
These bindings that hinder my dreams,
Keeping me from reaching for a higher goal,
I've fallen captive to each one of its schemes,

Lord let me break down this wall,
Be my strength, for I am weak,
Lord, I cry - Hear my call,
My situation's getting bleak,

I will wait upon the Word of the Lord,
I will wait to hear His voice,
For His Word is both my shield and sword,
And in it, I will rejoice.

Dear Nathan.

Dear Nathan,
Though I cannot be sure, I have suspicions you still read my blog.
I still think of you every once in a great while. You might be happy to know that it is simply because of fond memories from camp, and my heart does not hurt when I think of you as much as it once did.
You also might be happy to know that I've moved on. I will never be able to forget you, of course, and everything that we had, but God has shown me that I will be able to have a relationship again with a godly man and be able to feel a deep connection like we once had. I'm healing, I'm learning, I'm growing in my faith every day.
As for you, I still pray for you every so often. I hope that your struggles have gotten easier and you have found relief. I hope you have found someone else who makes you even happier than I like to imagine I may have once made you. I also pray that you have continued to grow in your faith as well. I pray that your relationship with God has grown stronger than even you could have imagined. I pray you have found healing in our Savior's arms and have found peace to stop over-analyzing your problems. I also pray that your family is well and healthy. I must confess I do miss your mother. She is such a wonderful lady.
In the end, I will never forget you, Nathan. I don't believe I will ever stop loving you.
But I have moved on with my life through God's help. Through His grace I have found a new life every day, each time stronger in my faith than before. This is also my prayer for you.
I wish you joy and happiness, Nathan. May our God and Savior bless you all your days.

Your Sister in Christ,

Kimberly Nicole Smith

Hypocrisy, Motives, and "Good Enough"

I'm not ashamed of the Gospel.

I am not ashamed to say that I believe that God is the one and only God, and Jesus Christ is Lord.

I am not ashamed of the Holy Bible, or a single word that is in it.

What I am ashamed of, however, is the better half of the church and all the Christians in the world, especially America,  who have either diluted the truth, or misconstrued it and taken it to the extreme.

Hypocrisy has so often been the label for all Christians...

Immediately, I must put myself in that category as well however, in the interest of being completely fair and honest with myself and others. I have been a hypocrite. Actually, to call me a hypocrite is putting it mildly when I think of how I have been. I have been among the worst of them all. 

In fact, many, even the majority of all Christians need to be reminded of some things.

We are not better than anyone else. 

We are still human - We make mistakes, we have emotions that are overwhelming sometimes, we deal with day to day life just like everyone else.

We are as low as the lowest, most vile character on this earth - every sin is equal in the eyes of God, from 'little white lies' to murder.

The difference is that we have chosen to accept Jesus Christ as our Savior and the Lord of our lives.

We are saved by God's grace, and grace alone.

Not by our works, but by our faith in his sacrifice.

We are imperfect, but washed in the blood of a perfect Savior.

Our motives should not be that of greed, or pride, or anything for our own gain. Our motives should be out of love, for others and for our God.

We should strive to follow Christ's example.

But this doesn't mean we are perfect.

We aren't.

Only God, who IS perfect, has the right to judge people

But there is a catch there - We are not to judge people outside of the church.

In the church, we are supposed to lift each other up, and correct each other - BUT only out of love. 

Our intentions have to be good. Our motives have to be right.

We should not correct for our own self-satisfaction, but with the benefit of our brother or sister in Christ in mind.

Our lives need to be a testimony of the grace of Jesus Christ.

To quote the words of St. Francis, "Preach the Gospel constantly. If necessary, use words."

The way we LIVE will make an impression far more than what we say.

You can preach all you want, but if you live in a way that is contrary to your words, your words mean nothing.

Personally, I want to see what else God has for me. I want more than most Christians have been settling for. I don't want to be content with being lukewarm, I don't want "good enough". I want the best God has for me. I know this is a dangerous thing to want. I know it means I will have to risk everything. I know that by all human logic, this is a stupid thing.

But I don't care. Bring it on.

So God, what do you have for me?

Without You

A song I wrote a few weeks ago..


"Without You"

Verse 1
I can't stand this a minute longer,
Did you see the pain in my eyes,
As you were closing the door?
They say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger,
But right now I'm so weak,
I'm crying on the floor,
I step out into the night,
Crying "Oh God, will you show me the light?"
"Cause I just don't know how this could be good for me..

Chorus
But here in my heart you'll stay,
And in God's arms you're safe,
And even though I don't know,
I'm gonna let you go,
I may not know God's plans,
And I may never understand,
But I will heal from these wounds,
And one day I'll be happy again,
Without you.

Verse 2
My mind is so scattered with memories,
The good and the bad,
We'd been through it all,
It was never easy, but it was worth it,
So who would have thought this was how it would fall?
I'm sitting and feeling so lost,
'Cause all I thought was forever, I didn't count the cost,
But now I'm starting to pick up the pieces so I can move on..

Chorus

But here in my heart you'll stay,

And in God's arms you're safe,

And even though I don't know, 

I'm gonna let you go,

I may not know God's plans,

And I may never understand,

But I will heal from these wounds,

And one day I'll be happy again,

Without you.

Bridge

And I'm realizing now I can breathe again,

You're not the one that I need anymore,

My God and my Savior has healed me,

And He is the one I long for,

Chorus

But here in my heart you'll stay,

And in God's arms you're safe,

And even though I don't know, 

I'm gonna let you go,

I may not know God's plans,

And I may never understand,

But I will heal from these wounds,

And one day I'll be happy again,

Without you.

x2

More Than Meets the Eye

There is more to me than meets the eye, 
Just because I'm strong doesn't mean I don't cry.
And if I hold it together when it's falling apart,
It doesn't mean that inside it's not breaking my heart,
You made the decision and I just stood by,
As silent tears fell from my eyes,
I may be letting go of you,
But that doesn't mean that I wanted to.
Because I didn't - I never stopped loving you.

What's Best for You

Maybe one day you will look back and realize that every time you changed your mind again, it broke my heart, but I was still willing to try.
Maybe one day you'll look back and realize I meant what I said when I said "I love you", and I never stopped meaning it.
Maybe one day you will realize that you'll never find anyone just like me again.
Maybe one day you'll regret ever letting me go...
But I hope you don't.
I hope you find true love again.
I hope you find someone that understands you better than I ever did.
I hope you find love and peace and joy and happiness.
I hope you grow in your relationship with God past what you have ever dreamed.
I hope you forget about me so memories of what we had will never cause you pain.
I hope you forget about me so that your life will be less complicated and you won't be so stressed.
I hope you find someone else to replace me. Someone better. Someone good enough.

I hope that if I ever cross your mind again it will be only as brief nostalgic memories that no longer seem quite real.

As for me, I will never be able to erase every vivid detail from my mind. 

I won't ever be able to forget the way you made me smile, or the way that when I talked to you all my problems seemed to get smaller and disappear.

The way that with a single glance you could turn my knees to jelly and my heart to butterflies.

The way you could cheer me up so easily....

The way you would make puns to make me laugh, even if they made no sense or were really cheesy.

The way it felt to fall asleep in your arms... So safe and protected..

Still....

I still care.
I still love you.
I still wish you were mine.
I wish you were willing to fight for me.
I wish I was worth it to you.
A million little things still remind me about you, and the memories are bittersweet.
You made me a better person.
You helped me become who I am today.
I can't imagine finding anything as deep as what we had in another relationship.
I will never be able to forget you, though as I promised you I will try to move on.
But I hope you forget about me.
I hope I no longer will cause you pain.
I hope you lead a blessed life, living it to the full potential God has for you.

This was what gave me the strength to break my own heart, and say goodbye.
Because it's what's best for you.
Goodbye.

My Daily Prayer

Lord, let this be my daily prayer, 

To be bold and strong enough to dare, 

To challenge life in the everyday, 

To seek Your face in a brand new way, 

To live my life to honor You, 

In everything I say and do, 

To bring glory only to Your name, 

And show the world I'm not the same, 

That my heart is different, my heart is true, 

That my heart belongs to only You. ♥

Easier

It would be easier,
If you were just a memory,
Not standing in front of me,
Telling me, I need to let you go,

It would be easier,
If I could forget the way you made me smile,
If the memories would fade with every mile,
I could let it fade, let it fade away,

But how can I stand here and look you in the eye,
Breaking my own heart because I have to say goodbye,
Knowing that what we once were, can never be once more,
Standing here in silence as I watch you close the door,

Silence overtakes my soul,
As my heart forms a shield so cold,
I stand and let you walk away,
I close my eyes as my world fades to grey,

It would be easier,
If you were just someone I once knew,
Not a hope my heart tries to hold on to,
Maybe then, I could let you go,

It would be easier,
To live as if you never changed a thing,
To pretend that you were only just a dream,
But I can't, cause its not true,

But how can I stand here and look you in the eye,
Breaking my own heart because I have to say goodbye,
Knowing that what we once were, can never be once more,
Standing here in silence as I watch you close the door,

Silence overtakes my soul,
As my heart forms a shield so cold,
I stand and let you walk away,
I close my eyes as my world fades to grey,

It would be easier,
But I guess I'm doing this a different way,
All that I can do now is just to pray,
That He will help me let you go,

It would be easier,
But if this is what is best for you,
That's the truth I'll hold on to,
So tonight, I'll let you go.

To A True Friend

When it feels like my whole world,
Is crashing down on in,
I talk it out with you,
And it seems alright again,

Even when I come undone,
My emotions fall apart,
You help hold me together,
Shield my breaking heart,

Even though we're different now,
The gap between us wide,
With patience and understanding,
We've built a bridge between the sides,

Through the ups and downs,
So many things have changed,
But I find when I look closer,
Some things are still the same,

So through the good and through the bad,
One thing will remain true,
I am so very blessed to have,
A friend so dear as you.

Don't Give Up the Fight

Don't leave me alone,
As the walls are caving in tonight,
'Cause I just don't know,
But I don't want you to give up the fight,

And I think this is worth saving,
If we both keep holding on,
With God's help we can make things right again,
Though it's all going wrong,

But as the waves are crashing all around,
We can stand and hold our ground,
Holding on to what we know is true,
You know that we can make it through,
Just don't give up the fight,

Favor of God? Or compromise?

Since when did wealth and prosperity become the main sign of God's favor? Even the evil prosper materially. I would rather be poor in possessions and rich in spirit than poor in spirit and rich in possessions. The Bible says to count it all joy when we suffer and are persecuted for His name's sake. Jesus told the rich man to sell all his possessions and give the money to the poor. The early Christians had very little, but were bound together by a tighter bond than money could bring. What happened to that side of Christianity?
What happened to selfless love and giving until it hurts?
When did the church go so far trying to appeal to the world that it became like the world?
When did we forget our roots?
How did we get to the point of such compromise in our beliefs that we forget that we are to be in the world, but not of it?
But more importantly than the when....
How do we reverse it?
What are we going to do to change it?
The church needs a culture shift.

Hopeless Romantic

I've always been a hopeless romantic. For as long as I can remember, I have dreamed about falling in love, getting married, having kids, etc.
Sometimes though, I wonder if the dream is really worth holding on to. I mean, as I hold on to that dream I find my heart constantly searching, wondering about every guy I meet, "could he be the one?"
It is so bad sometimes that it becomes a distraction in my relationship with God, and that is the last thing I want.
My hear has such conflicting desires that it's driving me insane. I hate this restless feeling of searching. The wanting for something more. Especially when I know I should be finding fulfillment in my relationship with God. I long to love God with a passion far greater than anything I could ever feel. I long to be romanced by God and be so taken up in my relationship with him that at times the world would completely disappear. I long to love God with a love that is scandalous, so intense that I can cease to have even the slightest care about what the world thinks about my love affair. I want to love him so completely, and feel loved by him so completely, that all insecurity, self-consciousness, and social graces cease to matter.
So what is stopping me?
Life.
I feel bound by the chains of the mediocre everyday life.
There is school, and chores, and responsibilities, and natural desires that cloud my mind.
I want so badly to break free and live a life loving God despite these things, but somehow I can only manage a small fraction of what my heart desires.
Okay so I rabbit trailed there a bit... but now back to the original subject.
I want so badly to feel loved by another person. I long to have a life partner that I can be completely and utterly vulnerable with, share my deepest thoughts and desires with, and to know theirs as well. I long to have someone to share heart, body and soul with. Someone I can rely on as a spiritual partner in my relationship with God, to help me and keep me accountable.
I realize that this is not an unhealthy desire, but the desire is very distracting.
I feel like I was made to be a wife and a mother. I honestly do. But my heart is restless because of that knowledge... And its frustrating.
I know I should be content in my relationship with God, and I want to be, but I can't stop my heart from searching. I am trying to trust god on his timing, but it feels so hard.
I guess God is just teaching me a lesson on patience.
He knows better than I do what it is that I need, so I guess I'll just keep trying my best to trust Him....

Back and Forth

You see more than I know I'm showing,
About how I feel inside,
You catch me off guard, off balance,
Trigger instincts to run and hide,

Yet something more intrigues me,
In your strange, disarming air,
The mystery behind your eyes,
Entices me to stare,

You break through every barrier,
Like they aren't there at all,
Faster than I can rebuild,
Leave me feeling vulnerable,

Such a blend of mixed emotions,
Your presence alone creates,
My thoughts grow slow and clumsy,
And my common sense abates,

Why is it that there seems to be,
So much more than I can see,
A solid wall you won't let down,
From way up high down to the ground,

Though you laugh and joke and socialize,
I can see more depth behind your eyes,
Some secret kept well hidden away,
Black and white that's mixed to grey,

I can't tell where your heart lies,
The depth beyond those hazel eyes,
But I wish to see your very heart,
For you to let me see who you really are.

Unspoken

Many words are written,
That are never said or spoken,
Wishes and desires,
Secrets, to keep hearts unbroken,

Perhaps unsure in speech or manner,
But written firm and bold,
Such things that should be shared,
Hoarded as precious gold,

Insecurities bind the bars,
And act as lock and key,
While social graces turn deaf ears,
At the cry to simply be.

---------------------------


So many different pictures to describe,
What stepping out in faith is really like,
But metaphors can't tell you how it feels,
When you step out of your comfort zone, and make it real.

Blessed and Loved

I had forgotten how much I loved writing until I started school yesterday. I have been writing a ton since then. It feels so good!
I have been growing so much lately in my relationship with God. I feel at peace for this brief moment. Life is going well, and I am so blessed to be where I am in this life. I have a wonderful/insane/crazy/fun bunch of friends and an equally wonderful/insane/crazy/fun family, who all love me so much. I go to a wonderful school, with dedicated, caring teachers. I get to worship my Lord and Savior every day, and learn more about Him every day. I am just so incredibly blessed!!
Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and post a bit of the poetry I've been writing lately.

----------------------------------------------------

Crash and roll, tidewaters flow,
Ripping in and out,
Rushing rapids carve the shore,
Changing rivers' route,

Claps of thunder reverberate,
As ominous dark clouds loom,
Flash of lightning blinds the eye,
But rain fills an empty tomb,

For death has died,
And hold no power,
On purest blood shed,
That holy hour,

For a power far greater,
Than any sea,
Created the greatest,
And the least of these.

--------------------------------------------------

Loving you doesn't mean I won't cry,
It just means when I do, you're by my side,
Loving you doesn't mean it's not hard,
But that you'll hold me close when I'm falling apart,

--------------------------------------------------

I can't help but wonder, every once in awhile,
At this feeling that I get inside every time I see you smile,
I push the thought aside but it comes back around,
As I try so hard to keep my feet on the ground,

Do you know what I'm feeling,
Do you see it in my eyes?
'Cause every time you look at me,
You catch me by surprise,

I can't see what you're thinking,
You're impossible to read,
And it seems with little effort,
You see right through me,

You are honest and straightforward,
Both noble traits indeed,
But I sense beyond the surface,
So much more than I can see,

I don't know where this is going,
Or what God has in store,
But I know I don't have to rush,
For Him to open up a door,

So for now I will be patient,
And we will just stay friends,
Waiting on God's guidance,
I'll be content with where I am.

------------------------------------------

When I, in final judgement stand,
What will the measure be,
Of my life - how it was lived,
My standing legacy?

Will I look on with regret,
Of callings unfufilled,
Or will I see that I was true,
In following His Will?

What is it that I leave behind,
As I shed my mortal shell,
What kind of testimony,
Will my short life tell?


One of grace, forgiveness, love,
In imitation of my Lord?
Or one of selfish lust and greed,
In mortal riches hoard,

Now I ponder, Now I choose,
Now, while time have still,
To follow fleshly human wants,
Or commit to God's Will.

What I long for...

I feel suffocated... by technology, by emotions, by drama, by everything in this life that is complicated right now. I'm getting so dizzy and disoriented from it all, I don't even know which way is up anymore...

I long for simplicity, to retreat to a place where 2 + 2 = 4 and I can actually understand what is happening around me... I long for a place that, even as social as I am, there can be just me, God, and His creation around me... That I could hear His voice clearly...

I long to be loved simply. To be loved for who I am, with no complications, stress, reservations, conditions, or preconceptions. I just want to have someone to love and be loved in return, fully and completely. Someone I can give my heart to, without the fear of having it ripped into a million tiny pieces....

I long for peace.. His peace... A peace that does not waver through stressful situations or emotional complications. A peace that will get me through even the roughest storm... A peace that permeates my very soul, heart, and mind.

I long to get rid of all the stupid stress and confusion in my life right now. I want life to be simpler. I want the drama to stop....

Is all that such a bad thing?

But you know what else? Above all these things, the most important thing I long for, is for God's Will to be done in my life. I don't care if I have any other things in my life, if my life glorifies God. So let the horrible confusion of life, being a teenager, and my senior year of high school ensue.. But let HIS name be praised through it all.

Senior Year

So this September, I will be starting my senior year of high school, as well as turning 18. I will be a legal adult, and on the brink of moving out into the "real world" on my own.
Exciting? Yes.
Scary? Undeniably so.
Ever since I started my freshman year, I couldn't wait to graduate and be done with high school! Now as I stand facing the beginning of my last year, I cannot help but wish I had just a couple more years before I had to make all the big decisions I will be forced to make this year. More time to develop who I am, to get involved in all the activities that having a job in the "real world" will make no allowance for. I feel myself scrambling to hold on to every last precious moment of what is left of high school  - before the school year has even started yet!
I feel blessed, however, that I have had this realization so early on in my last year. It has influenced me to make some decisions about this year that will serve me well. I have decided to squeeze in every last thing I can into my senior year before it is over. I am going to really live this year, not taking any moment for granted.
I'm going to start guitar and voice lessons soon, and I am going to volunteer at a nursing home once school starts. I also want to join 4H. (my aunt wants to get goats whether or not I do 4H so it's a perfect opportunity) Aside from this, I am going to throw myself into school this year. I want to get the best grades I possibly can, to finish high school strong. Of course, the most important thing to me will continue to be my relationship with God, regardless of whatever else I end up doing.
Senior year is shaping up to be my busiest, most exciting, and scariest year ever.

Holding Me

Every time I start to trust in anything but You, 
I trip and I fall until I come back to the Truth, 
But every time I fall You're right there holding me, 
Telling me that You believe, in everything that I could be, 


But how many times have I broken Your heart? 
And I break it once again, 
And how many times have you opened your arms,
And let me right back in?
But You're, holdin' me,
Even when I start to stray,
You still keep, holdin' me,
Even when I walked away,
Your love's never failing,
Though Your heart it was breaking,
You were holding me, through the pain.


All the lonely nights and the empty days,
This is the life that I live, that I'm wasting away.
What am I doing in the time I have here?
Living my life by my greed and my fear, 

And how many times have I broken Your heart? 

And I break it once again, 

And how many times have you opened your arms,

And let me right back in?

But You're, holdin' me,

Even when I start to stray,

You still keep, holdin' me,

Even when I walked away,

Your love's never failing,

Though Your heart it was breaking,

You were holding me, through the pain

I'm not always true,

But I'm still in love with you,

So you forgive me again,

And wipe away my sin,

I want so hard to live a life that's Holy,

I just want you to be my one and only...

But how many times have I broken Your heart? 

And I break it once again, 

And how many times have you opened your arms,

And let me right back in?

But You're, holdin' me,

Even when I start to stray,

You still keep, holdin' me,

Even when I walked away,

Your love's never failing,

Though Your heart it was breaking,

You were holding me, through the pain.